Two BEAUTIFUL Messes

"A friend loves at all times..." ~ Proverbs 17:17

There is this wonderful woman of God I know, and I'm lucky enough to call her my best friend.  Her name is Stacey and she doesn't know this yet, but she is the inspiration for this post.  I sure hope she doesn't mind :)

Stacey is one of those super special treasures, that when you meet and get to know her you cannot help but thank God she was brought into your life.  Stacey and I go back about 6 years, and let me just say I have no question it was God that brought her into my life.   You see, she opted to stick around and invest in my life after I acted like a crazy loon the night we met.  Oh, but that is another story for another day.  I could go on and on singing her praises till I take my last breath here on earth, but her inspiration for this blog comes from a statement she made to me in a conversation earlier today.

Stacey and I have had our fair share of frogs in our lives that did not turn into princes.  We have gone back and forth crying on each other's shoulders.  She's been angry for me when I didn't have it in me and I've been angry for her when she didn't have it in herself.  We are a rockin' team!  The thing that Stacey said that got me into blog worthy processing mode was her question of "Why am I the girl who prepares a guy for marriage to someone else?"  Oh sweet friend, how I believe so many girls have asked this question out loud as well.  My response to my sweet best friend... I told her that God didn't want her to settle, that the reason why it hasn't worked out yet for her is that God has someone more amazing than she could ever imagine for her.  I suddenly realized I was preaching to the choir.  I too have been the girl that prepares the guy for someone else, and that is a heart breaking place to be.  But I have to remember and I have to remind Stacey that there is that possibility that some other girls have had the job of preparing our husbands for us.  Praise the Lord for those women and Praise God that He has protected our hearts and lives from something that could have been potentially harmful or hurtful years down the road.

I love the wisdom and the sudden realizations that are coming to light in my thirties.  I'm even more grateful that I've got my beautiful friend to walk out each and every one of these seasons with me.  Stacey and I are what I would call a "Beautiful Mess."  We are learning who we are, we are trusting God in what He's calling us to do with our lives, and we are tripping all over the place trying to fit the pieces of it all together.  We are not perfect, but I think that's why we laugh so very much!  

Cheers to you my gorgeous BEST FRIEND!!! I cannot wait to see what God has in store for us as the years go by.  You are loved! 

XOXO!!

Words...

"Anxiety weighs down the heart, but a kind word cheers it up." ~ Proverbs 12:25


"Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing." 
~ 1 Thessalonians 5:11


"But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called 'Today,' so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness." ~ Hebrews 3:13


I don't know why, but lately words have become more vibrant to me, more alive.  Not just the things I hear, but the things I say... especially the things I say.  Maybe it's my job, but I'm more inclined to say it has more to do with the tug God has on my heart.  Words of encouragement has always and probably always will be my number one love language.  Wanna know the way to this girl's heart, well then encourage her!  But like I said, more than the words I hear lately, the things that I hear more vividly, more clearly are those things I say.  My heart breaks sometimes when I hear some of the things I say, the things I say out of my flesh and not out of the Holy Spirit.  Do I trust God enough to speak through me?  Sometimes, but a lot of times I don't... or at least I haven't.  Someone close to my heart was the first to really point this out to me, and not just let it slide as my "personality" as I've always claimed.  I thank God that person was a part of my life, even for a short while.  No one had ever referred to me as edgy or sharp before, but then this person came along and opened my eyes to see a whole other part of myself.  Maybe that was the only purpose for this person in my life.

Don't get me wrong, there is a time and a place for playful words, but I needed to start looking at my heart and checking how much of the words coming from my mouth were playful or harmful versus helpful, encouraging, uplifting.  My heart breaks when I hear others cut me down, even if just in fun.  I do not want to be that person who is hard hearted or unloving.  I also don't want to be that person who is constantly trying too hard to get others to like them or please them.  I want to be exactly who God intended me to be and being an example of His love.  I foresee this being a life long lesson for me, but my hope is that others will start to see a change in me.  A sudden softness that glows and exudes the life of Christ.  I pray that His Word would come alive in my heart so that I can come alive to others.

And the Greatest of These is Love: A Berlin Story

"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." (1 Corinthians 13:13 NIV)

"But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love." (1 Corinthians 13:13 MSG)

I have just spent the last week in a country I had no idea I would fall in love with, after all, I was only coming for vacation. I planned an adventure to a land unknown (or briefly known based on history classes in school) for the wedding of very dear friends. I had the time of my life that no amount of words in a blog could ever express. But for those of you who only know me by the words that I write, I will try to give the story justice. And please be patient as I write this from my phone and in the delirium of my exhaustion from this wonderful trip.

A lot of love, patience, hope, faith, and trust over the years have gone into what lead me to Berlin, Germany this past week. The wedding in which I attended I have known the bride for 7 years, the groom almost 3. I watched as a love & courtship unfolded internationally over the last 3 years. What a beautiful story in patience, love, trust, and grace. Not just towards one another, but with the Lord as well.

I spent the last week not only helping the bride & groom prepare for their ceremony & party, but learning a whole new level of trust in the Lord. How to love others better, to laugh more, and to fully be the person He had called & created me to be. It was quite sweet and surreal as I laid my head down to sleep on my last night in Germany. In that moment I realized that I had spent a whole week just being me. No charade, no trying too hard to impress others, but truly finding comfort in who I am. I pray this is a forever change. I by no means have arrived, but in my pursuit of contentment in whatever season I am in, I am getting closer. Praise the Lord...oh my soul!

Until I...

"This vision is for a future time.  It describes the end, and it will be fulfilled.  If it seems slow in coming, wait patiently, for it will surely take place.  It will not be delayed." ~ Habakkuk 2:3 (NLT)


It seems fitting that this verse is today's scripture to add to my 2012 collection of scripture cards.  It fits perfectly right where I'm at.  God has given me a vision... multiple visions actually, but with each vision comes a specific time.  Do I know that time frame, do I know at exactly what day, time, or hour the vision will come to fruition?  No, I don't.  And I'm realizing that there's so much freedom and excitement in not knowing what, when, where, or how.  It's just been in the last month and really in the last couple of weeks that I've stumbled upon this peace.  In fact I had the privilege of sharing this with a dear friend today, telling her that in the midst of all I've seen and been surrounded by over the last year, and more specifically over the last 8 (almost 9 months) I realize I am incredibly blessed.  God chose me that I may still be single at the wonderful age of 30!! That I may have the joy and privilege of cultivating relationships, meeting new people, and watching as God is using those He's brought into my life to sharpen me and push me closer to Him.  And unfortunately for some of those He's brought across my life path, they may never know the impact they've had on my life.

There is a hope and dream deep within my heart that desires to share my life with another, to have the joy and experience of brining life into this world and following God's will that my future husband and I may be able to raise our kids as children on fire for God, that they'd always know His love and that He indeed has an amazing plan for their lives.  But with that said, I don't want it to be an idol, that I make it my goal in life and miss out completely on all God has for me right here... right now!

Remember those scripture cards I mentioned earlier... it has been a tough resolution to maintain, but here is a glimpse of January 1, 2012 thru today (April 23, 2012)...

Each of those cards is digging me deeper into God's word, and each has a corresponding prayer on the back side, that I may truly live out God's plan for my life and walk out His promises for me within His word.  In addition to the cards, there's one of my greatest joys and passions... singing and right now worship music is on continuous repeat in my car, on my iTunes, in my head.  I leave you tonight with the parts of the song on repeat as we speak...

Yeah, let me fall down at Your feet
Feel Your presence all around me
Don't let go until I am closer
Closer than I've ever been

Until I find myself in all Your glory
Until I'm weak enough to seek Your strength
Until I know that I am held by mercy
Until I am closer, closer than I've ever been

So break this heart of mine if it means
That I'm letting go by holding on to You

~ Mark Schultz, Closer Than I've Ever Been (2011)

Stop This Train... I Wanna Get Off!

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." ~ Proverbs 3:5-6

It is 19 days into my Make Me Over month and it has not been as I expected... imagine that ;)  It actually started off with a couple of punches to the heart, but as the days have gone on, as the processing continues I find that I'm much stronger than I give myself credit for and I've been pleasantly surprised by the twists and turns that have occurred with "going with the flow."  In fact, my deactivation of Facebook as part of this deal in April has been such a relief that I'm considering carrying that over into May.  We'll see, I'll have a better idea when I get back from Germany on the 6th :)

That's my quick little update for you on how it's going, in case you were wondering.  But the reason for this blog entry is simply the power behind music.  Random, I know, but welcome to my world.  I'm a huge music person, and it's not so much about the music as it is words of the music.  For instance, here are a few song lyrics that have been on repeat in my head over the last 2 1/2 weeks.

"But you went away, how dare you, I miss you.  They say I'll be okay, but I'm not going to, ever get over you." ~ Miranda Lambert, Over You


"He said turn 68, you'll renegotiate, don't stop this train.  Don't for a minute change the place you're in.  Don't think I couldn't ever understand, I tried my hand." ~ John Mayer, Stop this Train


"Like no one would even notice, if you left this town, and never looked back.  You walk outside and all you see is rain, you look inside and all you feel is pain.  You don't know it yet, but down the road the sun is shining, In every cloud there's a silver lining.  Just keep holding on.  And every heartache makes you stronger, but it won't be much longer.  You'll find love, you'll find peace, and the you you're meant to be. I know right now that's not the way you feel, but one day you will."  ~ Someday You Will, Lady Antebellum


Take what you will from what you read, but I think you'd be surprised the work these songs have done on my heart.  In spite of the fact they are all secular songs.  That last one was inspired by an unexpected conversation I had with an old and dear friend this past weekend.  In trying to explain the recent happenings in life, it became very clear that we don't always understand in the moment why things happen and on some occasions we never understand... we just endure and move on.  And unfortunately in the search for answers all we find sometimes are more questions.

I'm loving this season of separation, of revelation, of falling in love, and everything in between.  Which I guess contradicts my title, eh?  I'd be lying if I said I wasn't frustrated, scared, confused, and a little heartbroken over this season, but it has been in the midst of all that I've found a deeper calling, a deeper reason for why I'm here.  In fact it has nothing to do with me, and the further I get into this season, the further I get from my selfish self :)  I don't know what God is up to in this season, but I'm sure glad He brought me here... Praise God for the desert!

"'You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.  I will be found by you,' declares the Lord, 'and will bring you back from captivity.  I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,' declares the Lord, 'and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.'"  ~ Jeremiah 29:13-14

Make Me Over April

"I've been silent instead of speaking up, Gave my advice instead of giving love

I have been unfair, faithless, and unkind, I have shut my eyes just so I would stay blind

It's not what I meant to do, 'cause I want to honor you"*

In the last week of March I hit a spiritual and emotional wall.  I found myself up against a corner, no where to turn, all I could do was look up.  I looked up in the hopes of finally being able to surrender that which I had no control and seek God fully.  I often times find myself hitting walls such as these, but that week in March was pretty bad.  I was exhausted, emotional, and had no desire to "pull myself together."  I put that last part in quotes because I seem to be an expert at pulling myself together, sucking it up, moving on, and forgetting that just as much as my patients, I too need self care.  If there were a support group for people who are notorious for lack of self care, I would be the first to introduce myself... every time.  

"Hi, my name is Cristyn and I struggle to allow me to take care of myself!"

For whatever reason, I seem to think that if I care for myself that means I'm being selfish.  I fail to fully understand what Jesus said in Matthew 22:39: "And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself'"  Oh how I laugh to myself when I think of that verse, not because it's funny, but because I always think of what my dear friend's fiance (soon to be husband) says to her about it.  He has reminded my dear (and very giving) friend that the verse says to "love your neighbor as yourself, not better than yourself" (Shout out Reiner & Paula).  I love that he has told her that and that she in turn has relayed that to me.  It's so true, how in the world can I or anyone else love a someone else as ourself when we are not loving ourselves?

The point I'm getting at dear readers is that this month, this glorious and beautiful month of April is what I call my "Make Me Over" month.  At the end of last week I bought not one, but two Groupons!  That's right, crazy, zany me bought something for myself!!! I bought a month of unlimited Yoga and a couple trips to a sauna.  I've never been to a sauna, should be a fun, little "relaxing" experience.  I'm really excited!!  In addition to that, I cut myself off from social media, or at least that which I'm a part of (Facebook and Pinterest).  It's so easy when there is an App for each on my phone and my phone very rarely leaves my side.  So, knowing I never get on Pinterest on my home computer it made it easy to delete from my phone, and then I just deactivated my FB for the month of April.  I guess if you are one of my readers, and a friend on FB you now know that I have not singled you out and deleted you, but rather I deleted myself.  It's only been 4 days, but let me just say there has been freedom already, plus lots of extra time to spend seeking God and taking care of me.  PLUS, at the end of this month you will find me treating myself to a lovely vaca in Berlin, Germany for one whole week... attending the glorious wedding of aforementioned friend (the one regarding the Bible verse).  

It sounds so weird to say that I'm taking care of myself.  In the past I've just ignored myself, pushed through to the point of getting sick at times.  I'm also guilty of allowing others to take care of me so that I don't have to worry about it (one less thing on my To-Do list, I say).  It's a crazy web we weave inside our heads when we make excuses for taking care of everything and everyone else other than ourselves. We live in a world that says "GIVE, GIVE, GIVE" sometimes and although I'm not an advocate for "TAKE, TAKE, TAKE" all the time, I am a big fan of Give and Take.  

I challenge you friends, spend this month or a month sometime in the near future taking care of yourself, making yourself more of a priority (if that's what you struggle with) and see what happens.  Pamper yourself!  Girls, go out with your girlfriends for manicures and/or pedicures, or a spa day.  Guys, go out with your dude friends to a sporting event, or a rousing game of Top Golf (is that even a game?).  Whatever you do, do it for you, and be sure to tell me all about it later! ;-)

Just know that as long as God is moving in me and speaking to my heart, you'll find out about it here on Blogger... most of the time.

Blessings,

C

"Make me over, make me new, Make me a mirror, a reflection of you

Take me all apart, take me to your heart and pull me closer, sweet Savior, make me over

I am only made of your imagining, I'm dust and clay on the wind

Wash me in the river of your sacrifice, Until I'm changed, purified"*

*Make Me Over by Natalie Grant

Four Years...

"Then I saw 'a new heaven and a new earth,' for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea.  I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband.  And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, 'Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God.  He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.'”

"He who was seated on the throne said, 'I am making everything new!' Then he said, 'Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.'

He said to me: 'It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To the thirsty I will give water without cost from the spring of the water of life.'" ~ Revelation 21:1-6

My Sweet Billy,

It has been four years since you went home to Jesus.  Four years since I read that scripture from Revelation at your Memorial Service, man how I wish I never would have had that experience.  At the same time, I was most honored to stand up and read from God's word in remembrance of your sweet life.  Some days it seems like quite a bit of time since I last saw and held you and then other days it seems like it was just yesterday that you were here.  So much has happened in 4 years.  I finished grad school, your Mommy and Daddy brought two more boys into this world, and have returned to Colorado Springs.  Your big sister, Avery is a kindergartner. I know you would've loved the stories she shares about school, her teacher, and classmates.  I see so much of her in you when I look at your picture.  I even see some of your little brothers, Nathan and Jared.  God has been so good to send us little reminders of you here on earth through the love and expressions of your siblings.  It doesn't make me miss you any less, but it does remind me that you are safe in the arms of Jesus and that now I'm four years closer to seeing you in Heaven some day.  

You are loved sweet boy and remembered with great joy.  Sometimes I look at the pictures your Mommy sends me of your siblings and I imagine where you might be standing in the picture, what you might look like, and although it sounds crazy to some it helps me to never forget you and the precious family you were a part of here on earth.  You will always be my nephew, you will always be your mommy and daddy's first boy, Avery's first little brother, and big brother to Nathan and Jared.  I look forward to the day that Nathan and Jared ask more questions and understand more about where you are.  One thing I wish I had an answer for is why.  But we trust God in His plans and in His time.  Maybe He just needed you more with Him than He believed we needed you here with us.  

I miss you and I love you.  Thank you for giving me the honor and privilege of being your Aunt Cristyn, 5 months on earth, and forever in eternity.

XOXO,

Aunt Cristyn