I Won't Give Up: A Lesson in Dream Chasing

"On hearing this, Jesus said, 'It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick.  But go and learn what this means: 'I desire mercy, not sacrifice.'  For I have not called the righteous, but sinners.'" 

~ Matthew 9:12 (NIV '84)

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." 

~ Proverbs 13:12 (NIV '84)

"'Cause even the stars they burn

Some even fall to the earth

We've got a lot to learn

God knows we're worth it

No, I won't give up"*

Do you sense a theme here?  I've found myself at a crossroads lately.  A crossroads between what I love to do, what I want to do, what I need to do, what I don't really care to be doing, and the place where I deeply long to be in the midst of all of it.  I guess the bigger question is... in the midst of this crossroad, what will I chose to do?  Will I give up... or will I look up, trusting in the one who has illuminated the path before me?

"Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path." 

~ Psalm 119:105

The last 18 months have been a little deceiving in what I refer to as my "human" eyes.  I had so many distractions and what the world would refer to as worldly possessions.  I had deceived myself enough to think that I deserved it.  I knew where my life was going, I had the perfect life mapped out and was full steam ahead.  Had you told me 18 months ago that I would be where I am today, I probably would have just laughed in your face.  Terrible, I know!  And hindsight is always 20/20, right?  That kinda sucks, but then again, how would I know to change things in my life if I couldn't see my mistakes from before, if I refused to see my mistakes from before?  Being able to see hindsight in 20/20 reminds me of how grateful I am to be surrounded by such a strong cloud of witnesses, friends and family that hold me up, that intercede for me when I don't have the faintest idea in how to approach the Savior.  I thank God that these are the people who have not and will not give up on me.  I thank God that my best friend looks at me with a sweet and innocent blank stare when I have my "Ah Ha!" moments, knowing full well that she has probably been trying to tell me all along whatever it is I think I just discovered about myself.

I don't know what my future holds, I will say trying so hard to navigate it and control it over the last 30 years has done wore me out!  One thing I do hope is that my thirties look dramatically different from my twenties.  Not that my twenties were bad, but I learned so much that I would assume not repeat ;)  I want to love more deeply, take more risks, open my heart to the hurting, not allow others to make me feel inferior (not that I'm superior by any means either), trust more intently, and never assume when there's so much I don't know.

I'm not giving up, I don't know where I'm headed, but wherever it is, I'm not giving up... I'm looking up.

"I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not
And who I am"*

*I Won't Give Up by Jason Mraz (Love is a Four Letter Word 2012)

Two BEAUTIFUL Messes

"A friend loves at all times..." ~ Proverbs 17:17

There is this wonderful woman of God I know, and I'm lucky enough to call her my best friend.  Her name is Stacey and she doesn't know this yet, but she is the inspiration for this post.  I sure hope she doesn't mind :)

Stacey is one of those super special treasures, that when you meet and get to know her you cannot help but thank God she was brought into your life.  Stacey and I go back about 6 years, and let me just say I have no question it was God that brought her into my life.   You see, she opted to stick around and invest in my life after I acted like a crazy loon the night we met.  Oh, but that is another story for another day.  I could go on and on singing her praises till I take my last breath here on earth, but her inspiration for this blog comes from a statement she made to me in a conversation earlier today.

Stacey and I have had our fair share of frogs in our lives that did not turn into princes.  We have gone back and forth crying on each other's shoulders.  She's been angry for me when I didn't have it in me and I've been angry for her when she didn't have it in herself.  We are a rockin' team!  The thing that Stacey said that got me into blog worthy processing mode was her question of "Why am I the girl who prepares a guy for marriage to someone else?"  Oh sweet friend, how I believe so many girls have asked this question out loud as well.  My response to my sweet best friend... I told her that God didn't want her to settle, that the reason why it hasn't worked out yet for her is that God has someone more amazing than she could ever imagine for her.  I suddenly realized I was preaching to the choir.  I too have been the girl that prepares the guy for someone else, and that is a heart breaking place to be.  But I have to remember and I have to remind Stacey that there is that possibility that some other girls have had the job of preparing our husbands for us.  Praise the Lord for those women and Praise God that He has protected our hearts and lives from something that could have been potentially harmful or hurtful years down the road.

I love the wisdom and the sudden realizations that are coming to light in my thirties.  I'm even more grateful that I've got my beautiful friend to walk out each and every one of these seasons with me.  Stacey and I are what I would call a "Beautiful Mess."  We are learning who we are, we are trusting God in what He's calling us to do with our lives, and we are tripping all over the place trying to fit the pieces of it all together.  We are not perfect, but I think that's why we laugh so very much!  

Cheers to you my gorgeous BEST FRIEND!!! I cannot wait to see what God has in store for us as the years go by.  You are loved! 

XOXO!!