The Box

Life is hard living in a "box." It took me years to realize it and quite a few people along my life path to point out that I do indeed live life inside it... or at least use to. You see, it's difficult to see outside the box, it's difficult to understand what is outside and around the box in which one lives.

I remember the first time I had this discussion about how I viewed life. I was called into meet with one of my professors in college. It was my senior year at SMU and I was taking a theater class to fulfill one of my elective requirements... Creative Dramatics (don't act like you're surprised by this). Charlie was the professor and I remember sitting across from him in his office when he stated that what he noticed in me was this beautiful ability to become a completely different person when acting out a scene, but then somewhere along the way I'd pull back as if I'd seen something in me that I didn't like or that I didn't allow myself to be. Little did I know at that time that meeting would stick with me for years to come. I've carried that scene in the back of my mind and occasionally it pops up to the forefront and this time around I felt the need to put it into words. I thank Charlie for that. But that wouldn't be the last I heard of this viewpoint within me.

Three years after graduation and after that class with Charlie I came face to face with the "box" once again and this time in terms of the end of a "relationship." I was told I place people in a "box" and I expect them to act uniformly. I didn't get it this time around, I was bitter and mad for this suggestion and the person for the pain and hurt they had brought to my heart. Now 3 years after that encounter I finally get it.

I'm learning that living in a "box" is not fun and so one dimensional and restrictive. There's a lot of life to see, I may not understand it all, but it doesn't hurt to try. Grace, mercy, and patience are beautiful things and I think that is what I'm understanding the most out of all this mess. People are very much more than one aspect, more than one characteristic. That is the one thing I so painfully came to realize over 2 years ago and struggled to express to others at the time. I'm grateful for this journey and blessed that I can choose to step outside the "box" and see the world as it was truly meant to be seen.

I Dreamed A Dream

Once upon four and a half years ago I sat on the floor of my bedroom in a house I shared with two friends dutifully filling out an application to a graduate school that I was not even sure I was supposed to attend or what I would do if I got accepted. A few weeks later an acceptance letter came along with the proper ID needed to be considered a "student." That letter sat in a box for three years until the time came for the dream the Father dreamed for His daughter to pass. With an open heart and blind eyes I took a leap of faith and here we are today, just over two more years later and I'm a little less than 6 months away from graduating with a masters degree in counseling that I said I never wanted : ) Never say never... right?

It's been interesting to me to watch this journey come to pass. I remember throwing in the towel my junior year at SMU and thinking, "to heck with this... I'm not even good at this." Pertaining to the subject of psychology of course. Granted I was so close to finishing the degree I did anyway, but under no circumstances was I intending to do any graduate work and I certainly was not about to obtain my Masters Degree. Oh how glad I am that I was wrong! God knew, He knew exactly what was going to happen and how it would all come to pass... for that I am grateful because I couldn't have crafted a more beautiful story if I tried. It's been hard, no doubt about that... but shoot, if hard is what it takes to get where God wants me than I'll do hard any day of the week.

Which leads me to the next part of this journey... Practicum, also known as my student internship. I am required by Amberton University to complete 300 hours of Practicum under the supervision of a Licensed Professional Counselor or Psychologist before I am eligible to graduate. For my placement, I've selected Sundance Behavioral Health Center in Ft. Worth. Yes, I realize that is quite the hike for someone living in Dallas, but I can already tell every moment will be absolutely worth it! I had my intern orientation today and I got to hear more about the make-up of the kids that attend and the situations that I would see the most. These are super smart kids dealing with behavioral issues that they have no idea what to do with. Some have been kicked out of their schools or on the verge and they want to be at Sundance, they want to get help. I was there once and so it is more than an honor and a privilege to be able to give back and help them find themselves. I'm entering a very fulfilling career and as scared to death as I am at failing these kids, there's something in the back of my mind that gives me peace knowing I'm doing the right thing.

It's not about me, it never was. Many people have believed in me over the years when I couldn't figure out down from up and now... well, now I have the chance to impart that belief and wisdom into the younger generations of today. I write tonight asking you to pray for the kiddoes at Sundance Behavioral Health Center. They're there for a reason and they want to be and how amazing to know that somewhere out there, people are praying for a generation to be healed and to change the way in which they live.

Psalm 23

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures,

he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul.

He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil, for you are with me;

your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me

in the presence of my enemies.

You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and love will follow me

all the days of my life,

and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

~ Psalm 23, NIV

The days leading up to my graduate exam this week the Lord had placed upon my heart Psalm 23. The only sense I could make of it is the constant thought of "God is always with us"... and I left it at that as I prayed the beginning of the chapter over and over in my heart. Now here I am 4 days after aforementioned exam, having passed it and still my heart is heavy with Psalm 23. So as I've meditated and continue to meditate on it this is what I have thus far...

I had a lot of doubt in my abilities this week. The first thought that came to mind as I processed through Psalm 23 was God asking, "Why did you ever doubt me? You haven't before during this journey. Have I not set a purpose before you and breathed it to life?" ... Ouch, sometimes I don't like how well God knows me. But with that question I read through it all again... and I continue to do so until it all makes sense. There's not a lot of meat to this blog, but just sharing what God is sharing with me. One more thing before I sign off... Psalm 23 via The Message Bible...

God, my shepherd! I don't need a thing.

You have bedded me down in lush meadows, you find me quiet

pools to drink from.

True to your word, you let me catch my breath and send

me in the right direction.

Even when the way goes through Death Valley, I'm not afraid

when you walk at my side. Your trusty shepherd's crook

makes me feel secure.

You serve me a six-course dinner right in front of my enemies.

You revive my drooping head; my cup brims with blessing.

Your beauty and love chase after me every day of my life.

I'm back home in the house of God for the rest of my life.

~ Psalm 23, The Message

Holy Roar

Over these last few days of preparing for my big departmental exam the song laid upon my heart has been Watermark's "Holy Roar" sung by Christy Nockels. It is a moving and passionate worship song all about the pursuit of God. It exemplifies exactly what this journey has been for me... a pursuit after God and the passion He has placed upon my heart for so many years. I found it a little poetic when I noticed for the first time the other night that this song is on an album entitled, "The Road to One Day." In past blogs when I've spoken of this dream I've dated it back to 2005 when I first applied to graduate school, however when mediating upon it all last night I really felt that God placed this calling on my life at the age of 14. That was 14 years ago!! This has been a dream that has taken ups, downs, twists, turns and unexpectancies. Just goes to show God doesn't give up on us, but is patient and kind for as long as it takes for us to realize what He already knows. At 14 I was diagnosed with depression and anorexia, I spent the better part of my high school and college years trying to figure out why I was the way I was and why I made the choices I made. I still don't have a definitive answer, but I have a peace that surpasses all and any understanding. For I am a child of God and nothing less. I am a miracle, a blessing, and a treasure. What I do believe is that maybe it was all a part of the plan to get me where I am now... pursuing a masters degree in counseling so I in turn can help kids who struggle with their identity and the false beliefs they have that lead to mechanisms to suppress all of it.

And me graduating and obtaining my masters is by no means the end of a dream. I've thought over the last few weeks, "what's next? What will I pursue when this dream is done?" The thing of it is, this is just opening a door to so much more. I'll be given the responsibility of counseling future generations and my hope is that it will help turn the tides in what we foresee our kids, grandkids being born into. This is a fallen world, that I know. I also know that I can't "fix" or "save" anyone, but if I can help change the way they think, the way they see things then let's get movin'!! I pray that my heart will not die in this area, and that should it ever become hardened or separated from this pursuit then I need to find a new occupation. I'm tired of living in my own little world pretending that everything is "normal." What is normal anyway? I'm ready to cause a Holy Roar and walk through the open door God has been preparing for me for the last 14 years. It's way past time to step into my calling and walk in obedience to the Lord.

What's God calling you to? What is your "Holy Roar?"

"Rivers of renewal, the spirit whisper a revival

And He sends us rushing, Lord, send us rushing

Open hearts with hopes of unity, we're servants to love in lost

humanity

Lord, send us reaching, yeah

Oh can you hear it? It's the song of the redeemed

The pursuit of passion for the one who set us free

Oh can you hear it? We're crying out for more

And listen to our song, it's turning into a holy roar, a holy roar, yeah

And we come rejoicing and singing and crying out to You, Lord

Can you hear the holy roar?"

~ Holy Roar, Christy Nockels, The Road to One Day

Where is Your Faith?

Faith... the dictionary defines it as "belief that is not based on proof..." or "confidence or trust in a person or thing..." and the list goes on.

...but here is what the Bible says about faith...

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."

~ Hebrews 11:1

And as of this week, this is how I feel about it all... "ARGH!!"... it's scientific really, too scientific to explain beyond my pirate definition : )

In all honesty, I think what it boils down to is God just tapping me on the shoulder and asking, "Where is your faith, Cristyn?" And he's right to ask, my faith seems to have gotten lost amongst the piles of papers I have hiding in my closet (trust me on that one, something you don't actually want to see). I have a number of excuses in my back pocket... "I'm stressed out," "I'm exhausted," "I've been spending my whole life prepping for my graduate departmental exam,"... blah, blah, blah. I often wonder if we sound like the teacher from the 'Peanuts' cartoon to God when we talk. I know he hears all that we say, but when it comes to us making excuses I truly wonder what he hears. I've gotta believe that as he loves us unconditionally, he probably just shrugs his shoulders in these situations and says to himself "give 'em time, just give 'em time, they'll come around."

I don't know about anyone else, but it defeating and humiliating to admit when I'm wrong. I've only recently come to realize this through some intensive recovery time and soul searching. I passionately dislike admitting when I'm wrong and there are plenty of times when I'm wrong. And recently as it pertains to my relationship with the Lord, I've been W-R-O-N-G!! Praise God for grace, mercy, and patience. These last few days I've completely allowed myself to be distracted by the enemy. The still, small voice I've allowed into my head is not that of my Heavenly Father, but rather that of the enemy that is trying to convince me that I won't be a good counselor, my only shot at love ran the other way (screaming), the only babies I'll ever know as my own are my nieces and nephews, and someone dear to me might possibly be sick. Hence the "ARGH" response mentioned earlier. Shoot, I've had a total of 3 emotional meltdowns in 5 days... that might be some sort of record for me.

Am I stressed? Exhausted? Continuing to burn a candle at both ends that no longer has a wick on either end? Yes, but my strength does not come from me... it comes from my Father in Heaven. I've known all along this journey that this is not something I can accomplish or complete alone, so I have to know when enough is enough and surrender to the Lord. I'm finding that it usually comes days, sometimes even weeks before my breaking point. There's only so much I can do and then the rest is left to God. He only allows us to do so much and even still it's all with Him by our side. The thing of it is we have to recognize that, we have to acknowledge him and be willing to surrender and accept that He's not there to ridicule what we couldn't do, but rather to help us finish the task set before us along this path.

So, where is my faith? Just where it should be, in my Heavenly Father who has a purpose and plan in all that He does... Where is yours?

Here With Us

"Then my soul will rejoice in the Lord and delight in his salvation"

~ Psalm 35:9

"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take

great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will

rejoice over you with singing."

~ Zephaniah 3:17

Oh how I wish I had blogged about this the other day after it all happened. What with all I have to remember these days all my recall is reserved for my graduate studies. Hoping and believing God will meet me here and what I have to say will translate well to you dear reader.

Thursday night was a night I reserved for focusing some more on going over all the theories of counseling in order to prep for my big test. I had just finished making poster-sized "maps" explaining each theory and taping them to the walls/doors of my bedroom. After I went around the whole room taking them all in on Thursday night, I found myself collapsing on my bed wondering if I could do this... if I could master this test and in turn eventually complete my degree and step into the role of "licensed professional counselor." Such responsibility comes with three little letters... L, P, C. Before I could even get the thought or the contemplation across my mind, the Lord flooded me with songs of praise! Never in my life have I heard so clearly the Father express how proud He was of me. And the thing of it is, that's all I heard and that was more than enough for me. The floodgates opened, my soul, body, and mind was being washed clean as the tears came pouring down. My professor had warned us that we'd hit a psychological wall about this period in the studying process, but this was no longer about whether or not I know this stuff, but rather it was about this journey ending and the adventure that lays ahead because of all that I've pressed into up to this point.

Do you know how amazing it is to hear the Father say he's proud of you? I hear my parents say it often and I especially love it when it comes in the context of them introducing me to someone, but there is just something so comforting and reassuring when it comes from the Heavenly Father, the one who breathed life into me, the one who created me out of His own image. Never once on this journey have I found myself questioning what God was doing, I would question what I was thinking, but always, always, had the peace of God knowing what He was doing. My prayer in December 2007/January 2008 was consistently this:

"Father, if at any point in time this is not what you have for me. If counseling is not the calling you have on my life or the path you have set before me, I will quit wherever I'm at and be okay with that. I want to be in complete obedience of what you have for my life."

Ladies and gentlemen... our God is a great God! He never led me astray, he never sent mixed signals, and when I was weary or tired, He gave me rest, carried my burdens and got me here. In fact He continues to carry me through and I trust that He'll do the same for you in whatever you need. I've seen a promised fulfilled and maybe this is a small dose of what I needed in order to believe that He'll do the same in other areas of my life.

I don't know what is next when all this ends in November, but I trust that God's got a plan and that He won't disappoint. He loves me with a big love, He is teaching me to do the same, and in turn I hope to teach others. Who would have thought that this crazy, fun-loving, dancing, singing, daydream believing woman of God would end up here? I didn't, but I wouldn't have it any other way!

Praying and believing for your God moments as well, that more often than not you'll have time where you feel His presence, hear how proud He is of you, and hear His songs of praise over you!

Awakening

"For You and You alone,

Awake my soul, awake my soul and sing

For the world You love

Your will be done, let Your will be done in me"*

I can't believe it is only a few weeks until my big departmental exam for school, man what a journey. I won't be quite done yet, but all the reading, studying, preparing for mid-terms & finals aspect of it will be. This is a journey that has brought its fair share of blood, sweat, and more than an ocean full of tears. I've been reflecting on the process and I can still remember the day I sat on the floor of my room in a house I shared with two of my friends and filled out my application to Amberton... little did I know the door I was about to open and even still I didn't fully step into it until nearly 3 years later. I've loved every minute of it, okay so maybe not every minute, but I do know for a fact that if I had it all to do over again I would.

In the last 24 hours God has revealed big things to me that ties into this journey I've walked. I had a moment over 2 years ago where I nearly froze and gave up. But then I was gently reminded of my capabilities and dream that God laid on my heart and I pressed through. When I say that this has been more than just obtaining a masters degree, I mean that it is WAY more. I never could have imagined what it would take to get to where I am today and I'm so grateful. These last 2 years (2.5 by the time I graduate) I've learned more about patience, love, gratitude, freedom, free-will, sacrifice, and pressing through. I have a fearful joy before me. Fearful in that I know when I walk through that door after graduation life is going to change in a big way and ready or not I have no way to go but forward. Joy in that I've finally finished... I mean this is really a big deal, one that I'm not sure I'll ever find the words for, but pray so daily.

I've seen what God can do with a life, what He has done with mine. For instance, I have an interview scheduled with a mental health facility for teens and children tomorrow for my student internship. The reason this is a big deal is that the last time I stepped into a facility of this kind I was the patient, now I'll be the "counselor." It almost seems a little surreal, but I know it was all a part of God's plan for me. Most often counselors and clinicians don't know the other side of the equation... I consider myself lucky to eventually know both sides.

He's awakened my soul and I don't ever want to go back to sleep for if I do, I only want to awaken in His presence.

"Like the rising sun that shines

Awake my soul, awake my soul and sing

Only You can raise a life

Awake my soul, awake my soul and sing."*

* Awakening, Chris Tomlin