Tuesday, August 18, 2009

A New Perspective... A New Life

I had the awesome privilege of having lunch with an incredibly wonderful woman of God today. She has been walking through some stuff with me only recently and the revelation that comes through my meetings with her is absolutely amazing and so difficult to put into words... but alas, I will try as I feel led.

We were discussing some life issues and past relationships that I've been dealing with and working through the residual effects. She made a comment about who I was before and who I am now. The revelation that God wanted to share with me through her was that I was one person before my nephew died and now I'm a completely different person. Now, I heard that the loss of my nephew would change me, but I had no idea until just recently. There is joy with that, but at the same time there is some pain. I lost a few relationships in the months that proceeded Billy's death and there are times when I wish that those people could see me now... could see that I did indeed walk out one of the absolute darkest hours of my life, and I walked it out with my relationship with God and my faith intact. Actually I have to say it is greater and stronger than ever before.

I walked away from lunch today feeling reassured and affirmed that I'm on the right path, I am loved, and ultimately I'm good enough... even if it's just in the eyes of the Father. I still can't put everything into words, but I think for now bits and pieces will have to do until the rest of it falls into place. I almost feel at times as though I'm just an observer and for this season of life I have the great honor of witnessing as God continues to build upon my testimony. I'm grateful that the tears I cry now are no longer just tears of pain, but the tears of joy have once again returned... my heart is truly happy, I'm happy and on somedays it is a strange place to be.

My last thought I want to share with you tonight is actually a song. Many of you know me and know that at times life rolls around to a song... and then it plays in my head over and over again and on occasion comes out of my mouth. The song playing in my head right now and on most days is this...

"I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on
I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on"

~ Rascal Flatts, 2000