I come before you tonight my dear readers with my heart on my sleeve and snip-its of my conversation with God this evening as we walked together around the "lake."
Me: [at the beginning of my walk, not thinking much of anything]
God: How long are you going to avoid this? You know you have to deal with this right?
Me: I was kinda hoping it would just go away, that if I ignored it long enough or brushed it to the side it would wash away in the past
Me: So how does this work? I've tried for months now to "get over it" to "let it go" and "move on"... clearly not working, what am I missing?
God: For starters, you're not me... there is no clear cut escape, nothing clean about it... it's gonna hurt and it's gonna suck, but you have to allow yourself to feel every part of it
Me: I'm not trying to be you, I don't want to be you, that's a lot of responsibility. I just want to be healed and know that I can move forward with my life and that my past won't hurt another
God: I made you, you're a Type A Control freak, it bugs the heck out of you that you can't fix this, that you can't put a band-aid on it and move on. Your past might hurt someone moving forward, but you have to trust me in order to find out. In order to find out if it even matters and if that hurt is enough to keep people away.
Me: I don't want to cry anymore, I don't want to pray about it, I just want it to go away, how do I make it go away
God: You walk through it. Remember that song you'd sing to your pre-school students about the bear hunt? The only way you're gonna move forward and continue on is to go through "it"... whether it be good, bad, or all the stuff in between.
Me: [long quiet contemplation as I continue my walk...]
God: You are going to get through this, I know you. You will walk out all the more stronger and wiser, you just have to trust me and as scary as it sounds you have to trust yourself. Feel every part of life, feel the pain, the joy, the fear, the sadness, the anger... all of it. That is how you're going to get through it.
Me: [softly singing as I sit quietly in my designated quiet time space...] "So I fall before you; in all of my shame; ready and willing to be changed. Own me, take all that I am, and heal me with the blood of the lamb. Mold me with your gracious hand; break me till I'm only yours, own me.*"
*Own Me by Ginny Owens, 1999