Monday, March 29, 2010

When Grief Breeds Patience

I've spent a lot of time reflecting on this day over the past few weeks. You see, on this day 2 years ago my nephew, Billy, went home to be with Jesus after only being with us here on earth for 5 months. I can still close my eyes and very vividly describe to you how that day played out. I can tell you what I was wearing, where I was, what time I woke up, what my dad said over the phone when he called... every detail I could tell you. It's heartbreaking. When I went to bed last night I asked God if there would ever be a day where I wouldn't remember the fine details so much. I will never forget the tragedy this day brought in 2008, and it would be nice to get to a point where I can share it with others without crying. It was a day that would change my life forever.

So where am I now? Well, I still cry sometimes when I think of Billy, when I struggle to remember what it was like to hold that sweet boy, to know that I never heard him laugh in person... that hurts. But here I am, God chose me to stay here on earth for there is still a purpose to fulfill. Where I'm at now is "patience." It's still a struggle at times, but I'm finding that more often than not I hear God just asking me to be still, to wait on Him, to trust in Him, and to know that at the right time what will be will come to pass. God is good about the timing thing... for Him it's perfect. So I wait and I continue to grow in strength where I once was weak. I continue to be open so that I may be teachable and trust and believe that He hears the cries of my heart and He has not left me alone to figure it all out.

There is so much to be grateful for in spite of what this day brings. When Billy died God called me to something so much bigger. It was time to stop messing around with life and get serious about fighting for His Kingdom. I hate that it took losing my nephew to "get it"... and to be honest losing Billy was just the beginning of this fight/transition. Now here I am, a changed person and somedays I don't even get it. But I guess that's where patience comes into play. As the fog has lifted, as I've been able to rise up from the ashes and see the beauty that remains I find that patience is truly one of the greatest lessons the Father can teach us.

"...being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light." ~ Colossians 1:11-12

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