Sunday, December 16, 2012

Because He Loves Me

"He is jealous for me, 
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory, 
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me."
~ How He Loves Us

It is always so amazing to me how God knows what we need, exactly when we need it.  This weekend, last night especially, I just needed to feel loved.  I am quick to get upset at times that I don't have the earthly love of a husband, and I soon forget that I am loved the way I desire to be... by the Father.  As I cried myself to sleep last night out of sheer frustration about a particular area of my life, I woke up having forgotten how upset I was, and the things I yelled at God.  Then all of a sudden in the midst of worship in church service this morning I heard the line, the bar of music that opens the flood gates every time.  "How He Loves Us" has been my mantra for the last 16 months.  In the midst of the unknown and out of frustration, God always seems to bring that song to mind or I hear it during worship at church.  Many would say it's a coincidence, but for me, for my heart, I know that it's God singing over me.  It is His way of reminding me that in the midst of feeling lonely here on earth, I am not alone.  And He is jealous for me, for my heart, so why would I settle for mediocrity when He desires so much more for my heart, for my life?

As I edge closer to a BIG transition in my life, I remember how scary other transitions have been in the beginning and how I have plowed through and found myself on the other side.  I have spent nearly the last 2 years wrestling with God over my dream, or at least one of them.  I got to the point earlier this year where I was fed up and ready to quit, I didn't see the point.  But then I remembered that my heart didn't yearn for this dream because it's easy, it's because God only calls a few of us to do it.  Am I the best at it?  No, not yet anyway, and besides what's that measurement look like?  So I sorta, kinda shelved it.  I continued to do what I was called to do where I was, and to do it well.  I didn't always have a happy heart, but over time, when I wasn't expecting it, God made a way.  Do I have dreams beyond this one, absolutely.  But I think I've learned to let them go and trust that in His timing all will be revealed.  There is just one dream that absolutely tears my heart to pieces to let go of, but I cannot help but wonder if I let it go, if then and only then would it come to pass. 

God's plans are tremendously larger than anything I could ever hope or imagine.  So as I gear up to enter a large transition, my hope is that I learn to lay down this fragile dream of mine.  Trusting the one who made me, the one who stirred this desire within my heart will know the perfect time in which it shall come to pass.

"She says that beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you're at a new beginning.  Just give hope a chance to float up.  And it will..." ~ Hope Floats (1998)

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

It's a Journey... Not a Destination

"Eventually, you will learn to relax and enjoy the adventure of our journey together." ~ Jesus Calling

I wonder sometimes how many times things will change or how many times someone has to remind me that life is a journey, not a destination before I finally get it.  The last couple of months have brought good news of big changes in my life, but for whatever reason, I'm gracefully terrified.  I say "gracefully" because I seem to keep it closed in, rather than running around like a banchee.  But if you ask me how I'm doing, I probably wouldn't be able to lie very well.  Truth be told, I'm excited, but fearful at the same time.  I'm not quite sure what the fear is about other than at the young age of 31 I'm finally stepping into a job where my skills and talents will be used at a full-time capacity.  I'm getting ready to be the lead therapist for a group of teenagers at a mental health hospital.  It's odd to some folks as I LOVE this age group, such impressionable minds and a wonderful opportunity to be a significant role model in their lives and encourage them.
But often times I wonder why in the world they would ever listen to me. Now maybe I'm being presumptuous to think they do indeed listen to me, but I'd like to think so. Then there are so many times I go back to the years I wrestled with God over this journey and I remember so clearly deciding to take a leap of faith, trust Him, and see where it is I end up. For now, here I am. I'm about to embark on a career path that I couldn't be more excited or passionate about. I'm still fearful, but I believe that comes from knowing something BIG is going to happen with this leap.
I guess only time will tell...