...but here is what the Bible says about faith...
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
~ Hebrews 11:1
And as of this week, this is how I feel about it all... "ARGH!!"... it's scientific really, too scientific to explain beyond my pirate definition : )
In all honesty, I think what it boils down to is God just tapping me on the shoulder and asking, "Where is your faith, Cristyn?" And he's right to ask, my faith seems to have gotten lost amongst the piles of papers I have hiding in my closet (trust me on that one, something you don't actually want to see). I have a number of excuses in my back pocket... "I'm stressed out," "I'm exhausted," "I've been spending my whole life prepping for my graduate departmental exam,"... blah, blah, blah. I often wonder if we sound like the teacher from the 'Peanuts' cartoon to God when we talk. I know he hears all that we say, but when it comes to us making excuses I truly wonder what he hears. I've gotta believe that as he loves us unconditionally, he probably just shrugs his shoulders in these situations and says to himself "give 'em time, just give 'em time, they'll come around."
I don't know about anyone else, but it defeating and humiliating to admit when I'm wrong. I've only recently come to realize this through some intensive recovery time and soul searching. I passionately dislike admitting when I'm wrong and there are plenty of times when I'm wrong. And recently as it pertains to my relationship with the Lord, I've been W-R-O-N-G!! Praise God for grace, mercy, and patience. These last few days I've completely allowed myself to be distracted by the enemy. The still, small voice I've allowed into my head is not that of my Heavenly Father, but rather that of the enemy that is trying to convince me that I won't be a good counselor, my only shot at love ran the other way (screaming), the only babies I'll ever know as my own are my nieces and nephews, and someone dear to me might possibly be sick. Hence the "ARGH" response mentioned earlier. Shoot, I've had a total of 3 emotional meltdowns in 5 days... that might be some sort of record for me.
Am I stressed? Exhausted? Continuing to burn a candle at both ends that no longer has a wick on either end? Yes, but my strength does not come from me... it comes from my Father in Heaven. I've known all along this journey that this is not something I can accomplish or complete alone, so I have to know when enough is enough and surrender to the Lord. I'm finding that it usually comes days, sometimes even weeks before my breaking point. There's only so much I can do and then the rest is left to God. He only allows us to do so much and even still it's all with Him by our side. The thing of it is we have to recognize that, we have to acknowledge him and be willing to surrender and accept that He's not there to ridicule what we couldn't do, but rather to help us finish the task set before us along this path.
So, where is my faith? Just where it should be, in my Heavenly Father who has a purpose and plan in all that He does... Where is yours?