Monday, September 28, 2009

But a breath...

I see life in music lyrics and lately a subject that has been heavy on my heart is our time here on earth. In the middle of dissecting this matter I heard Brooke Fraser's "C.S. Lewis Song"... if you haven't heard it you should, it speaks volumes....

When I hear this song, rather when I belt this song out at the top of my lungs in the confines of my car (or occasionally at home) my heart just melts at the bridge where she sings about our time here on earth being but a breath and so we better breathe it in. I always think back on my life during this part and I think how quickly time passes and life changes and lives end. I write this because it gives me a voice I can't find otherwise. I write a lot about my nephew, Billy, who passed away in March 2008. I guess you can say I'm still feeling the effects and with my studies to become a counselor I can't help but continue to dig deep within me to allow God to bring up that which is not my most glorifying. I have emotional vomit on a regular basis these days and when I think of Billy I think of how much I missed with him and how much I continue to miss as he grows up in Heaven and I continue life here on earth. It's hard, but deep down somewhere within me there is that realization that hope is coming. I've already seen parts of it through Billy's younger brother, Nathan, who is now 6 months old and without realizing it has a lot of the same mannerisms as B did. Don't get me wrong, I don't see Nathan as a replacement, I see him as a wonderful and beautiful gift from God and I choose to believe (whether right or wrong, I don't know) that Billy guided Nathan before he got here. I just have this feeling that he told Nathan that their older sister, Avery, is a total ham and he would enjoy playing and laughing with her. I believe B probably told Nathan the little things that would bring joy to his mommy and daddy. I believe he encouraged Nathan to be his own little person because that in and of itself would bring so much healing to a broken family.

I lose way of my thoughts very quickly when the Spirit moves, but the fact of the matter in all this is don't make up excuses or reasons not to do things, not to follow your dreams, or not to get to know someone... life is but a breath... you better breathe it in before it is gone. For me I began to finally chase a dream March 15, 2008.... two weeks later God took Billy home and it crossed my mind to give it all up, to just forget it, but I didn't. I breathed it in and now in less than 13 months I will have successfully finished my masters and on the path to becoming a licensed professional counselor. When I get tired or weary with my studies I remember the little boy who brought so much light and life to all those around him and I'm encouraged to keep pressing in.

"If I find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy,
I can only conclude that I was not made for here
If the felsh that I fight is at best only light and momentary,
then ofcourse I'll feel nude when to where I'm destined I'm compared

Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan as I wait for hope to come for me

Am I lost or just found? On the straight or on the roundabout of the wrong way?
is this a soul that stirs in me, is it breaking free, wanting to come alive?
Cos my comfort would prefer for me to be numb
An avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become

For we, we are not long here
Our time is but a breath, so we better breathe it
And I, I was made to live, I was made to love, I was made to know you
Hope is coming for me
Hope, He's coming"

~ C.S. Lewis Song, Brooke Fraser

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