Rushing River God (aka kayaking)

Rolling River God
Little stones are smooth
Only once the water passes through
So I am a stone
rough and grainy still
Trying to reconcile this river's chill


I went on an adventure this morning, or at least that's what it ended up being.  I decided in the last few weeks that there were things that I've been wanting to do, things that I kept putting off and reasoning that one day, someday I would do them.  As silly as it sounds, kayaking at White Rock was one of those things.  I had it on my list to do all summer since I now live by the lake.  With the long labor day weekend I decided that today was a good day to finally embark on the adventure.  It was finally going to be cooler in the morning and I so wanted to go out there and be alone with God, to pray and seek His face with all the questions stirring in my heart.  Fifteen minutes into my paddling and the wind picked up so I decided to turn back.  I knew right away when I turned around that it would be a battle against the wind.  Oh how much of a battle it was.  At first it seemed humorous, like I knew God was trying to teach me something.  After 30 minutes of paddling against the wind, against the current I was in tears.  Scared that I would be out there all day, no one was around.  The only people I could see were runners and bikers along the trails and I knew they wouldn't hear me, I was too far in the middle of the lake.  I cried more and more and prayed with all my heart that God would calm the wind, that He would somehow miraculously send help.  A boater, someone in a canoe or kayak...heck, I was even hoping someone from the shore would see my struggle and find help.  With each force that I put into paddling against the wind, it blew me that much further away from my destination.

Sometimes raging wild
sometimes swollen high
never have I known this river dry
The deepest part of you
is where I want to stay
and feel the sharpest edges wash away


I found myself paddling toward the shore, I figured if I could get out of the water, I could walk back to the beginning.  Part of me was scared that I was stranded for who knows how long and the other part of me was scared that the company I rented from would charge me more than an hour since I was out longer than the planned time.  It seems silly, but this was what was going through my head this whole time.  I finally made it to the shore and there was a fisherman kind enough to drive me back to where I started.  He saw me struggling as I got closer to the shore, help came in a very unexpected way today.  It wasn't by another boater coming by and finding me, it wasn't by helicopter or the rental company coming out to get me...it was by a fisherman who served in the army for 10 years and now works as a Sears washer/dryer mechanic, it came in the form of a man named Jeff.  On top of that when I got back to the rental company they were so kind and only charged me for the original hour I set.  I had been out for a total of one and a half hours, but it seemed like eternity.  Their only concern was that I was okay...and I was, I am, I will be.

This morning I set out for a peaceful morning with God, and it started out that way and ultimately proved to remind me that things don't always feel peaceful.  It's the ability to find peace in the midst of chaos, confusion, and questions that may never be answered.  It's finding a source...THE source of love and comfort in Christ Jesus.  There is nothing else, no person, no thing, no place that will fill the gapping hole in my heart that only God can fill.

But when I close my eyes
and feel you rushing by
I know that time brings change 
and change takes time
And when the sunset comes
my prayer would be just this one
that you might pick me up
and notice that I am
just a little smoother in your hand*


*River God by Nichole Nordeman

Currently Loving...August 2011 Version

I haven't done this in a very long time, but it always seems to remind me of the unique design that God had when He created me.

....His songs of worship over me
....early morning runs in the darkness and stillness of the new day
....knowledge of a new career
....anxiety of change/transition
....sitting in the presence of my Savior daily (multiple times)
....dancing around like a fool in the living room of my apartment
....singing at the top of my lungs in my 1999 Corolla I affectionally call "Captain"
....the role of Aunt Cristyn to 9 wonderful nieces/nephews...8 here on earth, 1 in Heaven
....the role of encourager, to strangers, friends, co-workers, family, church community
....being encouraged in a season of so much unsettledness
....that your flesh may feel lonely, but you are never alone
....the challenge of a half marathon only 14 weeks away
....the joy of entering a new decade of life in a few months
....the continued dream of a helpmate and family of my own
....laughter, at myself, over something super silly
....remembering that I'm animated and expressive and I have a peace about that
....writing once again
....renewed hope for a passion that has been growing since the age of 14
....the excitement and nervousness of the unknown
....learning who He truly is and how to place all my trust and hope in HIM

Sufficiency

"Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our sufficiency comes from God" ~ 2 Corinthians 3:5


It's interesting the flood of memories that come rushing to my mind when I read this verse.  You see, when I was an undergrad at SMU I was a part of an amazing group of godly women.  We were a Christian sorority, fully on fire for God.  Passionately loving and pursuing Him and walking life with one another.  I read the first word of this verse now and immediately I can recite the rest of it without blinking an eye.  I remember all the times we'd recite it as a group at the end of a Monday night meeting.  I sure do miss those days and often times wonder why I didn't invest more of myself into it.

It's interesting how appropriate this verse is right now in this season of life.  My heart is broken over a relationship and like I've done in the past when a relationship ends, I throw myself into whatever else is going on around me or in my life.  Whether it be work, family, friends, writing, sleeping, exercising, learning to cook...and the list goes on and on.  I somehow convince myself that if I can be content in doing all these things on my own strength then I'll be just fine.  And to some degree there is truth and wisdom to this theory, however over the last two and a half weeks I've found that all I really want is to sit in the presence of God.  Worship songs are played louder, and heard in a completely different way.  My extra drive time between jobs is spent processing through what God is telling me about where I've been and where He wants to take me.  I love how He's gently reminding me of the passions I so conveniently tuck away somewhere when someone else comes along.  And this by no means is the fault of the other person, but purely and fully mine.  And you dear reader have the privilege of being the first to hear me admit it.  I allow passions and dreams to die when I believe another might be coming to fruition.  Of course this too has some validity to it, but when it is by my own hand, my own doing...without trusting in God's doing, then it's not healthy.

The truth of the matter is that without God, I am nothing...with Him, I am everything.  And even in those times when I am not everything, He still loves me (and you).

Lessons Learned in a Sea of Tears

"If I'm down don't count me out; I'll slowly get back on my feet; stumblin' and fumblin', but I keep on coming; just as long as you're not giving up on me"*


"Oh, the only thing that matters is to love; This is the only lasting treasure; Love endures all things, and believes all things; and hopes all things; love never ends, love never ends"*


"We knew joy was coming, we just had to wait"*


"Won't you be my voice calling; won't you be my hands healing; won't you be my feet walking into a broken world; won't you be my chain-breaker; won't you be my peacemaker; won't you be my hope and joy; won't be my love"*


The above are all songs that I've heard over and over again in the last week.  They couldn't have come at  a more perfect time.  The reason is irrelevant, but what I will say is that God has been trying to get my attention as he constantly is... but for whatever reason I've finally answered his knock with absolute abandon over the last two weeks.  My eyes had been fixated on the things of this world and that which I truly believed would make me happy and what I convinced myself was in my best interest.  That which I believed without a shadow of a doubt that was God's will.  The truth of it all is that what He is asking of me is to allow grace to flow, that when I stumble and fall I would get back up again and keep running after Him.  To love with abandon and without reservation.  To trust Him, even in the dark, lonely, and/or sad times... joy is coming in the morning.  And most importantly He's asking me to be His shepherd, that I would help guide those lost and lonely back to Him.


My heart breaks at the thought of who I've become sometimes.  The love I fail to show, the grace and mercy I fail to give, the anger and frustration that can so easily entangle me and hold me captive.  Deep in my heart I long to run after God, to dive in blindly and trust that even if life "feels" hard or things don't make sense, it all will in the end.  I gotta believe that at the end of the day God wants me to rest fully in Him and leave all the details in His hands.  To embrace my "shattered dreams" so that the ultimate dream that He is calling me to can be fulfilled.  I hurt right now, deep down the questions I have about my life, the direction I'm going, the unanswered prayers, the false hope, the lies I've believed, the false idols I've placed my trust in... it is all killing me inside.  But alas, there is a tiny little light, a small flicker of hope where God rests and is pushing through the pain to ignite a raging fire throughout my whole being.  With that I gotta believe what He says... love endures all things, believes all things, hopes all things... love NEVER ends... HIS love never ends.  


"I praise you because you made me in an amazing and wonderful way.  What you have done is wonderful.  I know this very well." ~ Psalm 139:14


"You restored me to health and let me live.  Surely it was for my benefit that I suffered such anguish.  In your love you kept me from the pit of destruction;  you have put all my sins behind your back." ~ Isaiah 38:16-17


*Back to You, MercyMe
*All That's Left, Steven Curtis Chapman
*Sing Hallelujah, Steven Curtis Chapman
*Won't You be my Love, MercyMe

You're Invited...

A King and His only son have invited you to come... to sit with them, to share life with them for eternity.  And not just to come, but to come just as you are.   You see this isn't a one time only party, this is a lifetime celebration, one that promises peace and eternal life.  An invite that says to come, even in rags of unworthiness, as the gates will still swing open wide.  To come sinner, just the way you are... to find what your soul has been longing for and with every expectation, great and small... come.

As I walk this life here on earth, I struggle with what I deem "fit" for me and what God says He desires for me.  I still find myself picturing what I believe my life and world to look like, and that may not line up with what God wants.  But in the midst of finding God's way over my way, I find myself on bended knee in my rags of unworthiness as He so patiently and lovingly invites me in... to stay, with Him, forever.

Birthday Cakes in Heaven

Avery, my 5-year-old niece, asked me several months back who made birthday cakes in Heaven...

I told her I wasn't sure and that we'd have to ask God.

What prompted that sweet conversation between she and I was a little tour we took around her old neighborhood in Colorado Springs, CO back in August 2010.  When I showed her the house she lived in with her little brother, Billy, she quickly remembered why she and Mommy and Daddy (my sister and brother-in-law) moved away from Colorado and back to Texas for a little bit... her sweet "baba B" had gone home to Heaven, to be with Jesus.  That day came on March 29, 2008.  Avery, the sweet big sister to not just Billy, but now Nathan (age 2) and Jared (age 6 months) is wise beyond her 5 years and has such the sweet spirit.  She'll tell you stories of her little brother Billy, and how he is now in Heaven with Jesus and that someday, she too will get to be with her brother and Jesus in Heaven.  We (my sister and I) refer to her as our little prayer warrior...always quick to offer a prayer for someone else in need.

I still wonder how different things would have been had Billy lived.  This much I know, he'd be 3-years-old...probably a loving (and sometimes annoying) little brother to Avery.  I look at pictures of their sweet family since he passed and I wonder where in the picture he might be.  It might sound a little sad and depressing...but I know this little pumpkin will forever live in our hearts and I can only imagine that even if we can't see him in the picture, he might be somewhere in it anyway...or at least able to see it from Heaven.

Since Billy died, I pay closer attention to how Avery has learned to say my name over the years...how Nathan, Will, and Brock come to know me as their aunt...I hold them all a little longer, spend more time reading stories and laughing with them...mostly because I didn't get enough of that with Billy and so quickly we take for granted that which is right in front of us.  We think that it'll always be there.  But the truth is we are allotted a short visit here on earth and promised eternity in Heaven with the Father, through the promise of His Son.

These are the blessings God has given us here on earth.  Billy will always be a part of that and when God deems fit, we will see Billy again in Heaven...one day.

"Lord, you formed Billy's inward parts; you knitted him 

together in his mother's womb.  He praises you,

for he is fearfully and wonderfully made.

Wonderful are your works; his soul knows it very well."

~ adapted from Psalm 139:13-14

10 Years in the Desert?

I missed a personal milestone the other day.  On Monday, January 10, 2011 I completed 10 years of sobriety from my eating disorder (Anorexia).  You see, on January 10, 2001 I admitted myself to Presbyterian Hospital of Dallas' Psychiatric Unit into their eating disorder program.  I completed 2.5 weeks inpatient and another 2.5 weeks outpatient.  I was diagnosed with tachycardia, an enlarged aorta, and mitral valve prolapse...all of which reversed itself as I got healthier.  I watched as my personal freedoms of walking, talking and visiting with family/friends stripped away as my focus became taking care of me.  Over the last several years some people have wondered why I do not celebrate my discharge date as my sobriety date.  To be honest, I can vividly remember January 10, 2001.  I can tell you what my parents and I did prior to me walking through the double doors onto the psych unit.  I remember hearing that my sister came up to the hospital only to be told she couldn't see me because I was under 72 hour seclusion from the outside world.  I can tell you how I cried for hours, how another patient held my hand while I had my blood drawn and how in the middle of the night God spoke so vividly to my lost and broken heart.  How He showed me what my world would look like if I didn't turn my life around.  On January 10, 2001 God gave me a choice... I chose LIFE!  

So here I am 10 years later, and so much of life has happened... the good, the bad, and the ugly.  All of which I am so grateful to have been able to walk through alongside the Lord.  For He has never left me, even in those darkest days of recovery, even in moments when my heart was broken and handed back to me by man, on those days where I struggled to make sense of unexpected loss, and especially on those days where I struggled through and army crawled my way to the finish line of graduate school.  I now spend a lot of my time preparing for my licensure exam that is a mere 4 weeks away and I cannot wait to see how God is going to use me as a counselor.  I thank Him profusely for those days at Presby and for the months and years that have followed where I am gently reminded that I am a broken soul only redeemed by the love of Christ.  I praise Him for I do not have to walk life alone.

I've seen how God has used this time to draw me closer to Him, and how I've fallen deeper in love with Him than ever before.  I look forward to how the next several years will turn out and look forward to sharing it with the world as He sees fit.  

"I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry." ~ Psalm 40:1