"He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me."
~ How He Loves Us
It is always so amazing to me how God knows what we need, exactly when we need it. This weekend, last night especially, I just needed to feel loved. I am quick to get upset at times that I don't have the earthly love of a husband, and I soon forget that I am loved the way I desire to be... by the Father. As I cried myself to sleep last night out of sheer frustration about a particular area of my life, I woke up having forgotten how upset I was, and the things I yelled at God. Then all of a sudden in the midst of worship in church service this morning I heard the line, the bar of music that opens the flood gates every time. "How He Loves Us" has been my mantra for the last 16 months. In the midst of the unknown and out of frustration, God always seems to bring that song to mind or I hear it during worship at church. Many would say it's a coincidence, but for me, for my heart, I know that it's God singing over me. It is His way of reminding me that in the midst of feeling lonely here on earth, I am not alone. And He is jealous for me, for my heart, so why would I settle for mediocrity when He desires so much more for my heart, for my life?
As I edge closer to a BIG transition in my life, I remember how scary other transitions have been in the beginning and how I have plowed through and found myself on the other side. I have spent nearly the last 2 years wrestling with God over my dream, or at least one of them. I got to the point earlier this year where I was fed up and ready to quit, I didn't see the point. But then I remembered that my heart didn't yearn for this dream because it's easy, it's because God only calls a few of us to do it. Am I the best at it? No, not yet anyway, and besides what's that measurement look like? So I sorta, kinda shelved it. I continued to do what I was called to do where I was, and to do it well. I didn't always have a happy heart, but over time, when I wasn't expecting it, God made a way. Do I have dreams beyond this one, absolutely. But I think I've learned to let them go and trust that in His timing all will be revealed. There is just one dream that absolutely tears my heart to pieces to let go of, but I cannot help but wonder if I let it go, if then and only then would it come to pass.
God's plans are tremendously larger than anything I could ever hope or imagine. So as I gear up to enter a large transition, my hope is that I learn to lay down this fragile dream of mine. Trusting the one who made me, the one who stirred this desire within my heart will know the perfect time in which it shall come to pass.
"She says that beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you're at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will..." ~ Hope Floats (1998)