Tuesday, April 28, 2009

The Capacity to Love

"My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"
~ Matthew 27:46

Some days she wonders why, what's the point?  How is it that to love with such a big love could bring so much pain?  Is it the calm before the storm, are the winds about to change?  If so then why does it hurt to breathe sometimes?  How could a fear so big sneak up so quickly and how could at the drop of a hat a wall go up so big and so strong that not even faith and hope could knock it down?  How is it that the ones who claim to love only walk away like nothing ever happened? Where and when does the healing come in?  Does it come with the beginning of a new day, a new month, a new year, a new season of life?  Does it come with taking a chance, a risk that seems to make no sense whatsoever but appears to be the last ounce of hope? 

When can she begin to open her heart again?  To begin to feel again, to love, to laugh, to not hurt so deeply?  Where do you begin to fix what seems to be permanently cracked?  How do you carry on when all your holding onto is a piece of thread?  How do you begin to fulfill that capacity to love again?

Sunday, April 19, 2009

It's Braggin' Time!

So you my dear readers have heard stories here and there of all the precious little ones in my life and that fill every single inch of my heart.  To date I'm up to 8 nieces and nephews and oh how my heart just gushes with the addition of every one of them.  Let's take a trip down memory lane shall we...

Meet Avery Elizabeth Darnell born March 9, 2006, 

Avery added the job title of "aunt" to my life and oh how excited I was when she was born! Now at the age of 3 she is so beautiful with her long blond hair and blue eyes.  She is smart and funny... basically what you think of when you think "Rohloff" ; )

Then in August 2006 my brother, Bill got married and we added 3 older kids to our family... I introduce to you Hailey (age 15), Niko (age 13), & Makenna (age 10)...

They are such wonderful kids and such a welcome addition to our family.  Hailey is beautiful and artistic, her talent amazes me everyday.  Niko is funny and polite, he is very respectful to his elders even when not respecting his sisters : P  and Makenna, well Makenna reminds me a lot of myself at her age and it brings such joy to see how active, cheerful, and compassionate she is.

Then came 2007 and not only did we receive news that Avery would be a big sister, but also Hailey, Niko, and Makenna were having a little sibling as well.  That's right, both my sister and sister-in-law were pregnant.  We weren't expecting Bill & Denise's (my brother & sister-in-law) little one till early 2008, but he had other plans...  

May I introduce to you William Thomas Darnell, Jr. aka "Billy" (born November 1, 2007) and William August Rohloff  aka "Will" (born November 17, 2007)...

Then March 2008 came and a few weeks after Avery turned 2 our family was thrown a curve ball when Baby Billy at 5 months passed away in his sleep of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS), it has been a heartbreaking and healing 13 months for my family, below is one of the last pictures I have of sweet Billy.  He was such a joyful and content baby, he loved playing with Avery and would always laugh at whatever craziness she was up to.  She loved and adored her "B" with all her heart... he forever lives in ours!

And Will is our little Energizer Bunny at 17-months, you would never believe this little guy came at 33 weeks gestation and was only 4 pounds, 3 ounces.  He never stops moving, he gives the sweetest hugs and kisses and believes that by pressing your nose and saying "beep" you'll let him down like an elevator.  I'm in the process of teaching him to say "Aunt Cristyn" he's got the syllables, just not the annunciation part quite yet...

Now we are in 2009 and Denise and Cheryl did it again, they got pregnant at the same time... first came Brock Corbin Rohloff (Denise's youngest, brother to Hailey, Niko, Makenna, & Will) on February 3, 2009...

Brock is the polar opposite of his older brother, Will.  He may be the most mellow child I've ever known.  He's quite the cuddler and at 2-months he has red hair that stands out in a crowd. I may be a little biased, but he is absolutely adorable and is going to have to fight the ladies off with a stick someday (figuratively of course)!

And then on March 25, 2009 just 4 days shy of his older brother's 1st birthday in Heaven, Nathan Ryan Darnell joined our family and God continues to heal our hearts through the presence of this sweet little one.  It is such a joy to be a part of this little guy's life and I cannot wait to see how God is going to use him here on earth...

Oh how blessed I am indeed.  My cup indeed overflows with love, laughter, and joy consistently. I look forward to watching the little ones grow and I look forward to walking life with them and encouraging and cheering them along the way.  What a joy to be an aunt to 8 precious children... at this point of my life I can't think of a better job title to have.  

God Bless and Good Night!

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Do You Even Know Me Anymore?

"...you don't even know who I am anymore,
You're a million miles away,
Though I see you everyday.
And I've been waiting right here,
Over all these years
And sometimes I get so lonely,
I need to know you love me,
But do you even know me anymore?"*

I'm in the shadows, I'm a part of your shadow
I'm in the wind that breezes past you
I'm in the trees, the sky, the rain, the clouds, the hills, the mountains
I'm in it all, I created it all

I'm beyond the place where you meet me at
I'm here long after love has gone away
I'm more than a symbol of death
I'm in your sacrifice

But I'll stand here and wait for as long as it takes
I've never left you, however you have chosen to walk away from me
All that you search for can't be found here
Do you even know who you are anymore?
I'll wait...

"And I don't even know who I am anymore.
God I'm praying through the tears,
Let me make up all these years.
Oh have I waited too long?
Can I start again?
To be the man You've wanted of me.
I'm begging You to show me,
But do You even know me anymore?"*

*Do You Even Know Me Anymore (2003) Mark Schultz