To Feel

To feel is so much more than what we can touch, but it incorporates the deepest part of our hearts, our emotions. I had a bit of a surprise evening tonight. I had all these great plans to enjoy a few of my favorite things, from a warm bubble bath to dinner from my favorite restaurant and a couple of fun/feel good movies. It didn't turn out exactly the way I would have planned, but it wasn't bad. It started with a tremendous headache that was lingering throughout the day and got progressively worse in the last 30 minutes of my work day. So I rested for a while when I got home and then proceeded to press through because I was not going to miss out on a movie night that I'm sure I won't enjoy again for a while. And of course I didn't make it to my favorite restaurant because my head hurt so badly, but I enjoyed a scrumptious steak from another place closer to home. The first movie was great, wonderful, fun, and uplifting (0ddly enough, despite the setting)... and then there was the second movie...

I rented "Across the Universe" (first movie) and "Love Happens" (second movie). "Love Happens" wasn't bad, but as a friend I have to forewarn you... if you've lost a loved one recently, especially unexpectedly or tragecially then I do not recommend watching this movie unless you're willing to let the grief floodgates open. It was not what I was expecting, and I'm not one to walk away from a movie. I realize I could have or maybe should have, but I have this thing about missing out on something deeper, a "message" so to speak. You see, I'm one of those people that truly believes God speaks to us at any time, in any moment, through any outlet... including secular movies and music. Maybe it's just me, but I know God has spoken to me, has taught me lessons, and has moved in my heart despite the junk and unreality of it all (movies & music that is).

I'm much further in the grieving process than I was nearly two years ago when my nephew died, but I'm not gonna lie and say I'm "fixed" or I've made it through to the other side fully. I don't know when that will be or what it will look like, but I do know God is still doing a mighty work in this heart and therefore as long as the tears come up I will cry them. I will cry for my nephew, all the while knowing he is in a better place. I realize I'm not crying for him, but rather crying for those of us left behind. I don't say that to have a pity party or to have anyone feel sorry for me. I say that because I think it is so important in any stage of grief (no matter how far along you are) to be honest with yourself, with God, and with others. So friends... tonight, this is where I am. I realize joy comes with the morning and I'll feel that tomorrow. There's no shame in grief, only grace.

P.S. If you know of someone who has lost a loved one recently or suddenly I would recommend you watch "Love Happens"... I think it serves as a tool to better understand where the grieving person is coming from and for a season where they are "at." But don't call me to watch it with you, not sure you'll like what you see from me ; )