Last night I had a wonderful conversation with a dear friend. He's not someone I see often, but when we do hang out and catch up I seem to take something away that goes deep into my soul and God reveals so much of my current situation out of it all. One thing I realized last night is that moving on, a case of "out of sight, out of mind" does not indicate forgiveness. We all have our ways of dealing with stuff and finding our way through forgiving others, I guess for me I'm still learning. I've recently run into a bit of a situation from my past and the anger that arose from this recent revelation was insane. There are very few times in my life that I can remember screaming at God so loudly and what took place a few weeks ago was no different. I couldn't believe what I saw and I was bitter down to the deepest part of me. I guess a part of me still is. How have I dealt with it... not very well, in fact you'll probably find me laughing it off more than anything. But as I was talking to my friend last night he shared a bit with me that got me to thinking, is it ever too late to say "I'm sorry," to take responsibility for one's own actions and ask another for forgiveness? I played a part in a scenario that occurred almost 2 years ago, has too much time passed or is there still a chance to make amends, to wipe the slate clean and not only ask for forgiveness from another, but forgive myself as well?
Saturday, February 21, 2009
So I'm supposed to be studying Life Span Development right now (which I totally love), however I've been told when you have goobles and goobles (a new word I just made up, when I have time I'll submit it to Merriam-Webster) of emotional junk in your head, it is best to splurge it out on paper (or in this case blog site). So here I go spreading my newest revelation in my what has now become the "Learning" series of blogs (2 makes a series... right?).
Monday, February 16, 2009
I was driving home the other day and as I was glancing around I realized I wasn't breathing. For whatever reason I was holding my breath and in an instant the Lord spoke to me and asked me what I was waiting for... what in the world was I holding my breath for? I never realized until that moment how often I have to remind myself to breathe, in fact I even dated a guy once who was constantly reminding me to breathe. You hear of those moments that take your breath away, well I have moments where I stop breathing in the hopes that in that time frame something will change, what the deepest part of my heart desires will instantly come to pass. I guess I realized the other day that holding my breath is not going to make God move faster, it's just going to cause me to turn into a smurf (which I have not yet done yet... thank goodness!).
So I guess what inspired me to write this is the contemplation of what other people might hold there breath for. Did my sister hold her breath as she waited to hear if her son would be okay or not? Do men hold their breath after asking their girlfriends for their hand in marriage? Do women hold their breath every time they think might be the time he'll "pop the question?" How many people held their breath on September 11, 2001 while awaiting to hear word on their loved ones in New York? What are you holding your breath for?
I also realized how much of a waste of life that is, to sit there and hold your breath for something to happen. I lived life to the fullest this past weekend, at least the most full I have in a very long time... today I felt like life was beginning to feel good again, not perfect... it never will be, but my heart is finally starting to feel as though it is moving towards wholeness again. I'm still learning to breathe, I think that it might be a process before I finally stop holding my breath for something to come to pass. I'm just grateful that I have the revelation now and that in those moments I can seek my Heavenly Father to comfort me and to keep pushing me along through life. I'm ready to live it to the fullest, and continue to dance like no one is watching. ; )
Now... close your eyes, take a deep breath and see where it takes you.