"To God belong wisdom and power;
counsel and understanding are his.
He reveals the deep things of darkness
and brings deep shadows into the light."
~ Job 12:13, 22
In a previous blog posting entitled "No Greater Love..." I spoke of how grateful I was to have the family I have and the joy of having become an aunt twice more within a two week span. Now nearly two years later much has changed but the one thing that continues to reiterate within me and the constant whisper of God that tugs on my heart is that of a great love. I have never realized the strength and power of love until that joy I had two years ago came crashing down only 5 months later. Here I am on the eve of what would have been my precious nephew, Billy's second birthday and all I can say is "how did I get here?". And this is not a phrase of despair, but rather a phrase of shock, disbelief, gratefulness, peace, and healing all wrapped into one. God has shown nothing but GREAT love for my family and even in the moments where I still cry and I still grieve over losing such a precious gift, I find that what was left behind, the legacy Billy left within me, is an ability to love deeper, to understand greater, and to laugh harder. For although it has been 582 days since our family gave Billy back to Jesus to live with Him for eternity, it just means that there are 582 less days on earth we have to live without him and therefore we are that much closer to seeing him in the Kingdom of God.
This last week I've spent time looking back at the last two years of my life and where I have been, the valleys I have walked through, where God has lead me and where He continues to guide me as I walk into the fullness that He has set before me. I am in awe of His greatness, for it is nothing that I did. In fact if it was up to me or by my own strength I definitely would be curled up in a corner somewhere enduring a complete and total emotional breakdown. Love is what is getting my family through this time and love is what will continue to get us through as the years go by. I'm so blessed, I love how God has taken a family that has always been so close and just drawn us closer to one another. I love that what the enemy meant for evil, God took and made good. Out of the grief of losing their son, my sister and her husband created a non-profit (SIDS America) to help other families walk through their grief. They are able to share with others how God spoke over them, how He walked with them (and continues to do so) through their grief, and how God is healing their hearts. Billy has left behind a greater legacy than I'm sure even he could ever imagine... I have no doubt that he couldn't be more proud of his mommy and daddy here on earth, I know I am. A legacy and organization I too hope to help out with in the near future.
Tonight as I get ready to close my eyes and wake up to another birthday without Billy, I leave you with a song that brings comfort to a grieving heart...
"Broken hearted from all you have lost
How can you sing through your tears?
What is this music that can bear such a cost?
What is this fire that grows stronger against the wind?
What kind of flame can this be?
This is the love that God showed the world
When He gave us His Son
So we could know His love forever
Beyond the gates of splendor."
~ No Greater Love, Steven Curtis Chapman