Silenced

This little light of mine... I'm gonna let it shine

This little light of mine... I'm gonna let it shine

Let it shine

Let it shine

Oh how I wish I was living the above song lyrics.  My desire is to live a life that is honoring to God and exudes compassion, love, trust, goodwill... etc.  However, right now, my flesh says my heart can't do that right now.  And maybe there's some truth to that, maybe there comes seasons in our lives where our hearts are best left to ourselves and God... that no man can come in and break what the Lord is trying so desperately to repair/build up.

What got me thinking this was not recent life occurrences, but rather a comment from a stranger at church this past Sunday.  The Bible says to make a joyful noise unto the Lord... not necessarily an "in tune" one or a "right on pitch" one.  When I came to accept this verse many years ago, I stopped wondering who was listening around me... I didn't care, I was there to worship the Lord, not perform.  I've loved to sing since I can remember... I was constantly making joyful noises around my house growing up.  In fact, when I was real sick my parents noticed that the music had stopped, the singing and dancing had all stopped... they knew something was wrong with their daughter.  When I picked it up again in college, I never looked back.  I found the courage, not once, but twice to try out for the worship team at the church I was attending at the time... rejection found it's way to me both times.  I was crushed, I had been complimented on my singing voice and although I've never had voice lessons I thought that maybe I could pull it off and be on stage :)  I think that maybe God knew where my heart was in all of it and that's why I came to find a peace sitting in the crowd each Sunday, passionately singing to Him and being a part of His grand choir.  I've never looked back, I've never thought about who might be able to hear me or how I sounded or if they too thought I had a good voice.  In fact, when someone does compliment me I tend to blush and give a sheepish "thanks."  I don't know why, but I suddenly can't find the words to express gratitude when compliments are given to me.

What is the point of my "I like to sing and think I do it well" tangent?  Well, this last Sunday a stranger during meet and greet time told me he thought I had a beautiful voice and he proceeded to tell me it was a gift.  No one has ever said that to me... at least about the gift part.  I was completely caught off guard.  God used a random stranger to encourage me in an area that I honestly don't even pay that much attention to, much less believe that it is a gift.  I sing because I love it, not to be heard... and it's been a long time since I've done it.  I realized I've silenced myself over the last year and not really realizing it.  On occasion I would sing or have music on in my house or car, but not nearly as much as I have the last 6 weeks.  God is breaking me down simply to build me anew.... He is taking that which was never mine, revealing Himself in a mighty way (in unexpected ways), and renewing my heart and passion for that which I've lost sight of.

I will no longer allow myself to be silenced.  Will I try out for a worship team a third time?  No, probably not.... I kinda like just being in the crowd and singing a joyful noise unto the Lord.  After all, it's meant for Him is it not?