Celebrating Billy... Celebrating Five Years Old!

Dear Billy,

The picture above is one of my favorites of you and your big sister.  Man I miss those chubby little cheeks.  It's hard to believe that this year marks 5 years since your birth here on earth.  I still wonder what you would look like right now.  Would you be as tall as your sister?  Or at least close to her in height?  Would your home be 10 times louder with 3 boys running around versus only 2?  Whatever the decibel difference, I'm sure it would be greatly welcomed if it meant you were here with us.

When the weeks and days get closer to your birthday or the date of your birth up to Heaven I tend to get a little anxious, wondering how I'll respond to those days.  But then I remember there is nothing I can do to change what happened, I can however thank the Lord for His grace, His patience, and His healing hand.  At the deepest part of my heart, from the pit of my soul I cry out "Blessed Be Your Name."  God's Word says in Psalm 34:18, "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."  I believe that God grieved as we grieved over losing you, and with each birthday that passes the grief that comes, mixed with the relief that you are safe in the arms of Jesus, He is there every step of the way.

As we celebrate yet another birthday without you Billy Bug, we find peace and hope in the fact that it means we are one day closer to seeing you once again in Heaven.  One of the greatest gifts I've ever received was becoming your aunt on November 1, 2007... I will never forget spending a whole week with you shortly after you were born, just watching you sleep and holding you close to my heart.  Had I known I'd only have you to hold for 5 months, I might have held onto you longer during that week.  But for now, I find rest in knowing you are safe in our Savior's arms.

All My Love, Forever & Always,
Aunt Cristyn

Dark Side: Can You Love Me? Can You Love Mine?

Ahh... the eternal question that every girl/woman asks others... Can you love me?  Can you accept me for me, every part of me, every area of my life?  I would be lying if I said I haven't been asking myself this question for years and more often in the last year.  I think that as we become adults the realization of people coming and going into our lives becomes clear.  There is a season for everything and everyone... right?

I have the privilege of working with a young woman right now who reminds me so much of myself 14 years ago.  It's crazy to think that I'm not too far removed from the shoes that she now stands in.  She's asking herself if she can be loved, accepted by others.  If what she's doing is "good enough."  And to her I say, "yes."  Because I realize now 14 years later that "good enough" is a relative term.  We each have a different standard, a different definition for "good enough."  Now, is there a standard in which you can compare yourself to the standards of society or the world?  Yes, I do believe so.  But at the end of the day, I think you really have to ask yourself if you're doing good enough for you.  What does that look like?  And at the end of the day do you know that no matter what... God loves you right where you're at?

"Every person the Father gives me eventually comes running to me.  And once that person is with me, I hold on and don't let go."  ~ John 6:37 (MSG)

So many times we seek to control areas of our lives that we lose touch with what is real, what is true.  The fact is, we are human in a fallen world, whether we want to recognize it or not we have a dark side.  That doesn't mean we have to live in it, sit in it, and ignore the goodness, the light that God is calling us into.  I'm willing to bet that on a daily basis we each find ourselves in a tempting situation or sin struggle, one that we have kicked and screamed and struggled to fight to overcome... by our own strength.  But it's when we give up that fight, when we allow God to come in and give us that strength that we find peace, healing, redemption.  So in God's eyes, you are good enough, and He loves every part of you... even your dark side (aka your struggles).  Would He like to see you walking in absolute freedom, yes of course, but He also knows it's a process.  Be patient with yourself, and remember that as you seek to be loved and accepted for who you are, so do others.  

Gobblety Goop in the Bloggity Blog

If you've been a reader for long (indulge me here, I like to believe I have regular readers) you'll notice there is generally a tie in from my title throughout whatever I write.  At least I'd like to think I have that flow :-)  But if you had a glimpse of just a few minutes inside my head today you'd find that what is swarming around and traveling between my head and my heart is not quite fluid at all.  I wouldn't generally write if I didn't have a solid point, but for whatever reason today I felt the desire to share the "gobblety goop" inside my head.  Count yourselves blessed ;-)

I start with my walk from the parking garage into service at church this morning.  In that 2 minute walk what ran through my head flowed from how my day was mapped out, to needing to still get butter and eggs from the grocery store, to thinking about my sweet 3-year-old nephew, Nathan who has a tendency to passionately express that he hates something (i.e. "I HATE this Mommy, I HATE it's taking too wong to get to Texas").  That's a lot of things in a short 2 minute walk, but that's the truth.  My point is this.  I found myself stuck on Nathan's passionate expressions of disliking certain things, and realized that in my heart right now I find that I'm expressing the very same thing to God.  "Lord, I HATE this season!  I HATE that a certain person doesn't know me, I HATE that I allowed them to 'break' me!  I HATE that I can't be closer to my sister (geographically speaking) right now!  I HATE that someone won't take a chance on me and see that I could be a wonderful asset as a counselor to their organization!"  I would go on, but I think it's pretty clear that you can get the point.  I thought it was interesting that this should suddenly float to the forefront of my thoughts and heart today.  As I sat in service today, God's voice just spilled over me.  One of our pastors at Watermark, JP, has been speaking the last 3 weeks on Psalm 23.  Today he talked about the last 2 verses and broke it down to this... "those who don't have peace in their lives/hearts are those that are not walking closely with God."  OUCH!! I hear ya Lord, I get it.  So I sit and write out what God is teaching me in this moment through the gobblety goop in my head and heart.  I pray that as I step into a new week my priorities will shift, my heart's desire will bleed for the Lord that I would draw nearer to Him and forget everything else.  Trusting that in His time it will all make sense.  

Well there ya go... I guess I did end up flowing and having a point :-)  I can honestly say that which I just wrote came as a surprise to me.  

In the Face of Tragedy

My heart has spent this weekend grieving for those affected by the tragedy that struck Aurora, Colorado early Friday morning.  I cannot pinpoint why my emotions are all over the map other than to deduce that it may have something to do with my career field.  This is the first tragedy that has struck our nation since I've become a counselor in the professional world.  And since earning my degree and license I see things differently.  I question things differently, and I try my hardest not to allow my anger towards a situation to get the best of me.  I am no expert on tragedy, I have no idea why that individual made the choices that he made to harm so many innocent people, but for whatever reason my heart has felt this strong desire to write this weekend pertaining to this particular topic.  I put it off, I prayed about it, I questioned what I have to say that would matter to anyone at all.  And yet here I am... writing.  

The closest thing I have to relate to this situation is that I too faced unexpected tragedy in my life.  And from my experience I can say that tragedy alters one's life.  There are two ways it can be altered... two ways you can choose to go.  Either you allow it to change you for the better or you allow it to change you for the worse.  I would have to say for me tragedy changed me for the better and continues to do just that.  I see things differently, and although I relate closely to being sensitive I would say it made me that much more sensitive to tragedy and all those involved.  In the case of the theater shooting in Aurora, CO this past weekend I would have to say that my heart grieves for ALL involved, including the man who allegedly caused this tragedy.  I'm sure that comment right there is enough for people to comment and question why I would say such a thing, but I say that because clearly there was something so off within this individual, so altered in his brain that he made the choice he made.  This is by no means an excuse for what he did, or to take away the unbelievable and incomprehensible pain that the families are feeling over the unexpected loss of their friends and family.  I cannot imagine the excitement these individuals felt over the anticipation of being able to see this movie, staying up late to be one of the firsts to view it.  I too have been excited about this movie coming out, but I have to say it's really hard to even think about seeing it now in light of what has happened.  Not out of fear, but rather out of the fact that I'm not sure I can sit in the theater and watch this movie, knowing that I'll probably be wondering what those individuals in Aurora were feeling and estimating at what point the man who intended to cause so much harm walked in and altered the lives of so many.

BUT... it was not my intention to write this blog just to share how I felt about it, but rather to maybe, hopefully leave a bit of hope for someone who may have been closely affected by this tragedy.  My hope, faith, trust, and love fall in the hands of the one who created this world.  The one who created each of us... God.  I don't know why such a tragedy would be allowed to happen, in the same way I'm not sure why He allowed tragedy to strike my family over 4 years ago.  These are questions I have for that day I meet Him face to face, or at least that's how I feel right now.  What I can say to all this is that we are not alone...

In the Bible, Matthew 28:20 Jesus says, "And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." And although we don't always understand why things happen as they do, God's word tells us in Proverbs 3:5-6, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."  

I am keenly aware that all of this may mean nothing right now, when tragedy is still so fresh in the hearts and minds of those closely affected.  For me, as strong as I'd say my faith is, as strong as my love and trust is in the Lord I too found myself so angry with Him soon after my nephew died four years ago.  I was hurt and felt so alone, that the Lord did not hear my cries and prayers over Billy.  But then one day while writing out of my broken heart there was this peace that came over me, one that surpassed any understanding I felt I had over the situation and I chose to walk a different way.  I chose to walk in hope, to continue to trust and trust more deeply in the one who loves me more than anyone else in the world.  I chose to continue to live the life He has laid out for me, to continue to dream the dreams that have been placed on my heart.  And I encourage you, dear readers to do the same.  In the midst of this most recent tragedy, the tragedies that may have affected you in the past, or the those that might affect you in the future... always, always chose to walk in the light, in hope, in love for He has amazing plans for you.  

"Rejoice in the Lord always.  I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all.  The Lord is near.  Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." ~ Philippians 4:4-7 (NIV84)

Natalie Grant, Alive, Music Inspired by The Story

What Happens with a Broken Heart...

"Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." 

~ Matthew 11:28

Several weeks ago I had a conversation with a couple of girlfriends.  One of them is married and made the comment that she wish she had heeded the advice of an older woman in her life about not giving her heart away so much.  That when you give your heart away it's less that you are able to give to your husband one day.  My friends continued on this topic for a little while longer and I just sat there pondering that comment (much like I do when pondering seems necessary).  I never said anything, but I can't say I agree with it.  I'm also not here to advise going out and just freely giving your heart away.  The couple of times I have laid my heart out on the line, only to have it returned in many pieces I find that over time it is healed and became stronger and lovelier than ever before.  Because of the chances I've taken, the vulnerability I've shown I can say I feel more equipped and ready to love my future husband as God calls me to and is currently training me to do.  And there's is absolutely NOTHING I did to heal my broken heart, at least not on my own.  All I did was humbly and faithfully take it to God and ask him, in HIS timing to heal it, to make it whole once again.  It was after the last time it was broken that I realized the common thread.  That all the times it was broken were the times that I allowed an earthly man to seep into the areas of my heart that belonged to Christ.  I found myself seeking approval from man and affirmation rather than trusting in God and who He says that I am.  I promised myself that I would never do it again... I hope I can keep that promise.  

I know God loves me, there's not a question in mind about that.  But I also know how saddened He becomes every time I have to climb into His lap with my heart in hand, all tattered and torn.  Sometimes it has to stay in His healing hands for months at a time.  And it's not just through broken romantic relationships, but He's held it through broken friendships, death of a loved one, death of a dream(s), disappointment, unmet expectations, etc.   I know that God loves when I come to Him, but I also know He loves it more when it happens all the time, not just in the broken times.  I'm in a new season.  One where I'm learning so much more than I think I ever have before about myself.  At any given moment you might find me hysterically happy or hysterically sad.  On some occasions I admit that I get mad (yes, I said it... mad).  But I don't care, because I know I'm being honest and it's through a healed heart, albeit covered with scars, but healed nonetheless,  that I'm walking out who Christ says I am and who He longs to see living a life that honors and glorifies Him.  

I don't know what the next step is or where the next season will take me, or even how many more broken hearts I'll endure here on earth, but I have no doubt of who will be with me every step of the way.  Ready and willing to heal my broken heart, if necessary.

I Won't Give Up: A Lesson in Dream Chasing

"On hearing this, Jesus said, 'It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick.  But go and learn what this means: 'I desire mercy, not sacrifice.'  For I have not called the righteous, but sinners.'" 

~ Matthew 9:12 (NIV '84)

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." 

~ Proverbs 13:12 (NIV '84)

"'Cause even the stars they burn

Some even fall to the earth

We've got a lot to learn

God knows we're worth it

No, I won't give up"*

Do you sense a theme here?  I've found myself at a crossroads lately.  A crossroads between what I love to do, what I want to do, what I need to do, what I don't really care to be doing, and the place where I deeply long to be in the midst of all of it.  I guess the bigger question is... in the midst of this crossroad, what will I chose to do?  Will I give up... or will I look up, trusting in the one who has illuminated the path before me?

"Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path." 

~ Psalm 119:105

The last 18 months have been a little deceiving in what I refer to as my "human" eyes.  I had so many distractions and what the world would refer to as worldly possessions.  I had deceived myself enough to think that I deserved it.  I knew where my life was going, I had the perfect life mapped out and was full steam ahead.  Had you told me 18 months ago that I would be where I am today, I probably would have just laughed in your face.  Terrible, I know!  And hindsight is always 20/20, right?  That kinda sucks, but then again, how would I know to change things in my life if I couldn't see my mistakes from before, if I refused to see my mistakes from before?  Being able to see hindsight in 20/20 reminds me of how grateful I am to be surrounded by such a strong cloud of witnesses, friends and family that hold me up, that intercede for me when I don't have the faintest idea in how to approach the Savior.  I thank God that these are the people who have not and will not give up on me.  I thank God that my best friend looks at me with a sweet and innocent blank stare when I have my "Ah Ha!" moments, knowing full well that she has probably been trying to tell me all along whatever it is I think I just discovered about myself.

I don't know what my future holds, I will say trying so hard to navigate it and control it over the last 30 years has done wore me out!  One thing I do hope is that my thirties look dramatically different from my twenties.  Not that my twenties were bad, but I learned so much that I would assume not repeat ;)  I want to love more deeply, take more risks, open my heart to the hurting, not allow others to make me feel inferior (not that I'm superior by any means either), trust more intently, and never assume when there's so much I don't know.

I'm not giving up, I don't know where I'm headed, but wherever it is, I'm not giving up... I'm looking up.

"I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not
And who I am"*

*I Won't Give Up by Jason Mraz (Love is a Four Letter Word 2012)

Two BEAUTIFUL Messes

"A friend loves at all times..." ~ Proverbs 17:17

There is this wonderful woman of God I know, and I'm lucky enough to call her my best friend.  Her name is Stacey and she doesn't know this yet, but she is the inspiration for this post.  I sure hope she doesn't mind :)

Stacey is one of those super special treasures, that when you meet and get to know her you cannot help but thank God she was brought into your life.  Stacey and I go back about 6 years, and let me just say I have no question it was God that brought her into my life.   You see, she opted to stick around and invest in my life after I acted like a crazy loon the night we met.  Oh, but that is another story for another day.  I could go on and on singing her praises till I take my last breath here on earth, but her inspiration for this blog comes from a statement she made to me in a conversation earlier today.

Stacey and I have had our fair share of frogs in our lives that did not turn into princes.  We have gone back and forth crying on each other's shoulders.  She's been angry for me when I didn't have it in me and I've been angry for her when she didn't have it in herself.  We are a rockin' team!  The thing that Stacey said that got me into blog worthy processing mode was her question of "Why am I the girl who prepares a guy for marriage to someone else?"  Oh sweet friend, how I believe so many girls have asked this question out loud as well.  My response to my sweet best friend... I told her that God didn't want her to settle, that the reason why it hasn't worked out yet for her is that God has someone more amazing than she could ever imagine for her.  I suddenly realized I was preaching to the choir.  I too have been the girl that prepares the guy for someone else, and that is a heart breaking place to be.  But I have to remember and I have to remind Stacey that there is that possibility that some other girls have had the job of preparing our husbands for us.  Praise the Lord for those women and Praise God that He has protected our hearts and lives from something that could have been potentially harmful or hurtful years down the road.

I love the wisdom and the sudden realizations that are coming to light in my thirties.  I'm even more grateful that I've got my beautiful friend to walk out each and every one of these seasons with me.  Stacey and I are what I would call a "Beautiful Mess."  We are learning who we are, we are trusting God in what He's calling us to do with our lives, and we are tripping all over the place trying to fit the pieces of it all together.  We are not perfect, but I think that's why we laugh so very much!  

Cheers to you my gorgeous BEST FRIEND!!! I cannot wait to see what God has in store for us as the years go by.  You are loved! 

XOXO!!