Trust and Hope

Trust: belief that someone or something is reliable, good, effective, honest, etc. (courtesy Merriam-Webster Dictionary online)

Hope: to want something to happen or be true and think that it could happen or be true (courtesy Merriam-Webster Dictionary online)


Listed above are two words that I've found myself grasping tightly to in this year, 2014.  "Trust" came through time spent with God and prayerfulness as 2013 was winding down and 2014 was on the horizon.  Here we are and the sun is just about to peak over this year and I find myself adding another word to the list..."Hope."  While Merriam-Webster is very helpful in giving me the English language definition of trust and hope, I have become intrigued to find what God says in His word about both trust and hope.

"You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.  Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord himself, is the Rock eternal." ~ Isaiah 26:3-4 (NIV)

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." ~ Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)

"In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name." ~ Psalm 33:21 (NIV)

I realized in my time with the Lord as my heart was preparing for all the excitement and unexpectedness that comes with one year ending and another beginning that there is a constant theme of desperately trying to depend on my own ability.  That I am not leaning into and trusting the Lord for the things he desires for me to trust in him for, I do not live out Proverbs 3:5-6 as much as I'd like to think that I do.  So then the question I had to ask myself is "why not trust the Lord?  What is your fear?"  And I find that it all goes back to feeling out of control and believing in some warped sense that I can control things.  HA!! Praise God that he has been gentle with me as I come to terms with my inability and grasping onto how truly able He is!  For me trust has truly been a gentle word, a word of peace over my life.  As I let go of the things I'm trusting myself to accomplish/complete, and turn it over to God I am better able to see His work in my life and those around me.  My heart is grateful for my insufficiencies and that He is truly sufficient enough (2 Corinthians 3:5).

Now with nearly half the year complete I've been in the book of Romans for the last 6 weeks or so and focusing on chapter 8, one verse at a time.  Tonight, through meditating on God's word, prayer, and worship I broke down Romans 8:24-25 realizing the significance of the word "hope" with where I am right now.

"For in this hope we were saved.   But hope that is seen is no hope at all.  Who hopes for what they already have?  But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently."
~ Romans 8:24-25 (NIV)

And then through my study on scripture of "trust" I realized how closely connected both "hope" and "trust" are throughout God's word.  The connection for me has been that as I trust in the Lord, I find that my patience for that in which I hope deepens...lengthens.

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." ~ Romans 15:13 (NIV)

I even found where hope sandwiched trust in Psalm 33....

"We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield.  In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name.  May your unfailing love be with us, Lord, even as we put our hope in you."
~ Psalm 33:20-22 (NIV)

The Lord has spoken as I've sought him...what words is he speaking to you?  What theme do you find running in your season of 2014?

Gentlemen...This Blog's for You!

As I was getting my self primped and ready for work this morning one of my favorite songs came on my itunes playlist.  For me it's one of those songs that I've used, ever since it was released, to pump me up and encourage myself.  Even at 32 I have my moments where my self-esteem is less than stellar, and through my posts, you can catch up on another time I've shared on self-esteem and inner beauty (Strip Me... What Will You Find?).  But I digress, for today's inspired blog comes not just from this song, but as my mind started to wander and I found myself contemplating why there's not as much focus on encouraging men in the same way.  Now, I could be completely off base, there may be 5000+ bloggers out there purely dedicated to boosting the self-esteem of me, but I cannot help but wonder, how many of them may bring God into the mix.

Let me give you a small taste of the song that inspired me this morning...

He's on the edge of giving up tonight
He's feelin' like he's wasted the best days of his life
Afraid he'll never be the man he thought that he could be
When he looks inside he's so ashamed of who he sees*

I cannot help but wonder how many guys feel this way when they look at themselves, or think back on decisions they've made in their lives or are in the midst of making?  I know men and women are different, I'm not so naive to completely miss that.  But are we really that different when it comes to struggling with our self-esteem.  Let's be honest though, in a crowded room of men and women, you're more likely to see women raise their hand when answering the question, "who here struggles with self-esteem?".  But being that I have two older brothers, a brother-in-law, a father, and a boyfriend...I wonder what's my role in encouraging them when they are discouraged with how they see themselves? How can I help boost in them all the great and wonderful things that I see in them?  

For starters, we gotta be consistent in prayer...trusting God's hand in it and not trying to do it by our own will and strength.  The truth is, each individual person is created and identified by God, not me, not anyone else...so why would we or how could we depend on our own selves to define ourselves or anyone else for that matter?  Quite frankly, left to our own will we'd continue to change and rework everything on the outside to find a definition of self, for God's word says:
"'For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.'" - 1 Samuel 16:7 (ESV)

This is such a tough verse for me to remember, and not just in how I interact with others, but with how much pressure I place on myself to encourage and edify the men in my life that I love and care so deeply for.  So, in the same way I have to look to God's word to identify and describe me, I also have to dig deep into His word to trust in encouraging the men in my life.  For when I look at those 5 men (and the 4 little men growing up behind them) what I see is their heart, not what's presented to me on the outside.  

Honestly, this is not one of those super deep/rocket science type blogs.  It's pretty straight forward and simple.  My final say on this particular topic is especially for those women with a significant other (boyfriend, fiance, husband) in which I remind you as the women these men trust with their hearts, we are called to pray and lift them up to the Lord.  I truly believe that as we are obedient to that the result is this...

"The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain.  She does him good, and not harm,     all the days of her life." - Proverbs 31:11-12 (ESV)

*Mark Schultz - Father's Eyes

Reinventing Eve

"Then the Lord God said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone.  I will make a helper who is just right for him.'" - Genesis 2:18 (NLT)

It is in that verse that we come to find out the reasoning for Eve, for God did not believe it best for Adam to be alone.  Although there were animals in which Adam was given the responsibility for naming, God still did not find the "right" helper for him... and thus we received Eve, Adam's helpmate. Even the unchurched and unbelievers know what happens next as Adam and Eve were given a lush place to live, as well as enjoying a perfect relationship with God and with one another.  Adam and Eve sinned, and thus began the world we live in now.  Being a woman created in the image of God I obviously most related to Eve and find it difficult to see things from Adam's perspective.  Both Adam and Eve had responsibilities to own up to in the Garden, but my focus in writing is from a female perspective, after all...I am a female.

After reading through the first few chapters of Genesis and digging deep into the creation of the world and the fall of man, I find how God is showing me the process of reinventing Eve in modern times so that women today (and men as well) do not continue to live a life of sin.  My study bible in which I seek God's word is The Life Recovery Bible.  I utilize this Bible as I continue to work through my own recovery, a process that I believe will be lifelong.  Not because I don't believe God won't heal me, but because I trust Him more than myself to guide me through this life.  All that to say, by studying the creation of man and the fall of man I learned that God painted a picture for us of true love and commitment, as well as the first illustration of His grace.  After reading through the mistakes and weaknesses of Eve, I realize that I too fit those listed.

• Disobedient to God's plan revealed to her... check
• Not taking responsibility for her own sin... check
• Made excuses, rather than admitting the truth... check
• Her actions brought sin into the world... my actions may cause others to sin :(

So how in this world is God reinventing Eve?  I cannot speak for other women, but for me it looks like committing myself to a community of other single women, those that I can and agree to be transparent, vulnerable, and honest with regarding ALL areas of my life.  It also looks like me being honest with myself and another group of women I've committed to through a 12-step recovery program known as ReGeneration.  ReGeneration is "recovery in Christ when life is broken"... and boy how life is broken this side of Heaven.  Sunday afternoons are reserved for time with my Community Group, time spent with 5 other remarkable, God-fearing women who walk out their lives humbly, honestly, and selflessly.  Every Sunday from 2:30-4:30, the 6 of us meet as we learn how to reinvent Eve, to reinvent our lives through God's guidance, love, and grace.  We meet together because we know where any one of us stands alone it is that much more difficult to walk out what God is calling us to, what God asks of us.  On Monday evenings from 6:30-8:30 I confess to 10 other women my sin struggles and reveal what God is showing me through my own recovery process.  I learn from them truth, grace, love, and understanding of how to truly walk in recovery and humility.

Lessons learned from reading and studying God's word in the first few chapters of Genesis include, realizing a good marriage requires love and commitment, even in the midst of tough times.  When relationships accept God's grace and forgiveness, then they will persevere through life's difficulties.  The more complacent we become we breed ground for temptation and become less aware of Satan's schemes against us.  

I am weak, I am a sinner, I am prideful and selfish.  I struggle with admitting that I struggle with self-righteousness and believing that by following rules of this world or of my own decision then I am better than those who do not.  I see what Satan wants me to see daily, the ugliness of my sin.  However, I strive to see more than that and trust in the beauty that God created me with and intends for my life to exude.  My hope in reinventing Eve is that God will use what He is teaching me about myself to minister and to love others.  Not that I would be prideful or self-righteous in my own recovery, but that I would readily admit I am not perfect and it is only by God's grace that I may learn from my own mistakes and sin and turn away from them.  

I humbly pray to see a world where women come together to reinvent Eve the way God fully intended her to be, not the way the world portrays her to be or to have become.  I hope and I pray that Godly men would come forward and selflessly reinvent Adam.  The fall of man is how we got where we are today, but that doesn't mean we have to stay there.  God can and will equip each of us to humbly walk in the way He designs us to, if we would only trust His plan and His grace for our lives.

"Then God said, 'Let us make human beings in our image, to be like ourselves.  They will reign over the fish in the sea, the birds in the sky, the livestock, all the wild animals on the earth, and the small animals that scurry along the ground.' So God created human beings in his own image.  In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them." - Genesis 1:26-27 (NLT)

Dear God...Is there Kindergarten in Heaven?

The world was still for a while, I had a moment of peace and quiet and my eyes were fixated on a picture of you.  You were only 3 weeks old when the picture was taken, and being unsure of how it might turn out or how you might react to the camera, your momma took a chance anyway.  Thank God she did, because out of that we got this...

My sweet little nephew...it's hard to believe it's been 6 years since you came into this world.  This year would have been another milestone for you, starting school.  I sometimes wonder what you'd be like had we gotten the chance to have you here with us on earth.  I know God had another plan, a bigger plan, one beyond more than I could ever possibly try to imagine...but it still hurts sometimes.  So I gotta ask, is there kindergarten in Heaven?  How do you learn your letters and numbers?  Again, I'm sure God's got it all covered ;-)

I'm beyond blessed to be called your aunt and while I wish things would've turned out differently, while I wish we had more time with you here on earth, I have to believe that God has an amazing plan. He always does and I've already seen it unfold a bit.  I see the life and love in your big sister and little brothers that we were privileged enough to see in you, even if only for 5 months.  I see the grace and mercy that abounds through your Mama and Daddy as they are given opportunities to minister and support other families that have lost a child to the very thing we lost you to.  God's ways are much higher than ours, so who am I to argue with the one who created all things and knows all things.  

As another birthday passes all I can simply do is remember you, the baby boy I had the honor and privilege of holding, loving on, and praying for.  Your life plays a significant part in my life and my story.  Praise God that He used such a sweet and small little boy to teach a silly, sometimes OCD, and busy bodied young woman like me.  I'm forever grateful for that!

I love you William Thomas Jr., you are my sweet little prince laughing and running and enjoying the eternal life that God has designed for you.

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain.  All these things are gone forever." ~ Revelation 21:4 (NLT)

We keep singing, "Hallelujah"

"Whatever's in front of me help me to sing hallelujah"

- Bethany Dillon, Hallelujah

As we come to the end of another summer I'm realizing that the theme for this year, 2013 is to sing "Hallelujah" no matter what comes.  That in all things to truly give thanks for it is in everything that God is working and His hand never lets go of us.  With the tremendous blessings that have come over the summer months, just as many (if not more) obstacles have come as well.  And with those obstacles have come the opportunity for me to throw up my hands, to say "forget it, I'm done," and walk away from all that I truly believe in.  But then again, don't we always have that "out?"  Praise God for that still small voice that lead me to open my Bible and guided my heart into the story of Job.  A man who lost everything and by everything I mean EVERYTHING.  But yet in the midst of all the loss this is what the man who loved the Lord and believed there was good in it said,

"But as for me, I know that my Redeemer lives, and he will stand upon the earth at last.  And after my body has decayed, yet in my body I will see God!  I will see him for myself.  Yes, I will see him with my own eyes.  I am overwhelmed at the thought!" ~ Job 19:25-27

So, if Job can handle losing everything and still give praise to God, can't I continue to sing "hallelujah" in the midst of the transitions and challenges of this summer.  I haven't lost anything, in fact I've gained much.  In the stillness of this world, when I force myself to stop and rest is when I see that God simply loves me.  He is jealous for me, for all of His children, and I truly believe that even at the slightest hint of taking our eyes off of Him and placing it onto the things of this world is when challenges come.  So often we are quick to become angry with God and filled with questions of "why me?" or "why now? what did I do wrong?" when in actuality the purpose behind it all is to trust more deeply in the one who loves us more than we could ever comprehend.  When life stops making sense to us isn't that when we should trust more so in the one who has it all under control?  Why does it seem that we believe we can control any and every situation when it doesn't make sense?  After all it is God and God alone who is sufficient enough with the ambiguities of life and we can trust in Him.

Love Walked In

"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.  He was with God in the beginning.  Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made.  In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind.  The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it."

~ John 1:1-5

"And it's the greatest story ever told, that when it looked like there was no

more hope.  Love walked in through the door, face to face

with brokenness said, 'it's still worth dying for.'

Met the world with a kiss, walls fell down, When love walked in."

~ Love Walked In, Mark Schultz, 2012

So many stories I hear each day as a therapist.  Stories of brokenness and hopelessness.  One of these days, the dream I had long before I realized God was directing my steps towards becoming a counselor, will become a reality.  Until then I think of the all the little things that occur each day where I can see that "love walked in."  The times throughout my day or the day of a client where I can truly see God's hand.  While I know He is always with us and His hand is upon us, it's in those moments when I reflect back on my day or week and realize God had me the whole time...I can see it now.

One of the biggest struggles I'm seeing with my clients right now is such tall walls and an inability to trust others.  It breaks my heart because I see so much of my past reflecting back at me through their struggles.  I want to scream and shout that it gets better, that when all is said and done the one person most affected by the walls and inability to trust is the person putting the wall up and choosing not to trust.  I cannot explain in enough words that people who break trust have struggles all their own and their choices have nothing to do with the person they betrayed.  While I am fully aware that does not make trusting others easy and an automatic, "okay, what the heck, let's jump right on in to the deep end without knowing how to swim" kind of a response, I also know life is about taking risks and learning lessons.   There is no owners manual to the game of life (unless of course you are indeed playing the board game, "Life").  The best I can do as a counselor is trust that somewhere along the way what I share, how I push my clients to think beyond their circumstances, it will all sink in.  Or maybe I'm not the wisest person they ever talk to in their life and someone else is the one that pushes them to that "Ah Ha" moment.  I love what my co-worker reminds me almost daily..."we're planting seeds."  It's a good way to look at it and takes a tremendous amount of pressure off, sometimes.

The reason I really sat down to write tonight was that I felt disconnected from the very thing I love to do...talk to others.  I came home so incredibly sick today from a migraine and while I was forced to rest, because I could barely move to do anything else, I started thinking about my "love walked in" moments (as I like to call them).  You see there are a number of "moments" where I have no doubt that God walked in, He truly pulled me out of darkness and saved me.  One thing that I'm incredibly vocal about and blessed to be saved from is Anorexia Nervosa.  I see so much shame, guilt, and imprisonment amongst women who suffer from this disorder.  I see so much ignorance and insensitivity from those who struggle to educate themselves about it.  Don't get me wrong, there are a number of things I have failed to educate myself on so I can clearly identify my own sensitivity to people not understanding the disease of Anorexia, or any other eating disorder for that matter.  I know that I'm too close to it to allow myself to become too heated about it.  

My other significant "love walked in" moment is that of losing my nephew, Billy Jr., to SIDS at 5 months old.  While God has done a tremendous healing in my heart, I cannot help but look back on that season of life with such gratitude that despite my anger, God never let go of my heart.  In fact, He loved me so much that as I allowed Him to heal my heart what I got was one that beats stronger and has learned to love that much more greatly.  With my "love walked in" moments I have room to love deeply those who suffer from a disease that comes with such shame and guilt, as well as those who have faced the unexplainable loss of a child.  I'm no expert, but as I continue to trust God and His love for me, I hope and pray that love is reflected off me and onto others.

"We love because he first loved us."

~ 1 John 4:19

Dreaming With An Open Heart, An Open Hand

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."

~ Ephesians 3:20-21

Have I told you that I'm a big dreamer?  I feel that it's a consistent theme throughout my postings, but if you're new to reading my blog, then you wouldn't necessarily know that yet.  I am, I love to dream.  I dream of my future, I dream of what my career will turn into over time, I dream of being a wife and a mom.  I wonder sometimes what it'll be like when I meet Jesus, what he'll say, what he'll look like.  Unfortunately my dreams lately have been a bit road blocked.  I've allowed myself to get caught up in the busyness of life and I fail to slow down long enough to do that in which I love...dream.  For some this may seem like a waste of time, building up something in one's mind that may not necessarily come true.  But you see, I have a big God... I mean A BIG GOD!  And He longs to see the deepest desires of my heart fulfilled.  Does it all match with His will for my life? Not always, but I've seen over time that when it doesn't there is so much relief in knowing that His ways are higher, His plan is better than any I could ever create in my wildest dreams.  God has blessed my dreaming heart more than I ever thought was possible.

The thing with dreaming though, is remembering to keep an open heart and an open hand.  That not every dream I dream will come to pass, and some will not come in the way that I thought or imagined.  Back in January of this year I had become discouraged and thought that I could control things and make things happen my own way, but what I found was a very broken heart and the realization that I was not trusting God with the deepest dream I think I've ever had.  So in early February I humbled myself, I went before God and friends closest to me.  I went before them broken and beautiful, revealing a long kept secret sin and as a result, God has revealed more truth and love than I could ever imagine possible.  It was in those early days of February that I truly laid down my deepest desire and dreams.  I chose to fully trust Him with a place in my heart that I for so long refused God to have control of.  Then early May came, my heart was healing, trusting and ready to take a leap of faith.  I knew that as I took this leap of faith I couldn't do it by my own will/power, but rather it had to be different.  If I am going to continue to dream, I'm going to continue to do so with the blessing of the Lord.  I am going to do so with an open heart and an open hand that He may change my dreams, or bring them to life more vividly than I could ever hope or imagine.  What I've seen is words come to life that only God has heard me cry out.  The longings of my heart so deep down that I kept it only between me and God is slowly coming to life.  Do I still get scared sometimes that the enemy is trying to trick me?  Yes, I do, but in those moments I remember to take it to the Lord daily.  To trust what He says is true and I'm gently reminded that fear is not from Him.  I chose to believe what I hoped for at the end of 2012.  I believe that 2013 is a year that will sweep me off my feet and take me by complete surprise.  Nearly 6 1/2 months in I'd be lying if I said it hasn't.

God is good, so much better than I think I've ever realized years prior to this year.  I don't know what God is up to, I don't know why so many times I believe that my way is better than His.  For it is when I fully trust Him and follow Him that I realize how powerful His love is for me.  Thank God for a dreaming heart!  Thank God that He does not allow me to fall into the cynicism of this world, that He's taken a broken/cold heart like mine and turned it into something loving, encouraged, and hopeful.

"For the spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love, and self-discipline." ~ 2 Timothy 1:7 (NIV)