Sunday, June 3, 2012

I Won't Give Up: A Lesson in Dream Chasing

"On hearing this, Jesus said, 'It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick.  But go and learn what this means: 'I desire mercy, not sacrifice.'  For I have not called the righteous, but sinners.'" 
~ Matthew 9:12 (NIV '84)

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." 
~ Proverbs 13:12 (NIV '84)

"'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up"*

Do you sense a theme here?  I've found myself at a crossroads lately.  A crossroads between what I love to do, what I want to do, what I need to do, what I don't really care to be doing, and the place where I deeply long to be in the midst of all of it.  I guess the bigger question is... in the midst of this crossroad, what will I chose to do?  Will I give up... or will I look up, trusting in the one who has illuminated the path before me?

"Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path." 
~ Psalm 119:105

The last 18 months have been a little deceiving in what I refer to as my "human" eyes.  I had so many distractions and what the world would refer to as worldly possessions.  I had deceived myself enough to think that I deserved it.  I knew where my life was going, I had the perfect life mapped out and was full steam ahead.  Had you told me 18 months ago that I would be where I am today, I probably would have just laughed in your face.  Terrible, I know!  And hindsight is always 20/20, right?  That kinda sucks, but then again, how would I know to change things in my life if I couldn't see my mistakes from before, if I refused to see my mistakes from before?  Being able to see hindsight in 20/20 reminds me of how grateful I am to be surrounded by such a strong cloud of witnesses, friends and family that hold me up, that intercede for me when I don't have the faintest idea in how to approach the Savior.  I thank God that these are the people who have not and will not give up on me.  I thank God that my best friend looks at me with a sweet and innocent blank stare when I have my "Ah Ha!" moments, knowing full well that she has probably been trying to tell me all along whatever it is I think I just discovered about myself.

I don't know what my future holds, I will say trying so hard to navigate it and control it over the last 30 years has done wore me out!  One thing I do hope is that my thirties look dramatically different from my twenties.  Not that my twenties were bad, but I learned so much that I would assume not repeat ;)  I want to love more deeply, take more risks, open my heart to the hurting, not allow others to make me feel inferior (not that I'm superior by any means either), trust more intently, and never assume when there's so much I don't know.

I'm not giving up, I don't know where I'm headed, but wherever it is, I'm not giving up... I'm looking up.

"I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not
And who I am"*

*I Won't Give Up by Jason Mraz (Love is a Four Letter Word 2012)

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