Tuesday, March 16, 2010

With New Eyes

It's a week and a half shy of the 2 year mark since we lost Billy. I keep wanting to call him Baby Billy, but then I realize he would have been 2-years-old here on earth and not so much a baby anymore. It's a bit surreal sometimes... it seems like a lifetime ago and then there are times when it seems like yesterday. I was hoping to hold off on writing this until that 2-year mark, but God's been working it out in me for the last week or so... I figured maybe I should go ahead and write it out.

Many things have come and gone and changed since March 2008. In fact, if you had told me two years ago that I'd be where I am today I probably would have laughed it off. I guess I didn't realize the strength, independence, and drive that was deep inside of me. Two years ago there were a multitude of things that petrifide me... I was living a life of fear. I had no idea, I didn't know until I walked out my deepest fear and found myself surviving on the other side of it all. I still can't put into words what has happened over the last two years, I try, but it just doesn't translate well right now. I pray it will someday, it's too good to keep hidden inside.

When November 2008 rolled around and the dust finally started to settle a bit, when I was finally able to awaken from the fog I had been living in, I realized I wasn't living a life God had designed for me. I finally started asking Him, "what's next" instead of just assuming, instead of being the one to tell Him. Over time my perspective on life, love, pain, grief, sin, and a number of other things has changed. I feel as though He's given me a new set of eyes in which to see through. Don't misunderstand me now... life is not perfect, I have not figured it out by any means. In fact I sometimes still find myself in deep grief over the loss of my nephew and it breaks my heart to think Nathan will never know Billy this side of Heaven. But I can't control that, God knows the plan... He designed it and I'm good with that.

I used to pray that God would tell me why Billy went home to Heaven so soon. I felt that I "deserved" an answer. Over time my heart changed. God owes me nothing and if I never know, I can trust that He has a plan. Billy's life here on earth has left a legacy that I hope and pray will more than outlive his and his siblings' generation. I pray it is a legacy that reaches beyond more than we could ever hope or imagine. There is a season in which all things come to pass and the timeline is in the hands of the Father.

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