"I've been silent instead of speaking up, Gave my advice instead of giving love
I have been unfair, faithless, and unkind, I have shut my eyes just so I would stay blind
It's not what I meant to do, 'cause I want to honor you"*
In the last week of March I hit a spiritual and emotional wall. I found myself up against a corner, no where to turn, all I could do was look up. I looked up in the hopes of finally being able to surrender that which I had no control and seek God fully. I often times find myself hitting walls such as these, but that week in March was pretty bad. I was exhausted, emotional, and had no desire to "pull myself together." I put that last part in quotes because I seem to be an expert at pulling myself together, sucking it up, moving on, and forgetting that just as much as my patients, I too need self care. If there were a support group for people who are notorious for lack of self care, I would be the first to introduce myself... every time.
"Hi, my name is Cristyn and I struggle to allow me to take care of myself!"
For whatever reason, I seem to think that if I care for myself that means I'm being selfish. I fail to fully understand what Jesus said in Matthew 22:39: "And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself'" Oh how I laugh to myself when I think of that verse, not because it's funny, but because I always think of what my dear friend's fiance (soon to be husband) says to her about it. He has reminded my dear (and very giving) friend that the verse says to "love your neighbor as yourself, not better than yourself" (Shout out Reiner & Paula). I love that he has told her that and that she in turn has relayed that to me. It's so true, how in the world can I or anyone else love a someone else as ourself when we are not loving ourselves?
The point I'm getting at dear readers is that this month, this glorious and beautiful month of April is what I call my "Make Me Over" month. At the end of last week I bought not one, but two Groupons! That's right, crazy, zany me bought something for myself!!! I bought a month of unlimited Yoga and a couple trips to a sauna. I've never been to a sauna, should be a fun, little "relaxing" experience. I'm really excited!! In addition to that, I cut myself off from social media, or at least that which I'm a part of (Facebook and Pinterest). It's so easy when there is an App for each on my phone and my phone very rarely leaves my side. So, knowing I never get on Pinterest on my home computer it made it easy to delete from my phone, and then I just deactivated my FB for the month of April. I guess if you are one of my readers, and a friend on FB you now know that I have not singled you out and deleted you, but rather I deleted myself. It's only been 4 days, but let me just say there has been freedom already, plus lots of extra time to spend seeking God and taking care of me. PLUS, at the end of this month you will find me treating myself to a lovely vaca in Berlin, Germany for one whole week... attending the glorious wedding of aforementioned friend (the one regarding the Bible verse).
It sounds so weird to say that I'm taking care of myself. In the past I've just ignored myself, pushed through to the point of getting sick at times. I'm also guilty of allowing others to take care of me so that I don't have to worry about it (one less thing on my To-Do list, I say). It's a crazy web we weave inside our heads when we make excuses for taking care of everything and everyone else other than ourselves. We live in a world that says "GIVE, GIVE, GIVE" sometimes and although I'm not an advocate for "TAKE, TAKE, TAKE" all the time, I am a big fan of Give and Take.
I challenge you friends, spend this month or a month sometime in the near future taking care of yourself, making yourself more of a priority (if that's what you struggle with) and see what happens. Pamper yourself! Girls, go out with your girlfriends for manicures and/or pedicures, or a spa day. Guys, go out with your dude friends to a sporting event, or a rousing game of Top Golf (is that even a game?). Whatever you do, do it for you, and be sure to tell me all about it later! ;-)
Just know that as long as God is moving in me and speaking to my heart, you'll find out about it here on Blogger... most of the time.
"Make me over, make me new, Make me a mirror, a reflection of you
Take me all apart, take me to your heart and pull me closer, sweet Savior, make me over
I am only made of your imagining, I'm dust and clay on the wind
Wash me in the river of your sacrifice, Until I'm changed, purified"*
*Make Me Over by Natalie Grant