A few weeks ago I had the honor and privilege of hanging out with some of my favorite people... my sister, her hubby, and their three beautiful children, in Colorado Springs, CO. Each night I would help put my niece and nephews to bed and part of that privilege is snuggling with my 5-year-old niece, Avery in her bed for a bit as well as with my 2-year-old nephew, Nathan in his bed. One of my last nights visiting them in Colorado Nathan and I had finished praying and we were just chatting. I'm not sure of the exact context, but we got to talking about his big brother, Billy (who passed away of SIDS in March 2008). I asked Nathan if he knew who Billy was and he shook his head "yes." I then asked him if he knew where Billy was. Nathan answered very confident-like with, "Yeah, he's in Heaven, with Jeos [Jesus]." The way he sounded so confident just blew me away. I knew that my sister and brother-in-law share many stories about Billy and celebrate him on his birthday here on earth as well the day God called him home, but I was still taken by surprise by how much Nathan "knew." I realize he is only 2 and may not fully comprehend, but I look forward to the day that he understands more. He knows that he'll see his brother once again, and although I would have loved to see them grow up together, I put my trust in what God ultimately has planned.
The reason I share this story is because I've been spending a lot of time thinking about what I'm doing with my life and the path that God has called me down. I had a friend lovingly question my motives for wanting to move to Colorado to be closer to my sister and wanting to spend so much time focusing on helping (and ultimately being on staff) with SIDS America. I love that she did, because it got me thinking seriously about my heart and my intentions. I thought about it all last night, this morning when I woke up, this morning during my run in the rain, and now I'm writing it out. It's because of Avery, Nathan, and Jared (my sister's 3 kids here on Earth). It's because they won't get to know their brother this side of Heaven, but yet they know who he is. I want to spend my days working with grieving families so I don't forget where my family has been and what God has/is bringing us out of. I want to sit with these families for however long it takes because I longed for someone to sit with me during my grief over losing my nephew nearly 4 years ago. I want to give back in a subject that is barely touched both in the church and outside the church. The career I've chosen is difficult for some to understand, I get that. There are plenty of other things I would not be good at, but that's why God created people who are. I feel called to do what I do, I trust that God gives me the strength to be the compassionate, caring, and loving person I need to be for my patients. Plus I love talking and hearing about peoples lives, the good, the bad, and the ugly.
So why are my eyes fixed on a move to Colorado and being a part of something new and amazing in SIDS America? Because there is a love, a patience, a compassion burning deep inside my heart. So much so that if I ignore it I feel like I'm ignoring God.
"The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing... Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever." ~ Psalm 23:1,6
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Saturday, December 31, 2011
2011...
I didn't get around to writing an update letter/Merry Christmas letter this year so I decided I'd blog about this past year instead :)
The way the year started and finished were far from expected. I can't say that 2011 was a completely bad year, but it wasn't quite the best either. I would say the best of this year came in February and March... the end of a very long journey. On February 11 I sat for my LPC (Licensed Professional Counselor) Boards and passed! It was such a huge relief, I had so many random little glitches during my test time that I was about to throw in the towel before ever finishing. After passing I soon found a supervisor for the 3000 hours I have to obtain as an intern in the state of Texas and sent off all my paperwork to the State Licensing Board to obtain my official license as an LPC-Intern (which found it's way to me via snail mail in March). This is a journey that dates all the way back to 2005 and I couldn't be more thrilled to finally be practicing. Of course it has been a slow... very slow start. I've been working a combination of counseling jobs in addition to maintaining at least 30 hours/week at the Pediatric office I've been employed at since September 2009. My main counseling duties find me part time in Carrollton at my supervisor's private practice. I have 6 patients at this time and am learning quite a bit from all of them. In addition I serve alongside some incredible people within the non-profit organization at Camp COPE, a military camp for families of those serving in our military. I have the privilege of working with the kids of soldiers and let me say it is a wonderful way to give back to those who give so much to keep us here in the states safe and free. I have also been working from time to time at Sundance Behavioral Health Center in Ft. Worth, the same location where I obtained my hours as a grad student. It has all been a wonderful experience and I'm hoping that 2012 will find me in more of a full-time role as a counselor, or at the very least in a career field where I'm doing what I love... helping others :)
September brought the opportunity to serve with Camp COPE again and I found myself for the very first time stepping onto a military base, Fort Sam Houston in San Antonio. What a humbling experience, I truly had no idea (and still cannot fathom the true impact) the magnitude of the sacrifice of our men and women serving our country and I could not be more grateful. It was wonderful to have that weekend on base and continue to hear stories of the families who sometimes unwillingly let go of their loved ones to serve the rest of us.
The fall found me packing up my life once again (9th time in 6 years) and moving in with two wonderful ladies from my church, Watermark Community Church. I was so nervous, I did not know either of them before moving into the house and I couldn't be more at peace. It is a joy to spend this season of transition with the two of them and share life with them. My sense is that this is another transitional situation for me and though I don't know when, I have a feeling that whatever move is next it will be a BIG one.
November 21st was a huge milestone as I celebrated my 30th birthday. I've been waiting for this day since I was 26. Although I have no idea what my 30s hold, I do know that reflecting back on my 20s has brought great revelation and the hope that the mistakes I made in that decade won't be repeated in this one. And December 4th found me celebrating entering my 30s with accomplishing a huge challenge... my first half-marathon, Dallas White Rock Half-Marathon. It was very wet and very cold that day, but I finished with my best running time... 2 hours, 1 minute, and 21 seconds. That's an average of about 9 minutes/mile!I look forward to the year ahead (as I have in years past). I already have plans for lots of traveling and lots more running. I have plans to travel to Colorado in January and hopefully again in September for the Denver Rock and Roll Marathon (this time I'm going for the full). May will find me across the ocean in Germany for a week as I share in the much anticipated wedding of a very dear friend, one I consider to be much like another sister. I hope to attend as many Camp COPE weekends as possible and hopefully a weekend escape to the Texas Hill Country with my most beautiful and precious best friend.
2011 brought a lot of revelation, most of which came in the final few months. It brought joy and heartache and the most unexpected life changes. I struggle to be grateful for what became of this year, but I remember that God has not left me, nor has he forgotten me. I thank Him that His grace and mercy is so big and so overwhelming that me being angry doesn't deter His love for me at all. I wish the very best for you in the upcoming year dear readers. And whatever comes of this year, I pray you find the best and trust in the one who loves you the most.
Happy New Year and Many Blessings,
Cristyn
"Forget about what's happened; don't keep going over old history. Be alert, be present. I'm about to do something brand-new. It's bursting out! Don't you see it? There it is! I'm making a road through the desert, rivers in the badlands." ~ Isaiah 43:18,19 (The Message)
Monday, December 19, 2011
Encourage... to give Courage
The dictionary defines encourage as "give support, confidence, or hope to (someone)." Someone else once defined it for me as giving another courage. This is a topic that has been on my heart a lot lately. As I struggle to find courage myself, I find that I am in a profession where I hand out encouragement daily. I love it, I find as a counselor I meet with individuals who may never have been given courage or if they were it was tied or connected to some outcome or expectation. That they could be who they wanted or what they wanted if they would just do this or that. Truth be told (at least from my perspective) we all just want to know that someone, even if just one person, believes in us regardless of what we're able to do or what we can give that other person or anyone for that matter.
As I've gotten older my perspective on Christmas has changed... for the better. When I was younger my focus was on the wonderment of it all. The lights, the tree, Santa, cookies, presents... anything and everything but the true meaning. I just didn't get it when I was little. But now, now I wonder about that most momentous night when Christ came to earth as a baby. I think about what lead to his birth, what Mary must have been thinking when the angel came to tell her that she would give birth to the son of God. What Joseph was thinking, what their parents thought. How do you even begin to explain to others that you have not slept with your betrothed before marriage and yet you're pregnant? I can't imagine that you possibly could, except that God was in it... every step of the way, He had a plan. He still does.
Mary was given courage in that God chose her. He gave encouragement that she could fulfill what He called her to do with her body, with her life. There are a million other stories in the Bible of those that were given courage from God. That despite what they were doing with their lives or the choices they made, God still encouraged and gave them new hope, a new life. He would use where they struggled or the bad decisions they made in the past to fulfill the promise He had on their lives. And I guess that is where I'm going with this post. We have a book full of encouragement to use with one another. We don't have to struggle to find words to say to give courage to another. God gave us a handbook with timeless words of encouragement.
I love words of encouragement, they are my number one love language and so I guess I get frustrated when words are handed out with a feeling of emptiness. Like the person just wants to say anything to make someone else feel better so they pull out the over used "I'm sorry you're hurting" and that's it. And I'm not here to point fingers, I've been there, I struggle to find words to say when others are in a place I cannot relate to or a place very different from myself. My hope is that when I search my heart to find words to encourage another it's more than just an "I'm sorry" but something deeper, something that will give the other person hope that they're not going to stay in that place where all they hear is an "I'm sorry."
My hope as a counselor, as a daughter, as a sister, as an aunt, as a friend... whatever role I'm in that I would go past the I'm sorry to something I see in that person that maybe in the moment or the season that person cannot see in themselves. To give them hope and remind them that where they are at right now is not where they are destined to stay.
There is not a whole lot I can do. In fact there are many things I am not gifted in, but I do know that God has called me to give courage, to encourage, and to go deep with people. I hope that my life, much like Mary's and so many others in the Bible will be one that God is pleased with, one that I fulfill all that He has called me to do here on earth.
"Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished."
~ Luke 1:45
Be Born in Me (Mary) by Francesca Battistelli
As I've gotten older my perspective on Christmas has changed... for the better. When I was younger my focus was on the wonderment of it all. The lights, the tree, Santa, cookies, presents... anything and everything but the true meaning. I just didn't get it when I was little. But now, now I wonder about that most momentous night when Christ came to earth as a baby. I think about what lead to his birth, what Mary must have been thinking when the angel came to tell her that she would give birth to the son of God. What Joseph was thinking, what their parents thought. How do you even begin to explain to others that you have not slept with your betrothed before marriage and yet you're pregnant? I can't imagine that you possibly could, except that God was in it... every step of the way, He had a plan. He still does.
Mary was given courage in that God chose her. He gave encouragement that she could fulfill what He called her to do with her body, with her life. There are a million other stories in the Bible of those that were given courage from God. That despite what they were doing with their lives or the choices they made, God still encouraged and gave them new hope, a new life. He would use where they struggled or the bad decisions they made in the past to fulfill the promise He had on their lives. And I guess that is where I'm going with this post. We have a book full of encouragement to use with one another. We don't have to struggle to find words to say to give courage to another. God gave us a handbook with timeless words of encouragement.
I love words of encouragement, they are my number one love language and so I guess I get frustrated when words are handed out with a feeling of emptiness. Like the person just wants to say anything to make someone else feel better so they pull out the over used "I'm sorry you're hurting" and that's it. And I'm not here to point fingers, I've been there, I struggle to find words to say when others are in a place I cannot relate to or a place very different from myself. My hope is that when I search my heart to find words to encourage another it's more than just an "I'm sorry" but something deeper, something that will give the other person hope that they're not going to stay in that place where all they hear is an "I'm sorry."
My hope as a counselor, as a daughter, as a sister, as an aunt, as a friend... whatever role I'm in that I would go past the I'm sorry to something I see in that person that maybe in the moment or the season that person cannot see in themselves. To give them hope and remind them that where they are at right now is not where they are destined to stay.
There is not a whole lot I can do. In fact there are many things I am not gifted in, but I do know that God has called me to give courage, to encourage, and to go deep with people. I hope that my life, much like Mary's and so many others in the Bible will be one that God is pleased with, one that I fulfill all that He has called me to do here on earth.
"Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished."
~ Luke 1:45
Be Born in Me (Mary) by Francesca Battistelli
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
The Devil Went Down to Dallas
Two and a half weeks ago I completed one of the biggest challenges of my life, I ran and finished my first half marathon (13.1 miles). In mid-August I decided that to celebrate me entering my 30s I wanted to run a half marathon. Crazy I know, but it sounded like a great challenge and a great way to help distract me from other unexpected life changes. I thought about running a full marathon, but didn't think I'd be ready and figured I'd better start out small :) So thus came the decision to enter the Dallas White Rock Half Marathon and luckily I had the privilege to train with Team in Training, a part of the Lymphoma and Leukemia Society. Not only was a able to train with an amazing group of people, but I was able to raise money for cancer research in the process as well. I finished the half marathon in record time (for me anyway). I completed it in 2 hours, 1 minute, and 21 seconds averaging my best pace of about 9 minute miles. I was extraordinarily impressed with myself especially considering it was 40 degrees that day in Dallas and rained through the majority of my race. I had run in rain before and had run in the cold, but never the two together. Not only was I doing something I'd never done before, but in weather I had never done it in before either. It couldn't have been a better day (well, other than no rain of course).
The thing of it is I had the best time training and God showed me so much about myself and things of my past and present that took me by surprise and helped me grow (and continue to grow) beyond belief. Years ago in middle school I chose to run cross country so that I could continue in the Athletics program at school. I found that I loved it and continued on through the track season that year and cross country again in my eighth grade year. However in the midst of all that is when I became very self conscious of my body and used running to feed my desire to lose weight I didn't need to lose and thus began my struggle for 6 and a half years with an eating disorder. I look back now I see how the Devil stole my joy for something I loved and was good at. He came to steal, kill, and destroy... and he nearly did, but at the end of the day it was the Lord who saved me and healed me. Now here I am 17 years later and I'm finally running again, having completely forgotten how much I loved it and how much freedom it brings me. When I am out there I am completely uninhibited. I don't care what others think about my running style, or what I'm wearing or the fact that I'm mouthing the words to whatever song happens to be playing on my iPod at the time. When I am outside running I am just Cristyn, not who anyone else wants me to be... I'm just that girl out running.
"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." ~ Genesis 50:20
The thing of it is I had the best time training and God showed me so much about myself and things of my past and present that took me by surprise and helped me grow (and continue to grow) beyond belief. Years ago in middle school I chose to run cross country so that I could continue in the Athletics program at school. I found that I loved it and continued on through the track season that year and cross country again in my eighth grade year. However in the midst of all that is when I became very self conscious of my body and used running to feed my desire to lose weight I didn't need to lose and thus began my struggle for 6 and a half years with an eating disorder. I look back now I see how the Devil stole my joy for something I loved and was good at. He came to steal, kill, and destroy... and he nearly did, but at the end of the day it was the Lord who saved me and healed me. Now here I am 17 years later and I'm finally running again, having completely forgotten how much I loved it and how much freedom it brings me. When I am out there I am completely uninhibited. I don't care what others think about my running style, or what I'm wearing or the fact that I'm mouthing the words to whatever song happens to be playing on my iPod at the time. When I am outside running I am just Cristyn, not who anyone else wants me to be... I'm just that girl out running.
"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." ~ Genesis 50:20
Sunday, November 20, 2011
A Mere 30
It's funny. I'm not sure what to say... just that I felt a strong desire to write tonight. You see it's my last night of my twenties and I just might be one of the few women in the world that is beyond thrilled to be turning 30. It's not that things were terrible or horrendous in my twenties, it was life and God graciously helped me through it. It's more like I finally seem to get it a little more... the game of life that is. Will I ever understand it all? Of course not, but when God gives me words like that from Jeremiah 29:11, "'For I know the plans I have for you', declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" How could I doubt that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be?
We all have a story... multiple stories to be exact that make up our life here on earth and my first 30 years are full of them. The good, the bad, the ugly... every single moment plays a part in the path and the direction God set out before me long before I even took a breath. How amazing is that? Sometimes I lay awake in bed pondering that. It sounds strange, but to think that He who created me, He who breathed life into me knew long before I ever did all the times I'd say "yes" or "no" or which direction I would go with my season(s) of life. Praise God! It may feel like a mistake sometimes, the choices I make, but I thank God He is gracious and loving, slow to anger, and compassionate that He is there to get me back on track.
Over the last few weeks I've been able to look back on the last decade and see how the choices I made seemed to put my life on hold. How so many times in my twenties I was constantly waiting for something. I focused so much on the future that God only knows what I missed in the present. My hope going into my 30s is that I'll be able to be in the here and now and yet excited about the unknown of the future... not fearful. And also that I wouldn't be so hard on myself about the past, for the past helped get me to where I am today. It is because of my past that God is going to use me to minister to the lives of others. At least I hope so. But maybe all my past will be used for is a way to be a better listener to my nieces and nephews and God willing... my own children someday.
As I prepare to say good-bye to one decade and hello to another I take great comfort in Zephaniah 3:17
"The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."
We all have a story... multiple stories to be exact that make up our life here on earth and my first 30 years are full of them. The good, the bad, the ugly... every single moment plays a part in the path and the direction God set out before me long before I even took a breath. How amazing is that? Sometimes I lay awake in bed pondering that. It sounds strange, but to think that He who created me, He who breathed life into me knew long before I ever did all the times I'd say "yes" or "no" or which direction I would go with my season(s) of life. Praise God! It may feel like a mistake sometimes, the choices I make, but I thank God He is gracious and loving, slow to anger, and compassionate that He is there to get me back on track.
Over the last few weeks I've been able to look back on the last decade and see how the choices I made seemed to put my life on hold. How so many times in my twenties I was constantly waiting for something. I focused so much on the future that God only knows what I missed in the present. My hope going into my 30s is that I'll be able to be in the here and now and yet excited about the unknown of the future... not fearful. And also that I wouldn't be so hard on myself about the past, for the past helped get me to where I am today. It is because of my past that God is going to use me to minister to the lives of others. At least I hope so. But maybe all my past will be used for is a way to be a better listener to my nieces and nephews and God willing... my own children someday.
As I prepare to say good-bye to one decade and hello to another I take great comfort in Zephaniah 3:17
"The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Free...
free - not physically restrained, obstructed, or fixed; unimpeded
Too many things I can't do too well,
afraid I'll try real hard, and I'll fail--
This is how it's been.
Till the day You pounded on my heart's door,
And You shouted joyfully,
"You're not a slave anymore!"
"You're free to dance-
Forget about your two left feet
And you're free to sing-even joyful noise is music to Me
You're free to love,
'Cause I've given you My love,
and it's made you free*
It's funny how God does things, how He seems to work everything out. It's really no surprise to me (looking back) that Ginny Owens would perform with the worship team at Watermark Community Church this past weekend. Not only that, but service started with her performing "Free." How fitting for this season. About three months ago a good friend of mine showed me a popular YouTube video of a whale being cut free from a fishermen's net. In showing me the video she was implying that I had been set free, free to be me, free to find the one God has for me to share my life with. In the early stages of grief I adamantly argued with her, telling her that I didn't feel as though I had been captured or restrained like the whale had been. I think that maybe in that moment I just didn't get what God was trying to explain to me through my friend. Now it's all starting to make a little more sense. You see, I wasn't restrained, not by anyone else anyway. I was restrained by my own false belief and self-hatred. I had fixated myself on how things should be or should've been that I was completely missing God's gentleness and love towards me.
Now here we are a few days into a new season and I laugh because I realize all the arguing I did with God over the last few months has led me into this very sweet season of redemption and hopefully finding ultimate freedom in Him. I've found myself in this predicament before, when will I ever learn, I don't know. But I thank God He is patient and kind and loving and merciful (just to name a few characteristics). There's been a strange peace that has fallen over me the last few days, one that I can't really put words to, but I won't make excuses or downplay my joy. I find myself dancing again, singing again, and remembering the very things that make me uniquely ME! All I can say is that He is with me and I with Him... even in what seems to be the darkest times. He hasn't forgotten me, He hasn't abandoned me. I look forward to what this season has in store, I have a feeling it is going to be something quite unexpected and amazing!
Free from worry, free from envy and denial
Free to live, free to give, free to smile*
*Free by Ginny Owens
Too many things I can't do too well,
afraid I'll try real hard, and I'll fail--
This is how it's been.
Till the day You pounded on my heart's door,
And You shouted joyfully,
"You're not a slave anymore!"
"You're free to dance-
Forget about your two left feet
And you're free to sing-even joyful noise is music to Me
You're free to love,
'Cause I've given you My love,
and it's made you free*
It's funny how God does things, how He seems to work everything out. It's really no surprise to me (looking back) that Ginny Owens would perform with the worship team at Watermark Community Church this past weekend. Not only that, but service started with her performing "Free." How fitting for this season. About three months ago a good friend of mine showed me a popular YouTube video of a whale being cut free from a fishermen's net. In showing me the video she was implying that I had been set free, free to be me, free to find the one God has for me to share my life with. In the early stages of grief I adamantly argued with her, telling her that I didn't feel as though I had been captured or restrained like the whale had been. I think that maybe in that moment I just didn't get what God was trying to explain to me through my friend. Now it's all starting to make a little more sense. You see, I wasn't restrained, not by anyone else anyway. I was restrained by my own false belief and self-hatred. I had fixated myself on how things should be or should've been that I was completely missing God's gentleness and love towards me.
Now here we are a few days into a new season and I laugh because I realize all the arguing I did with God over the last few months has led me into this very sweet season of redemption and hopefully finding ultimate freedom in Him. I've found myself in this predicament before, when will I ever learn, I don't know. But I thank God He is patient and kind and loving and merciful (just to name a few characteristics). There's been a strange peace that has fallen over me the last few days, one that I can't really put words to, but I won't make excuses or downplay my joy. I find myself dancing again, singing again, and remembering the very things that make me uniquely ME! All I can say is that He is with me and I with Him... even in what seems to be the darkest times. He hasn't forgotten me, He hasn't abandoned me. I look forward to what this season has in store, I have a feeling it is going to be something quite unexpected and amazing!
Free from worry, free from envy and denial
Free to live, free to give, free to smile*
*Free by Ginny Owens
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Birthday Celebration for an Angel
When we started this journey
But this is where we are
And our God is in control
Though this first taste is bitter
There will be sweetness forever
When we finally taste and see
That our God is in control
And we'll sing holy, holy, holy is our God
And we will finally really understand what it means
So we'll sing holy, holy, holy is our God
While we're waiting for that day
~ Steven Curtis Chapman, Our God is in Control
Happy 4th Birthday Billy!!! Oh how greatly you are missed. I've been thinking about you a lot lately and missing you just the same. It's hard to believe you would have been 4 today. It is truly an honor to share my birthday month with you and your younger cousin, Will. I spent 25 years with November all to myself in our family and then in 2007 you and Will came along and I finally got to share my birthday month with someone, 2 of my favorite boys to be exact.
So much of life has happened in 4 years. I often wonder what Heaven is like and what you're up to. Your sister Avery once asked me who makes birthday cakes in Heaven. My response to her was that we would have to ask God when we get there. She is a great big sister, she loves and misses you as we all do. And your younger brothers are hilarious and so full of life and personality. I imagine the three of you would have given your sweet Mama a run for her money. I look forward to the day that Nathan and Jared fully understand who you were to them. You would have been an awesome big brother. Your Mama reminds me constantly (though not intentionally) what God spoke to her before you were born. That you would be light and life to those around you... and you are, even today in your absence here on earth. You've been a constant reminder to me to love, cherish, and fully grasp every moment here on earth for we are here but a short while.
I long to see your sweet face once again and hold you in my arms, but until Jesus comes back or God calls me home I will wait for that precious day. This may not have been what we wanted or what we would have planned, but I trust that God's hand is on all of this. I've seen how he continues to heal your Mama and Daddy. I see the light and life that is within them as they reach out to other families and help them through the grieving process of losing a child to SIDS. You left a legacy that not even a little guy like you could comprehend, but only our big God.
I love you and until I see you again I send you big hugs and kisses!
XOXO,
Aunt Cristyn
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