Sunday, August 2, 2009

Restoration of a Broken Heart

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."
~ 1 Peter 5:8

What can you do with a broken heart, when every time you try to pick up the pieces and move on it just falls apart all over again? Who do you trust to close up the wound with a tender touch and a painless stitch? Who do you give the deepest part of your thoughts and feelings in the hopes that they'll understand?

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
~ Matthew 11:28

Sometimes I obtain the title of a blog before the rest of it comes to me. Yesterday I obtained the title "Restoration of a Broken Heart," and thought for sure it was time to write. However, the rest of it wasn't there so I had to put it to rest for the time being... well, I think the time is now. Of course with every blog I write I approach it with a bit of hesitation. I believe my writing is a gift and I pray that God will use it (whether today or someday down the road) to bless and minister to others... so here I am, with great joy and a lot of gratitude to unsuspecting friends that inspired this & God of course.

I've said this a million times and I believe that I will probably say it for the rest of my life, it is a part of my testimony and what is forever etched on the inside of my heart... my life changed forever on March 29, 2008. That is the day that my sweet 5-month-old nephew, Billy, went home to be with Jesus. As days go by and now over a year later I still have moments where I miss him, but more than that I continue to see what God is revealing and digging out of the deepest part of my soul because of that life changing moment. I still don't have the words for it all yet and that can be frustrating because in the moments where I want to share with people I feel so alone and lost in a sea of people because I suddenly don't know what to say and not sure others will understand what God has done and is doing... I suddenly cannot explain the loss and heartache that has slowly but surely turned into joy and dancing.

It is all a process, and probably will be for a while... all I can say is I'm walking out the "restoration of a broken heart." It starts with just allowing yourself to be completely broken and feel every emotion of every minute of every day despite how others may feel or react to you. Then, when we least expect it is when God comes in (not that He ever left) and slowly and ever so gently stitches the broken pieces of our hearts back together. Just like a deep cut, the stitches come out eventually and what remains is a scar... a story to share with others for the rest of our lives. Billy will always be a part of my life story, the joy he brought to those around him, and the sweet reminder and legacy he left with his family here on earth. I praise God that his parents were able to capture some of the most tender moments on camera and share it with the rest of the world. Sometimes when I miss him the most I go back to those videos and pictures and am gently reminded that he is in a better place, he is happy, joyful, and safe. There is no one that could take better care of that sweet boy than Jesus himself.

As I continue to walk out this restoration I also walk out the mistakes that I made and the poor choices I chose in that season leading up to Billy's passing (and some thereafter)... and the words I was given was this...

"When trying to be someone or something we're not, we find ourselves lost in a sea of unknown."

So I continue to walk through this restoration or refining of my spirit if you will. I face the choices I've made, I find I have not been the girl God has called me to be out of an insecurity and hesitation of what others may see. But then I realize I miss me, I miss who I was called to be, and with a huge leap of faith and great timidity I seek God to find the missing girl inside.

One other thing that I realized tonight as I looked around a room of some old friends and new ones (all of which make up the awesome team that is Team Ecuador 2009), I have a ton of blessings that walked out some of the darkest hours in my life... my friends and family that held me up and interceded in prayer for me when I could not. For that I'm forever grateful and I realize that even when I feel so alone I am not.

"And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." ~ 1 Peter 5:10

*B and I taking a nap @ his home in Colorado (Nov. 2007), he was 3 weeks old here

1 comment:

Phil Carlson said...

Cristyn, this was powerful. Thanks so much for sharing - I've been going through a season of loss myself, both with the death of my grandfather in May (he was the closest thing I had to a dad for much of my life), and going through the loss of a relationship with another person in July, which was difficult to say the least. I know what it is to feel terribly alone and abandoned, but I also know how wonderful it is when God makes me aware of His comforting presence through the best of friends. I honestly don't know where I'd be today but for the miracle of great friends. God is so good, and the consistent challenge in the process of mourning a loss is to acknowledge the pain, while standing on the truth at the same time. Being both humble and steadfast without becoming prideful or cowardly. When I have the promise of Jesus, the presence of the Holy Spirit, the comfort of the Fathers' love and the support of true Christian community .... what else do I need?