I did it, at least I think I did. I finally got the energy to cross the line, the line that leads me further into my future. It's hard knowing that the pain I left behind had a mix of fun and happy memories as well. It's hard knowing that holding onto the pain was harder than taking the steps I needed to move ahead. It was a bit of a shock to wake up January 1, 2009 to the realization that 2008 hadn't been just a dream, but rather a reality. It was a bit disappointing to know that the memories and thoughts I had hoped would disappear while I slept didn't diminish completely. But then I guess it is part of the process, to walk it out, so that I don't repeat the mistakes of the past.
So with all that is within me I cross the line into what I hope is a spectacular and blessed 2009. I walk into it knowing that there are still bits of fear and pain hanging on, but also trusting that they won't hang around forever. I have walked through my worst nightmare, now I have to trust that it won't be repeated. For I know the Lord has a plan, a plan for me, a hope and a future beyond way more than I could ever hope or imagine. I trust that the fear within me is not from the Lord, and will not hang around long. I know that the Lord did not give me a spirit of fear, but rather one of power and of love.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
A Change in Perspective: Reflections on 2008
Change - verb - make or become different
Perspective - noun - a particular attitude toward or way of regarding something; a point of view; true understanding of the relative importance of things; a sense of proportion
It's not quite the new year, but I have been reflecting a lot on this last year and how through it all my perspective on life has changed dramatically and for the better. Things seem a lot more clear now and some of what I've come to realize makes sense, but then again hindsight is always 20/20, right? When this year started the only change I was looking to make was to start my graduate studies towards my masters in counseling...well, I did that, and God had other things in mind as well. My whole life was flipped upside down and one of my greatest fears became a reality on March 29 of this year. My world seemed to be crashing down around me and there was only so much I could do to keep it together (Praise God that He gives strength to the weak!). It was only the beginning and after a few more disappointing changes throughout the summer I realized how strong I truly am...not physically but Spiritually.
By no means do I have this all figured out, I'm not sure I ever will...but then again that was something I needed to learn through this storm. I'm still walking through it, I can't deny that...there are still times when I'd much rather hunker down and hide away in bed for a day. However, that is not truth and that is not going to keep me going. Through all the sadness, all the disappointment, and tremendous change of this year I've learned the truth behind Proverbs 17:17 "a friend loves at all times." I've seen my closest friends (and even some new ones) stick by through the times when I fell apart, through the good times, and most gratefully through the moments of temporary insanity. I've found a love to call my own, and a strength and a passion that I feel I'm starting to scratch the surface on. I'm starting to finally pave my own way, to find the things that make me stop and ask "why" instead of just taking things at face value. I'm learning the true depths of love in so many different aspects.
Is this what I planned for in 2008...of course not. Would I change some of the events that transpired...yes, if it were up to me (but it's not). Would I change how I responded to these changes, how I walked them out...absolutely not.
Perspective - noun - a particular attitude toward or way of regarding something; a point of view; true understanding of the relative importance of things; a sense of proportion
It's not quite the new year, but I have been reflecting a lot on this last year and how through it all my perspective on life has changed dramatically and for the better. Things seem a lot more clear now and some of what I've come to realize makes sense, but then again hindsight is always 20/20, right? When this year started the only change I was looking to make was to start my graduate studies towards my masters in counseling...well, I did that, and God had other things in mind as well. My whole life was flipped upside down and one of my greatest fears became a reality on March 29 of this year. My world seemed to be crashing down around me and there was only so much I could do to keep it together (Praise God that He gives strength to the weak!). It was only the beginning and after a few more disappointing changes throughout the summer I realized how strong I truly am...not physically but Spiritually.
By no means do I have this all figured out, I'm not sure I ever will...but then again that was something I needed to learn through this storm. I'm still walking through it, I can't deny that...there are still times when I'd much rather hunker down and hide away in bed for a day. However, that is not truth and that is not going to keep me going. Through all the sadness, all the disappointment, and tremendous change of this year I've learned the truth behind Proverbs 17:17 "a friend loves at all times." I've seen my closest friends (and even some new ones) stick by through the times when I fell apart, through the good times, and most gratefully through the moments of temporary insanity. I've found a love to call my own, and a strength and a passion that I feel I'm starting to scratch the surface on. I'm starting to finally pave my own way, to find the things that make me stop and ask "why" instead of just taking things at face value. I'm learning the true depths of love in so many different aspects.
Is this what I planned for in 2008...of course not. Would I change some of the events that transpired...yes, if it were up to me (but it's not). Would I change how I responded to these changes, how I walked them out...absolutely not.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
I'm not really sure where to start on this blog, all I know is that God is pressing upon my heart to write...out loud. I write a lot, it is a passion of mine, a hobby so to speak. Some days there are thoughts that stay behind closed doors within the privacy of my journal and then there are other days (like today) when it is something that needs to be said out loud to share with the world.
In Romans 5:2-5, Paul writes, "And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."
I have held onto, grasped, even clinged onto this verse with all that I have over the last few months. I have used it to not only encourage myself, but to encourage others as well. It is so beautiful and accurate and helps to make sense of even the darkest moments. I heard of two dear friends this week who have lost someone close to their hearts recently and it continues to change my perspective on my current season of life. I've been in such a funk that I wasn't even sure that God could snap me out of it...my faith was waining. But then when I hear about others, when I realize I've been so self focused instead of others focused my perspective changes. I start to look at all the simple/little things that bring so much joy to my heart instead of focusing on what has brought so much pain. The hope starts to shine through once again...
"Hope has a way of turning it's face to you just when you least expect it
you walk in a room you look out a window and something there leaves you breathless
you say to yourself it's been a while since I felt this but it feels like it might be hope"
~ Sara Groves "It Might Be Hope"
This chorus comes from a song that I've only recently heard in the last few months. It leaves such a vision of what I know God has for me. It leaves something deep in my heart, a reminder that I have not been forgotten or left behind. I share all this with you, all these random mumblings as I know there are others struggling...I've talked to them. There is hope and sometimes it takes believing in what is unseen, in dreaming big and laughing even when it hurts so much.
I leave with you tonight a list of what God has blessed me with, what He has reminded me of so much when all I want to do is hide away...I encourage you to make a list, and post it somewhere you'll see it and read it everyday...there is a light at the end of the tunnel and joy in the midst of pain.
The laughter and curiousity of a 2-year-old child, the joy and awareness of all that is new to a 1-year-old, the memory of a joyful baby boy and the joy of a miracle in the making. A career and a desire growing larger everyday. A burning passion to step outside of my comfort zone, to be used by the Lord to share what He has shared with me. An endless amount of questions because there is the knowledge of something more...beyond what is seen. Trusting, having faith that what has been placed in my heart will come to pass at the right time, in the right season. Knowing that with Him, nothing is impossible. Believing that what I have inside me is contagious, it's just a matter of overcoming fear and having a willingness to share. Knowing that He has planted in me a desire to dream BIG and to love with a never-ending and BIG LOVE!
In Romans 5:2-5, Paul writes, "And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."
I have held onto, grasped, even clinged onto this verse with all that I have over the last few months. I have used it to not only encourage myself, but to encourage others as well. It is so beautiful and accurate and helps to make sense of even the darkest moments. I heard of two dear friends this week who have lost someone close to their hearts recently and it continues to change my perspective on my current season of life. I've been in such a funk that I wasn't even sure that God could snap me out of it...my faith was waining. But then when I hear about others, when I realize I've been so self focused instead of others focused my perspective changes. I start to look at all the simple/little things that bring so much joy to my heart instead of focusing on what has brought so much pain. The hope starts to shine through once again...
"Hope has a way of turning it's face to you just when you least expect it
you walk in a room you look out a window and something there leaves you breathless
you say to yourself it's been a while since I felt this but it feels like it might be hope"
~ Sara Groves "It Might Be Hope"
This chorus comes from a song that I've only recently heard in the last few months. It leaves such a vision of what I know God has for me. It leaves something deep in my heart, a reminder that I have not been forgotten or left behind. I share all this with you, all these random mumblings as I know there are others struggling...I've talked to them. There is hope and sometimes it takes believing in what is unseen, in dreaming big and laughing even when it hurts so much.
I leave with you tonight a list of what God has blessed me with, what He has reminded me of so much when all I want to do is hide away...I encourage you to make a list, and post it somewhere you'll see it and read it everyday...there is a light at the end of the tunnel and joy in the midst of pain.
The laughter and curiousity of a 2-year-old child, the joy and awareness of all that is new to a 1-year-old, the memory of a joyful baby boy and the joy of a miracle in the making. A career and a desire growing larger everyday. A burning passion to step outside of my comfort zone, to be used by the Lord to share what He has shared with me. An endless amount of questions because there is the knowledge of something more...beyond what is seen. Trusting, having faith that what has been placed in my heart will come to pass at the right time, in the right season. Knowing that with Him, nothing is impossible. Believing that what I have inside me is contagious, it's just a matter of overcoming fear and having a willingness to share. Knowing that He has planted in me a desire to dream BIG and to love with a never-ending and BIG LOVE!
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Little Billy SIDS Support Official Launch
"And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." ~ Romans 5:2-5
This is a verse that my family and I have held tightly onto over the last 7 months, since the unexpected loss of my nephew, Billy. God has revealed so much of himself through the grieving process and as of yesterday the hope is starting to shine through. Yesterday, November 1, 2008 what would have been William Thomas Darnell, Jr's (Billy) 1st birthday became the day that his mommy and daddy, Cheryl and Bill Darnell launched their foundation in remembrance of his short life. Little Billy's SIDS Support can be found at www.littlebilly.org. This foundation developed from the unexpected and tragic loss of Billy at 5 months on March 29, 2008. As my family has worked through the grieving process there comes the realization that we are not the only ones that have suffered the loss of a little one to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS). There are countless families who do not get the opportunity to say good-bye to their sweet baby for the only sign of this unexplainable syndrome is death.
Cheryl and Bill Darnell, through their grief and love for their son, have developed Little Billy's SIDS Support as a way to help other families who suffer the same kind of pain. This foundation exists to help with the financial demands that come with losing a child to SIDS (hospital bills, funeral costs, burial costs, etc), as well as giving families a connection to other families who have suffered the same kind of loss, connections to grief counseling/ministry, etc.
This is a cause very near and dear to my heart. Billy was not only my sister's son, but he was my nephew...one of my boys. I do hope if you do nothing else you will visit the website and read more about what this foundation is doing to help others, and maybe consider (if you are able) contributing in some way.
Thank you,
Cristyn : )
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Standing at the Line...
It's been a while since I've really sensed God moving in my life. I know He is up to something, I trust that, but when I hear His voice and a vision comes with it...those are the moments I long for. I often keep these visions hidden behind closed doors within the pages of my journal, but I felt a strong desire to share this one with you all (my readers) as I have a feeling there might be others in the same place in their relationship with the Lord.
As I've been praying through this season and asking God to speak to me, to show me the next step He has blessed with an incredible vision, one in which I have yet to walk through. There is a line that has been drawn in the sand, not a temporary line drawn with a stick, but rather a permanent line made out of steel that won't disappear. In fact, once I cross that line there is no turning back, that line made out of steel, once it is crossed, will quickly become a gate that cannot be opened. Once I cross the line I'm leaving behind the pain of this season and I'm just not sure I'm ready to do that. I know it sounds crazy, but leaving behind the pain of the known and walking into the unknown scares the heck out of me.
I share this with you as a source of familiarity, but also in the hope that you will stand and believe with me to pass over that line, to finally fully let go of all that entangles me and keeps me from going to the next level in my relationship with the Lord.
Know that even in the times that God takes away He is preparing you for something even greater. I've witnessed before my eyes on more than one occasion in this season as God has taken away, but in the aftermath has left behind something yet to be discovered. God bless and don't stop hoping!
As I've been praying through this season and asking God to speak to me, to show me the next step He has blessed with an incredible vision, one in which I have yet to walk through. There is a line that has been drawn in the sand, not a temporary line drawn with a stick, but rather a permanent line made out of steel that won't disappear. In fact, once I cross that line there is no turning back, that line made out of steel, once it is crossed, will quickly become a gate that cannot be opened. Once I cross the line I'm leaving behind the pain of this season and I'm just not sure I'm ready to do that. I know it sounds crazy, but leaving behind the pain of the known and walking into the unknown scares the heck out of me.
I share this with you as a source of familiarity, but also in the hope that you will stand and believe with me to pass over that line, to finally fully let go of all that entangles me and keeps me from going to the next level in my relationship with the Lord.
Know that even in the times that God takes away He is preparing you for something even greater. I've witnessed before my eyes on more than one occasion in this season as God has taken away, but in the aftermath has left behind something yet to be discovered. God bless and don't stop hoping!
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
My Cardboard Says What?!?
"They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony"
~ Revelation 12:11
Months ago I attended a church service where at the end multitudes (okay, so it was like 20-30, but still...that's a lot) of people came out one at a time holding a piece of cardboard...large enough to read from the crowd. Each person had their own and one by one as they stepped out they showed one side that shared a past struggle or sin in their life, but on the other side was their personal miracle. On the other side was what God had done with that struggle or sin, what He had done to heal them. If you had asked me over 7 years ago what my cardboard sign said, this is what you would have read...
"I struggle with anorexia, low self-esteem, and poor self image."
...of course that was then, and now it says this...
"He redeemed me by the blood of the Lamb and renewed my self worth...I AM healed!"
So what got me to writing tonight? Well, lately I've been in repeat mode with worship music...the same songs one right after the other all 30-45 minutes of my drive time between work and home and then some as I study or just relax for the night. One of which is Desperation Band's "Overcome" (I strongly recommend giving it a listen...so awesome!). Towards the end of the song you hear different people exclaim their struggles and sins and how God helped them overcome. I'm in a state of learning to overcome, of allowing God in to help me overcome. As I hear these people explain their struggles and sins and the declaration that God helped them overcome, I remember that scene at church months ago...the scene where I couldn't even try to hide my tears if I wanted to.
So here I am now...standing with another cardboard sign and as well as I'd like to think I can hide behind it...people start to notice. If nothing else God knows and that's enough for me to know it is way past time to let Him in to help me overcome. What does it say today, well...
"My heart is broken, confused, and lost...where are you?"
...but it will say this soon, I know it...I trust that it will...
"God helped me overcome!"
What does yours say, do you have one right now...do you even know?
~ C
~ Revelation 12:11
Months ago I attended a church service where at the end multitudes (okay, so it was like 20-30, but still...that's a lot) of people came out one at a time holding a piece of cardboard...large enough to read from the crowd. Each person had their own and one by one as they stepped out they showed one side that shared a past struggle or sin in their life, but on the other side was their personal miracle. On the other side was what God had done with that struggle or sin, what He had done to heal them. If you had asked me over 7 years ago what my cardboard sign said, this is what you would have read...
"I struggle with anorexia, low self-esteem, and poor self image."
...of course that was then, and now it says this...
"He redeemed me by the blood of the Lamb and renewed my self worth...I AM healed!"
So what got me to writing tonight? Well, lately I've been in repeat mode with worship music...the same songs one right after the other all 30-45 minutes of my drive time between work and home and then some as I study or just relax for the night. One of which is Desperation Band's "Overcome" (I strongly recommend giving it a listen...so awesome!). Towards the end of the song you hear different people exclaim their struggles and sins and how God helped them overcome. I'm in a state of learning to overcome, of allowing God in to help me overcome. As I hear these people explain their struggles and sins and the declaration that God helped them overcome, I remember that scene at church months ago...the scene where I couldn't even try to hide my tears if I wanted to.
So here I am now...standing with another cardboard sign and as well as I'd like to think I can hide behind it...people start to notice. If nothing else God knows and that's enough for me to know it is way past time to let Him in to help me overcome. What does it say today, well...
"My heart is broken, confused, and lost...where are you?"
...but it will say this soon, I know it...I trust that it will...
"God helped me overcome!"
What does yours say, do you have one right now...do you even know?
~ C
Saturday, October 4, 2008
A Story to be Heard...
I had some time to kill the other day before class so I headed to the cemetery to visit my nephew's grave site. Kinda strange I know, but there always seems to be a peace when I go there. Life kind of stands still, even if just for a moment. I have one friend who always questions why I go there, knowing full well that the person I'm going to visit is not actually there. I'm not sure what it is, but I find it to be a safe place and those times I go to visit little Billy's grave or even my grandfather's (who is resting there as well) I find that I have so much to say. So much of life (good or bad) to share with them. I know they aren't there, but I guess seeing their names written in the ground opens the floodgates of words for me.
The point of this blog is to note what I observed on my most recent visit to the cemetery. I got a bit turned around trying to find my nephew's grave site and as I was turning around to go back in the right direction I paused for a moment. I noticed an older man in the distance visiting a grave site of a loved one and for a moment I just wondered what the story was behind it all. I wondered if it was the love of his life that he was visiting, if it was a child or grandchild, niece or nephew. I realized that every person there, whether in permanent rest or visiting, all have a story. My grandfather had a story, and my nephew, as young as he was had a story too. I watched with a happy heart, a compassionate heart as the man stood there for a moment with his head bowed, blew a kiss and turned to get back in his car. It was such a heartwarming moment, to know that even though there are loved ones that have gone before us to help prepare the way for us, they will forever have a place in our hearts, they will forever have a story to be told. I believe that Avery will be the one to share with her future brother or sister about Billy just as my grandmother has filled in all the gaps in the story of my grandfather for me and my siblings.
I just wonder how much time we take now to sit and listen to our loved ones share their stories while they are still here on earth with us. Do we make the time or are we always too busy? Lately being too busy just sounds like an excuse to me (and I do it too, regretfully). I just never want to be too busy that I miss something...whether it be big or small. There could be a ton of time left for us, or there could be just a short time...not to be depressing or morbid, but do you know who knows your story? Do you know who can share it with those you go before?
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