A Little Female Perspective

Dear Readers,

I'm really going out on a limb tonight as I'm usually not the one to give relationship advice or share from a female perspective.  I'm not one for controversy so usually I hide away or change the subject altogether.  However, as I was sharing with a guy friend of mine the other night it got me to thinking that maybe just maybe it would help if I shared with the male species what exactly is going on in the female species mind after a break-up.  Bear with me here as I have a feeling this might bring a flood of comments.

I'm not sure where to begin other than to share the context of my conversation with my friend (we'll call him Freddie so as to protect the innocent).  We were hanging out the other night and I asked Freddie if it was weird after he and his girlfriend of over a year broke up and she cut off all communication (i.e. asked him not to contact her and expressed that she did not want to be friends).  He said "yes" and so I then asked if he thought that my former boyfriend thought I was weird when I did the same thing... and again he responded with "yes."  Man did that cut deep into my heart.  I never want anyone to think I'm weird (although I totally am, but that's for another blog) or to hurt anyone by protecting myself (which is what I'm getting to).  So I've been thinking about it a lot as the week has progressed and I realized that males and females just see things differently (no I did not just figure that out), process things differently, and most definitely protect ourselves differently.

So here is my point with all this...

A.  If a girl (or guy) stops responding to you, put yourself in their shoes.  Whether they were the breaker or breakee (in the relationship) give them some space, understand that all your conversations after having dated will be different.  Chances are he or she may not be able to deal with the pain after hanging up the phone each time the conversation ends with "well, I guess I'll talk to you later" instead of "I love you and I'll talk to you tomorrow."

B.  Don't ever tell someone you broke up with that you hope to see them around or talk to them soon unless you genuinely mean it.  It does not help the broken hearted as it actually comes across as "hope" for something that may not be resurrected.

C.  Recognize that if you have exchanged the "I love you" phrase and then take it back (as in "I don't love you anymore") it's probably going to take some time for the other person to learn to stop loving you.  Therefore, if they say they don't love you either or they can't express that to you right now (if there is talk of a second chance) they are probably lying to you to protect themselves and not look like a fool.

All this to say, give the other person some space.  If God resurrects the relationship as a friendship, recognize that it will not be the same and it won't be easy, especially if no friendship was established initially (i.e. you met and then started dating right away).  If He doesn't, then don't label them, they're not weird, they are completely normal just broken and confused and trying to work through their own emotions.  

Please recognize that I by no means apply this to every situation.  After all each situation is different and sometimes a friendship may work out just fine.  I share this to hopefully put a different perspective on it.  Please don't send me hate mail, I'm no expert, just a girl trying to figure it all out myself. 

Thanks for listening, I hope it helped.

~ C

In the Most Unlikely of Places

"He... gives grace to the humble" ~ Proverbs 3:34

God speaks to me in the most unlikely places these days.  Unlikely in the sense that I'm usually not expecting it.  Everywhere I've been looking to feel His presence and hear His voice has proven nothing less than disappointing.  He must know this because then He speaks to me at work when I'm filing charts, or at night when my heart is missing someone so deeply.

I don't know what it was about yesterday, but towards the end of my work day I had the most humbling experience and was quickly reminded that things don't happen by accident... there is a purpose, even if we never figure it out.  I actually do love my job.  Maybe not every aspect of it, but there are those moments of such accomplishment and the moments with parents where they are truly grateful for all that we do to help them out.  I love those moments and I especially love the daily conversations I have with kids each day... talk about humbling. 

I truly believe that where I am right now is just a piece of the puzzle that is preparing me for the huge career change I'll be making next year.  I can't wait to see how God brings it all together.  I've found myself in such a dark and lonely place over the last year and there have been moments where I felt the Lord abandoned me.  But then yesterday happened and I realized that what He is teaching me, what He is showing me is that He doesn't just exist in the church building or in a worship song, but rather He exists in the moments I have with our patients at work or my co-workers.  I pray now that my heart will change, I pray that my attitude will improve and that the expectations I have towards my life will line up with all that God has for me.  I don't want to miss a moment, I don't want to miss one whisper or one tap on the shoulder.  

We only get one round at this life here on Earth, why not take every moment by storm?  Why not begin to look for God in the most unlikely of places? 

Learning to be Cristyn...

"Suppose I said
I am on my best behavior
And there are times
I lose my worried mind
Would you want me when I'm not myself?
Wait it out while I am someone else?
Suppose I said
Colors change for no good reason
And words will go
From poetry to prose
Would you want me when I'm not myself?
Wait it out while I am someone else?
And I, in time, will come around
I always do for you
Suppose I said
You're my saving grace"

~ John Mayer "Not Myself"

This is a very well known song by a very well known musician.  It has also been running through my head for weeks now.  There is a lot of focus for me on me right now.  Not in a selfish way, but more in a self discovery kind of way.  I haven't felt like myself for about 3 years now.  I suppose some of you are surprised by that and might be wondering about the girl you've met (if you've met me in the last 3 years).  I guess after everything that 2008 brought I finally realized how short life is and we truly only get one time to make a first impression.  I want to present myself for who I truly am, not a chameleon.  I don't want to hide behind a mask, I don't want to change my colors to impress those who may only be in my life for a season.  I guess what I'm trying to say is I want to be the person God created me to be (crazy, sarcastic, intelligent, pretty, talented, singer, dancer, writer, counselor, etc.) from the moment I tell some "hello" to the moment I say "good-bye."

At the same time I want people to take me as I am, even in the moments (or seasons) where I'm not myself.  In those moments where I spontaneously decide that it is time for a hair change and I cut it all off (like now), or when I can't stop crying because I feel there is just too much pain in my heart for me to fully comprehend, or the moments where I can't stop laughing at something so completely stupid that I may be the only one laughing.  I want to know that when I jump on a stage to have a "dance off" with some stranger that I can do it without noticing anyone else in the room (which I have done).  I want to know that at the end of the day, when all the decisions have been made and there is no turning back that there is always going to be someone waiting to greet me.  I want to know that there will always be that one person who will forever have a little faith in me, no matter what.

There is still a lot of self discovery for me about me and still a lot of regrets and brokenness to work through, but I'm choosing to take a leap.  Who knows, I might find something amazing and someone I forgot even existed.  It's about time I got back to being Cristyn, and not someone else.  After all, I've only got one chance to do it right. 

Learning to Forgive...

So I'm supposed to be studying Life Span Development right now (which I totally love), however I've been told when you have goobles and goobles (a new word I just made up, when I have time I'll submit it to Merriam-Webster) of emotional junk in your head, it is best to splurge it out on paper (or in this case blog site).  So here I go spreading my newest revelation in my what has now become the "Learning" series of blogs (2 makes a series... right?).  

Last night I had a wonderful conversation with a dear friend.  He's not someone I see often, but when we do hang out and catch up I seem to take something away that goes deep into my soul and God reveals so much of my current situation out of it all.  One thing I realized last night is that moving on, a case of "out of sight, out of mind" does not indicate forgiveness.  We all have our ways of dealing with stuff and finding our way through forgiving others, I guess for me I'm still learning.  I've recently run into a bit of a situation from my past and the anger that arose from this recent revelation was insane.  There are very few times in my life that I can remember screaming at God so loudly and what took place a few weeks ago was no different.  I couldn't believe what I saw and I was bitter down to the deepest part of me.  I guess a part of me still is.  How have I dealt with it... not very well, in fact you'll probably find me laughing it off more than anything.  But as I was talking to my friend last night he shared a bit with me that got me to thinking, is it ever too late to say "I'm sorry," to take responsibility for one's own actions and ask another for forgiveness?  I played a part in a scenario that occurred almost 2 years ago, has too much time passed or is there still a chance to make amends, to wipe the slate clean and not only ask for forgiveness from another, but forgive myself as well?  

Learning to Breathe

I was driving home the other day and as I was glancing around I realized I wasn't breathing.  For whatever reason I was holding my breath and in an instant the Lord spoke to me and asked me what I was waiting for... what in the world was I holding my breath for?  I never realized until that moment how often I have to remind myself to breathe, in fact I even dated a guy once who was constantly reminding me to breathe.  You hear of those moments that take your breath away, well I have moments where I stop breathing in the hopes that in that time frame something will change, what the deepest part of my heart desires will instantly come to pass.  I guess I realized the other day that holding my breath is not going to make God move faster, it's just going to cause me to turn into a smurf (which I have not yet done yet... thank goodness!).  

So I guess what inspired me to write this is the contemplation of what other people might hold there breath for.  Did my sister hold her breath as she waited to hear if her son would be okay or not?  Do men hold their breath after asking their girlfriends for their hand in marriage?  Do women hold their breath every time they think might be the time he'll "pop the question?"  How many people held their breath on September 11, 2001 while awaiting to hear word on their loved ones in New York?  What are you holding your breath for?

I also realized how much of a waste of life that is, to sit there and hold your breath for something to happen.  I lived life to the fullest this past weekend, at least the most full I have in a very long time... today I felt like life was beginning to feel good again, not perfect... it never will be, but my heart is finally starting to feel as though it is moving towards wholeness again.  I'm still learning to breathe, I think that it might be a process before I finally stop holding my breath for something to come to pass.  I'm just grateful that I have the revelation now and that in those moments I can seek my Heavenly Father to comfort me and to keep pushing me along through life.  I'm ready to live it to the fullest, and continue to dance like no one is watching. ; )

Now... close your eyes, take a deep breath and see where it takes you.

When Fear leads to Power

"Have not I commanded you? Be strong, vigorous, and very courageous. Be not afraid, neither be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." ~ Joshua 1:9

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but has given us a spirit of power and of love and of calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control." ~ II Timothy 1:7

• verses courtesy of The Everyday Life Bible: Amplified Version

Fear - noun
an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat
• archaic a mixed feeling of dread and reverence
• ( fear for) a feeling of anxiety concerning the outcome of something or the safety and well-being of someone
• the likelihood of something unwelcome happening

• definition courtesy of Apple Computer Dictionary

There is a fear and anxiety within me over the last several months that has become toxic and overwhelming...a fear I'd rather deny as having any existence at all. So I went to the word, God's Word to find truth to battle the fear and what I found was very surprising. It is when we face our fears and follow God with absolute abandon despite our fears and anxieties that we find the power He has laid out before us. There is so much that God has for us, that He desires for us, but that means leaving the fear behind and fully trusting in Him. I learned the hard way this last year that through disobedience God will find a way to make things as they should be, no matter how much it may hurt us. God has no fear of hurting us, not in a physical way, but in a Fatherly way. For He knows the best solutions, the best path that we should take and although He never forces us to do what is right (the first time) He will find a way to get us where we should be.

In early March I chose disobedience, I chose to ignore the things that God would speak to me and wake me with in the early hours of the morning. As a result He found a way to make things as they should be only a few months later and I found myself in tremendous pain. Could it have been avoided, maybe...could it have ended differently, possibly...but I chose to go my own way instead of facing my fear head on.

Now here I am faced with another fear and I have another choice to make. I can choose to believe that God has it under control and that no matter what happens His plan is much higher than mine...or I can choose my way again. I don't really have a solution with this fear within me, all I know is that I'm at a crossroads in my foundation, with the Spirit, and with my trust in God. This time I choose to face my fear head on hoping that through it all, no matter what the result, it will lead to the power God has laid out before me, to the power He has called me to. I want all He has for me, and that means being here, now, and leaving the rest up to Him.

The Scars

I burned my finger the other day on my curling iron. I was in a hurry and chatting with a friend and I accidentally brushed my finger across my curling iron while I was curling my hair...talent, I know! But as I was starring at the scar left behind I started to think about the other scars on me that have a story. There is the one under my chin where I dove too far down and not out in my parent's swimming pool as a kid. I think there is another one somewhere on my leg from shaving and I don't know if this counts, but the place on my big toenail where an ingrown toenail was removed and another toenail grew back in its place (it's really quite interesting).

Really what got me to thinking was the scars that go deep under the skin, the number of scars on one's heart that have numerous stories with it and yet you wonder if anybody knows about them. How many homeless people do you pass on a street corner that may have a wound deep down that has never been healed properly, do you know their story, what caused it, what led to their current situation? What about the single mom with two kids, what's her heart story? Or the child abandoned by the one who brought them into this world...what does their heart say?

See, we all have scars, whether you can see them or not. We all have stories to tell and why we see things the way we do or why we act the way we do. I can't tell you how many times God has stitched my heart back together only to leave a scar, a reminder of what caused it, behind. I've been battling God with one of my most recent scars, praying...pleading that He would remove the memories and thoughts of what was once there, the love that once existed. I'm starting to think the answer is 'no.' I'm starting to wonder that by facing the memories, by facing the mistakes I made and the sin I fell into, only then can I begin to heal properly. A scar is there, or at least it will be. I have a feeling God has stitched up the wound, I just don't think that He has removed the stitches yet. As hard as it is to face the truth sometimes, I look forward to what comes out of this processing session with God...I look forward to the strength that it will bring and the wisdom I will gain.

I encourage you to show your scars, to be honest with yourself and with God...see what He may have to show you through your own wounds and hurts.