Saturday, September 11, 2010

Out of Fear?

"Some time later, the Lord spoke to Abram in a vision and said to him, 'Do not be afraid, Abram, for I will protect you, and your reward will be great.'" ~ Genesis 15:1

""I am God, the God of your father,' the voice said.  'Do not be afraid to go down to Egypt, for there I will make your family into a great nation.'" ~ Genesis 46:3

"The Lord is my light and my salvation - so why should I be afraid? The Lord is my fortress, protecting me from danger, so why should I tremble?" ~ Psalm 27:1

Oh if only I could rest in these verses... and maybe I still can, the key is finding rest in anything these days.  My mind races miles ahead of my body and I quickly find myself worn out and exhausted from trying to keep up with the never ending "to-do" list in my head.  Sometimes I can't even catch everything fast enough to write it all down.  This is how life has been recently (and by recently, I mean this last week).  It's as if I hit warp speed and I can only see a short amount of time to get all the things done that I need to get done.  For instance, I need to pack... but not just pack like I'm moving somewhere else, but pack for 2 different locations.  Oh and remember not to pack anything for storage that I might need should I end up going to Washington D.C. come January.  Speaking of D.C. that's the primary reason I'm writing.  If only I could tell you how many times my head and heart have wrestled with this choice.  It's a little ridiculous how quickly I change my mind on this, and the funny thing is that when I first heard about it, I had no questions or reservations, it seemed like the right thing to do and a wonderful opportunity.  And it still does, but it hit me tonight (or maybe I just finally admitted it) that fear has been a strong driving force in NOT going.  I haven't even been offered the position and I'm thinking of a million non-rational reasons why I shouldn't go.  I'd give you my list, but I truly believe you have better things to do than read my PRO/CON list for D.C.  And besides, it's all in my head (along with my forever long "to-do" list) anyway.

So here's the thing... if fear is the only reason why I wouldn't go, then I probably should... right?  And again I haven't received an answer yet, but maybe that's what I'm afraid of the most... getting my heart set on this adventure and then finding out that I'm not chosen.  It's not like I've walked out shattered hopes and dreams before, but then again is that any reason to stop believing?

I'm a little quieter these days, but now you know why.... so if you wonder or desire to ask why, maybe just say a little prayer.  Pray that I'll find my way far from fear and forever in the arms of hope!

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