Sunday, November 1, 2009

Caught Between Heaven & Earth

Today would have been Billy's 2nd birthday... and I was doing well, functioning through the day until around 7pm. My bible study is working through the book by Francis Chan entitled "Crazy Love" (an amazing read by the way, I totally recommend it). Tonight's discussion was on death (of course, what better timing, right?) and if there was anyone that we knew that died unexpectedly, what achievements did they leave behind, what regrets might they have had? I lost it in a sea of silent tears. I couldn't speak up, I was torn with anger. My heart broke for the little boy who didn't get to live life with us here on earth. But I realize that is the selfish part in me, for I know that he is experiencing a much more fruitful life and joyous experience in Heaven on a daily basis with the one who created us all.

What I realized through my grief and anger today is that I'm stuck in a place I don't want to be, but at the same time I don't want to leave. I'm stuck between Heaven and living a life of eternity with God and those who have gone before me & living life here on earth with those I love and still walk life with. A couple months after Maria Chapman died (Steven Curtis Chapman's daughter), Steven Curtis Chapman wrote that he and his wife wanted to be with Jesus now and didn't want to wait, but yet they had to wait until God called them home. I think that is the hardest part in all this. As much as I have here on earth yet to finish, I often think of how much greater it will be to live in eternity with my Heavenly Father. I long for all the moments I missed with 'B'. I long to hold him again, to nap with him, to see him laugh, to see him walk, talk, all of it. In my mind I know that day will come when it's time, but my heart longs to see that sweet face again.

I sat down at Billy's grave sight today for a long time, just talking to him. I talked to him about how much we all missed him, and how I wondered what he would look like now... would he have blonde hair like his daddy and sister? Would he be a ham like Avery and Nathan? I wondered how he would say "Aunt Cristyn." All the things that run through my mind more often than not. I wondered if he, Avery, & Nathan would be like the three musketeers. I see so many similarities in all three of them and can't help but think if they had been given the chance that here on earth they may have been the greatest of friends (in between their sibling rivalry moments of course).

I long in the deepest part of my heart to see that sweet face again soon, but until that time comes I pray God gives me the strength to finish the work here on earth He has called me to. I was called to live a life that counts and not give up. I will see my 'B' again and I look forward to the day that he runs to me and takes my hand and introduces me to our Heavenly Father. I look forward to the day where I am no longer caught between Heaven and Earth.

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