"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone, my hope comes from him." ~ Psalm 62:5
"I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word, I put my hope." ~ Psalm 130:5
"There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off." ~ Proverbs 28:13
It's been 4 1/2 years since I applied for graduate school... when I graduate it will have been 5 years. That's a long journey, a long time to wait for something God has called me to. Granted I didn't begin until 2008, so when all is said and done it will have been a 2 1/2 year journey. I think what took so long was that I was convinced other things were to happen before I begin this journey. Little did I know I would not only begin, but I would finish it before what I expected to occur would occur (or I hope to anyway). The point is, I'm tired, I've run this race with excellence and tonight I hit a huge discouraging roadblock. Of course as the rational/not so tired side of my brain finally kicked in, I realized this is not the end. God's been speaking to me a lot about what the future may look like. I like the times where I can sit, be still, and day dream about all that God has for me. I feel called to help counsel future generations. I don't know yet what that looks like, but I trust God will make a way. I haven't been faithful in sacrificing my time to be the best grad student I could be or even the most faithful daughter to the one who has breathed life into me, but there is still hope. God is changing me daily.
It's funny how this journey began. I finally found the faith and courage to step out of the boat and into the crashing waves of graduate school. Almost instantly, the enemy threw everything he could think of my way to discourage me, to make me run and hide. But despite the losses, the heartache, the confusion, and the discouragement, I stood firm in what God had for me... what He wanted me to do. Now here I am, so close to the end and I'm scared to death. I realize that the enemy is still and probably will always be trying to keep me from my calling, but I won't let go, I won't give up unless God tells me otherwise. One of the things that keeps me going, that keeps my strength up and for me to keep pushing through is the memory of my sweet nephew, Billy...
I don't know how this cute and charming face could keep anyone from fighting for the future! Billy will forever be engraved in my mind and heart as a precious 5-month-old baby, and that does break my heart. But more than my sadness over losing him to the unexplained, is the fire that burns in my heart to fight for children of his, his sister, and brother's generation and those to come. To fight for their families and to help them find knowledge and hope in you. I don't intend to specialize as a Christian counselor, but I have no intention of hiding the one who keeps me going. I hate that it took losing Billy for me to find my strength and hope, but I thank God that he will live in me forever, inspiring me, and encouraging me to continue to chase the dream.