Unbeknownst

Entering the world for the first time, she is innocent, helpless and in need of a great love. Unbeknownst to her there is a love she is surrounded by, a love that will never let her go. She grows, she searches, she questions, she ponders and gradually finds a life that she longs for/she dreams of. She stumbles/she falls and with every new step, with each time she picks herself up, brushes herself off and starts all over again. As she stands she stands taller than before for the one that she leans on is stronger than she could ever hope or imagine. And she keeps moving forward.

The storms come, the clouds are continuous, dark, and everlasting...there seems no way around it, so she goes through it. She holds onto that great love that was revealed to her at an early age, even though she is still unaware of His true strength and true love. On the other side is joy, peace, and prosperity all that she had turned away from before.

And so she continues forward, and not alone but with an army of those who trust in the same great love and through the storms she gains strength and wisdom that she never knew existed before. Along the way she carries this song in her heart, one that has been with her since her very first days...

"Jesus loves me, this I know
for the Bible tells me so.
Little ones to Him belong,
they are weak, but He is strong."

"Yes, Jesus loves me,
Yes, Jesus loves me,
Yes, Jesus loves me,
the Bible tells me so."

Original Post: July 15, 2007

When the Time is Right

"Just when the caterpillar thought life was over, he became a butterfly."

It seems we all have a story much like the caterpillar mentioned above. When life seems to overtake us, when it seems to overwhelm with unanswered questions that pile up one after the other, we are ready to throw in the towel. But then, when we least expect it, a transition happens, something so beautiful it simply takes our breath away. It happens for the young girl who has never known a romantic love and right when she is ready to believe that love ceases to exist, her prince charming walks in. It happens for the young wife who over and over again has been told that children are not in the cards for her, and then suddenly she is pregnant. It happens for the team who is down by 3 runs, bases loaded, and the person least likely to hit a grand slam does, winning the game for the home team.

We see it all the time, we are surrounded by caterpillars turning into butterflies. So why then, if we see it all the time, if we are surrounded, do we choose to believe that it could never happen to us? Maybe I'm alone in this thought, maybe it is my season of life right now and the desire to have clearer answers that puts this weight on my heart, but maybe it's not. I allow the unanswered questions, and the blurry directions of life to convince me that it would be easier to just throw in the towel. I've made some decisions over the last month or so that are not like me at all, and other night I hit my breaking point. I had a Jacob wrestling with God moment and I can say that it wasn't the first time. As I ceased to back down, as I committed to stay right where I was until God had spoken to me, low and behold I realized the truth behind my current position and confusion.

It appears that my time has come to transition from a caterpillar to a butterfly and I am refusing. Only because this cocoon, this home I've known for so long is so comfortable, never changing, exactly the way I like it. Nobody can make us transition out, no one can push us out of our cocoon (whatever it may be), but the longer we stay the more we miss out on the next chapter, that season that we have longed for when we are able to fly.

As I decide whether to stay or go, I hope that you will take the chance at becoming a beautiful butterfly because if it weren't the right time, it wouldn't be an option.

Original Post: May 9, 2007

Crazy Little Thing Called...

Fear – noun - an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat

I was taking the trash out at my apartment this evening when I started thinking about fear. What led to this thought was an amazing blessing and peace that I received today. As I was thinking of the monumental change that is on the horizon, the waves that are about to crash upon the shore I realized how fearful I was. But without a second thought I stopped, and I guess you could say I stumbled upon an epiphany, or theory so to speak. In those moments when I become fearful, I realize I am fully capable of conquering that in which I am afraid. I can't give out any details now as I do not have them, but I do know that I'm about to make the decision of a lifetime. And seeing that I'm in this wonderful season of life called "singleness," there is no better time. I leave you today with my bit of wisdom that I came across today. Granted, there are different kinds of fear, but the kind that I'm talking about is the life debilitating kind. The fear that keeps you from making those life decisions that could flip your world upside down…for the better. Say yes, if for nothing else other than to say you did it.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." ~ Hebrews 11:1

Original Post: April 14, 2007

To Every Season There is a Reason

I was talking with a friend the other night. She is one of the most open, honest, precious, and beautiful people I know. She is a true joy and light in my life. Occasionally, I get the honor of being a light in her life as well and last night was one of those occasions. However, more so than usual the exact words that were coming from my mouth were words that I to needed to hear for myself. For a few weeks now I've had this tugging on my heart and this feeling that "it's just not my season." I wasn't quite sure I understood until last night. Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 states that there is a time for everything, a season for everything, and as I thought about that last night I also tied it in with everything happens for a reason. I firmly believe that everything does happen for a reason, whether or not we actually know or understand the reason is something totally different. I don't always understand, I don't understand why relationships end, why love can be so fleeting when it seems so strong. I cannot begin to explain or understand why there can be so much distance between two people who love each other and why dreams and hopes can disappear before we know it. What I can understand is that with each season of life things happen, in such things we can either choose to stay right where we are and miss all that is ahead. Or we can move with the season, choose to trust that there is a reason we have to keep moving and pick up and step out in faith.

There are so many seasons of my life that have been left unexplained, but I look back now and understand that those seasons were inevitable so that I could be where I am now, standing strong. I'm starting to see the person I always hoped I would be, the person that God always saw, the woman of faith and strength that He always sees. The journey it took to get to this season was rough and not without roadblocks, and I realize that there are still more up ahead. I say bring them on, for without them I learn nothing, I remain the same. The same is not something I strive for, I continue along this path fully knowing that it may not be the season I had hoped and it may not have panned out according to my plan. However, it is a much better season than I could imagine and it will lead to even greater things.

Original Post: April 2, 2007

A Paralyzing Fear

They say if a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to see it, does it still make a sound? So, if one person says you make a difference, do you hear them? How many people does it take? Two? Three? An army? It has recently come to my attention that I live in a place of paralyzing fear of disappointing others. So I can't help but ask myself if I truly can hear what that one person is saying. It is not a matter of ability, I have the ability to hear. It is more of a matter of choice. Just as we choose whether or not that tree actually did indeed make a sound or we choose to believe that it did not, I have the choice to believe or not believe what I hear.

It's a little funny really, words of encouragement are one of my love languages and yet I still choose not to believe sometimes. I will battle relentlessly to try to prove what they say is wrong when every ounce in me needs to hear what that person has to say. Eventually it soaks in, but at what point? Past the point of making a substantial difference? My choice is to believe that one person, even if it is the only person. Because then if one person notices, then at least I'm fulfilling my destiny.

Original Post: February 21, 2007

Come As You Are

Ah…the lesson I'm learning right now. This seems to be a very fundamental lesson, something our parents taught us when we were little and we found it difficult to make friends or relate to another group of people. The answer was always, "come as you are, just be yourself, the rest will come in time." And time, that is a whole other aspect in life I'm learning to grasp, truly understand and embrace. I was once told that time is my best friend, I used to think it was my greatest enemy, that time was just prolonging the inevitable and the things in my life that I desperately desired to see come to pass. But now, well now I truly thank God for time. For the time it has taken me to get where I am now, for the lessons I've learned because I slowed down and stopped rushing to get from point A to point B, or C, D, and E.

Learning to come as I am, to truly be myself, to be comfortable in my own skin, in my own life has taken a very long time to grasp. It has only been in the last few weeks that I have found myself wanting to be face down on the floor truly surrendering my heart to first love, to my Heavenly Father. I find myself rushing home sometimes because I know that I can sink into my comfy chair, kick up my feet, and just be in the presence of my Lord. I'm finding myself stopping my negative thoughts before they get even remotely close to the finish line. I talk to myself out loud so that I don't become overwhelmed over something as stupid as throwing macaroni and cheese onto my newly cleaned outfit. I've lived my whole life according to what others expected of me, not wanting to disappoint anyone…ever. Then I was faced with a big decision over the weekend, I had to choose what was best for me, physically, mentally, emotionally, and Spiritually. I praise God that I didn't have to search real long or real hard, I always knew the answer deep down inside, but He made it even more clear because I sought Him above all else. I will continue to do this in every aspect of my life, for as I draw near to Him, He will indeed draw near to me.

I encourage you to dump all your list of should's and should not's and run after God instead of chasing yourself in circles. Come as you are, everything else will fall into place just as it should at exactly the right time.

Original Post: February 2, 2008

Deferred/Disappointment

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."

– Proverbs 13:12

I always wondered what "hope deferred," meant and then I read from Joyce Meyers that hope deferred is what we would call disappointment. We all get disappointed from time to time. We make plans, we have hopes and dreams and we know exactly how they are to pan out in our lifetime. But what do we do when our plans are altered, what we hoped or dreamed of doesn't turn out exactly how we would have hoped? Often times if we focus too much on the disappointment, the loss of our hopes and dreams, we get depressed. In those times of disappointment, when on the verge of allowing your feelings to dictate what move should be made next, choose to get reappointed.
Hope deferred does make the heart sick, but with reappointment, hope can be rekindled. With the Holy Spirit, our hearts can be made whole once again and our dreams restored.
I've had hope deferred many a time, I've faced disappointment more times than I can count. I haven't always faced it well either. I've very rarely chosen reappointment. This time is different, I'm realizing that just because hope is deferred for a while or in times when we thought it would be fulfilled, it doesn't mean that there isn't a better time or more to be experienced before finally fulfilled. I have a very big hope, a very big dream and over the years that has been my ultimate goal, my gold at the end of the rainbow. And year after year I have yet to see this hope fulfilled. With each year that passes, I allow this hope to be deferred, for it to lead me into disappointment and the belief that it will never come to pass. Not this year! I believe that this is going to be an amazing year full of reappointment, full of fulfilled dreams/hopes, and new ones established. Not just for me, but for my friends and family as well. I choose not to believe in the lies that say they will always be a hope deferred, that I will always live a life of disappointment. God has done an amazing work in my life, created a mighty strong woman in His kingdom and there is no disappointment in that. I am not disappointed in the number of times He has saved my life, for the number of times He has fought for my life when I could not, and the number of people He has brought to stand with me so they too could stand and fight and believe with me.
This year may turn out the same as years past, with a dream still in my heart yet to be fulfilled, but I will not allow it to lead me to disappointment for I know that with each day, with each month, with each year that I may wait for this hope, for this dream I trust that it will be that much more amazing than I could have ever imagined. I fully understand for the first time in 7 ½ years what it means to love the Lord my Savior more than life. I choose Him, a million times over, I choose Him.
Original Post: January 18, 2007