Stop This Train... I Wanna Get Off!

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." ~ Proverbs 3:5-6

It is 19 days into my Make Me Over month and it has not been as I expected... imagine that ;)  It actually started off with a couple of punches to the heart, but as the days have gone on, as the processing continues I find that I'm much stronger than I give myself credit for and I've been pleasantly surprised by the twists and turns that have occurred with "going with the flow."  In fact, my deactivation of Facebook as part of this deal in April has been such a relief that I'm considering carrying that over into May.  We'll see, I'll have a better idea when I get back from Germany on the 6th :)

That's my quick little update for you on how it's going, in case you were wondering.  But the reason for this blog entry is simply the power behind music.  Random, I know, but welcome to my world.  I'm a huge music person, and it's not so much about the music as it is words of the music.  For instance, here are a few song lyrics that have been on repeat in my head over the last 2 1/2 weeks.

"But you went away, how dare you, I miss you.  They say I'll be okay, but I'm not going to, ever get over you." ~ Miranda Lambert, Over You


"He said turn 68, you'll renegotiate, don't stop this train.  Don't for a minute change the place you're in.  Don't think I couldn't ever understand, I tried my hand." ~ John Mayer, Stop this Train


"Like no one would even notice, if you left this town, and never looked back.  You walk outside and all you see is rain, you look inside and all you feel is pain.  You don't know it yet, but down the road the sun is shining, In every cloud there's a silver lining.  Just keep holding on.  And every heartache makes you stronger, but it won't be much longer.  You'll find love, you'll find peace, and the you you're meant to be. I know right now that's not the way you feel, but one day you will."  ~ Someday You Will, Lady Antebellum


Take what you will from what you read, but I think you'd be surprised the work these songs have done on my heart.  In spite of the fact they are all secular songs.  That last one was inspired by an unexpected conversation I had with an old and dear friend this past weekend.  In trying to explain the recent happenings in life, it became very clear that we don't always understand in the moment why things happen and on some occasions we never understand... we just endure and move on.  And unfortunately in the search for answers all we find sometimes are more questions.

I'm loving this season of separation, of revelation, of falling in love, and everything in between.  Which I guess contradicts my title, eh?  I'd be lying if I said I wasn't frustrated, scared, confused, and a little heartbroken over this season, but it has been in the midst of all that I've found a deeper calling, a deeper reason for why I'm here.  In fact it has nothing to do with me, and the further I get into this season, the further I get from my selfish self :)  I don't know what God is up to in this season, but I'm sure glad He brought me here... Praise God for the desert!

"'You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.  I will be found by you,' declares the Lord, 'and will bring you back from captivity.  I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,' declares the Lord, 'and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.'"  ~ Jeremiah 29:13-14

Make Me Over April

"I've been silent instead of speaking up, Gave my advice instead of giving love

I have been unfair, faithless, and unkind, I have shut my eyes just so I would stay blind

It's not what I meant to do, 'cause I want to honor you"*

In the last week of March I hit a spiritual and emotional wall.  I found myself up against a corner, no where to turn, all I could do was look up.  I looked up in the hopes of finally being able to surrender that which I had no control and seek God fully.  I often times find myself hitting walls such as these, but that week in March was pretty bad.  I was exhausted, emotional, and had no desire to "pull myself together."  I put that last part in quotes because I seem to be an expert at pulling myself together, sucking it up, moving on, and forgetting that just as much as my patients, I too need self care.  If there were a support group for people who are notorious for lack of self care, I would be the first to introduce myself... every time.  

"Hi, my name is Cristyn and I struggle to allow me to take care of myself!"

For whatever reason, I seem to think that if I care for myself that means I'm being selfish.  I fail to fully understand what Jesus said in Matthew 22:39: "And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself'"  Oh how I laugh to myself when I think of that verse, not because it's funny, but because I always think of what my dear friend's fiance (soon to be husband) says to her about it.  He has reminded my dear (and very giving) friend that the verse says to "love your neighbor as yourself, not better than yourself" (Shout out Reiner & Paula).  I love that he has told her that and that she in turn has relayed that to me.  It's so true, how in the world can I or anyone else love a someone else as ourself when we are not loving ourselves?

The point I'm getting at dear readers is that this month, this glorious and beautiful month of April is what I call my "Make Me Over" month.  At the end of last week I bought not one, but two Groupons!  That's right, crazy, zany me bought something for myself!!! I bought a month of unlimited Yoga and a couple trips to a sauna.  I've never been to a sauna, should be a fun, little "relaxing" experience.  I'm really excited!!  In addition to that, I cut myself off from social media, or at least that which I'm a part of (Facebook and Pinterest).  It's so easy when there is an App for each on my phone and my phone very rarely leaves my side.  So, knowing I never get on Pinterest on my home computer it made it easy to delete from my phone, and then I just deactivated my FB for the month of April.  I guess if you are one of my readers, and a friend on FB you now know that I have not singled you out and deleted you, but rather I deleted myself.  It's only been 4 days, but let me just say there has been freedom already, plus lots of extra time to spend seeking God and taking care of me.  PLUS, at the end of this month you will find me treating myself to a lovely vaca in Berlin, Germany for one whole week... attending the glorious wedding of aforementioned friend (the one regarding the Bible verse).  

It sounds so weird to say that I'm taking care of myself.  In the past I've just ignored myself, pushed through to the point of getting sick at times.  I'm also guilty of allowing others to take care of me so that I don't have to worry about it (one less thing on my To-Do list, I say).  It's a crazy web we weave inside our heads when we make excuses for taking care of everything and everyone else other than ourselves. We live in a world that says "GIVE, GIVE, GIVE" sometimes and although I'm not an advocate for "TAKE, TAKE, TAKE" all the time, I am a big fan of Give and Take.  

I challenge you friends, spend this month or a month sometime in the near future taking care of yourself, making yourself more of a priority (if that's what you struggle with) and see what happens.  Pamper yourself!  Girls, go out with your girlfriends for manicures and/or pedicures, or a spa day.  Guys, go out with your dude friends to a sporting event, or a rousing game of Top Golf (is that even a game?).  Whatever you do, do it for you, and be sure to tell me all about it later! ;-)

Just know that as long as God is moving in me and speaking to my heart, you'll find out about it here on Blogger... most of the time.

Blessings,

C

"Make me over, make me new, Make me a mirror, a reflection of you

Take me all apart, take me to your heart and pull me closer, sweet Savior, make me over

I am only made of your imagining, I'm dust and clay on the wind

Wash me in the river of your sacrifice, Until I'm changed, purified"*

*Make Me Over by Natalie Grant

Four Years...

"Then I saw 'a new heaven and a new earth,' for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea.  I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband.  And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, 'Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God.  He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.'”

"He who was seated on the throne said, 'I am making everything new!' Then he said, 'Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.'

He said to me: 'It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To the thirsty I will give water without cost from the spring of the water of life.'" ~ Revelation 21:1-6

My Sweet Billy,

It has been four years since you went home to Jesus.  Four years since I read that scripture from Revelation at your Memorial Service, man how I wish I never would have had that experience.  At the same time, I was most honored to stand up and read from God's word in remembrance of your sweet life.  Some days it seems like quite a bit of time since I last saw and held you and then other days it seems like it was just yesterday that you were here.  So much has happened in 4 years.  I finished grad school, your Mommy and Daddy brought two more boys into this world, and have returned to Colorado Springs.  Your big sister, Avery is a kindergartner. I know you would've loved the stories she shares about school, her teacher, and classmates.  I see so much of her in you when I look at your picture.  I even see some of your little brothers, Nathan and Jared.  God has been so good to send us little reminders of you here on earth through the love and expressions of your siblings.  It doesn't make me miss you any less, but it does remind me that you are safe in the arms of Jesus and that now I'm four years closer to seeing you in Heaven some day.  

You are loved sweet boy and remembered with great joy.  Sometimes I look at the pictures your Mommy sends me of your siblings and I imagine where you might be standing in the picture, what you might look like, and although it sounds crazy to some it helps me to never forget you and the precious family you were a part of here on earth.  You will always be my nephew, you will always be your mommy and daddy's first boy, Avery's first little brother, and big brother to Nathan and Jared.  I look forward to the day that Nathan and Jared ask more questions and understand more about where you are.  One thing I wish I had an answer for is why.  But we trust God in His plans and in His time.  Maybe He just needed you more with Him than He believed we needed you here with us.  

I miss you and I love you.  Thank you for giving me the honor and privilege of being your Aunt Cristyn, 5 months on earth, and forever in eternity.

XOXO,

Aunt Cristyn

Strip Me... What Will You Find?

People Magazine does it every year...

They dedicate an issue specifically to those they name "Most Beautiful People," and while all those featured are indeed beautiful, I can't help but ask, what are the requirements?  What is People Magazine looking for when they search out the "Most Beautiful People?" As far as I can tell, I see what is on the outside as being the primary requirement.  What do I have to negate that? What do I have to keep me realistic about what is beautiful...

God's Word:

"The Lord does not look at the things man looks at.  Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." ~ 1 Samuel 16:7


This is not a post dogging on People Magazine, in fact, I am a fan of the magazine.  It seems to be the closest to mixing celebrity and reality over any other celeb focused magazine out there.  What this post is about, however, is encouraging others to think about how they portray themselves, to think about how they would define beautiful.  If you're a parent, what are you teaching your kids about true beauty? If you're a teacher, an aunt, an uncle, a grandparent, and so on and so forth.  We all have the opportunity to impact the world we live in, the people we come in contact with everyday.  So I encourage you dear reader to keep reading... stand up, and join me in helping to change the way our society views "beautiful" and the path we are setting up for future generations.  Stand with me to get the word out this week during National Eating Disorder Awareness Week for Everybody Knows Somebody.  If you don't know someone, you do now.

Hi, my name is Cristyn and I've been walking in recovery from Anorexia Nervosa for 11 years.  My struggle started at the young age of 12 and continued until I was 19.  Six and a half years hidden under a dark cloud, in a depression, thinking my true identity laid in what the scale said, how much my hip bones stuck out, and how much faster I could run when my number dropped.  Now here I am 30, passionate to fight the fight to make a difference in what future generations see as "beautiful."

Did you know?*
- Only 1 in 10 men and women seek treatment for an eating disorder.
- Up to 24 million of all ages and genders suffer from an eating disorder (anorexia, bulimia, and binge eating disorder)
- Eating Disorders have the highest mortality rate of any other mental illness
- Anorexia is the third most common chronic illness in adolescents
- An estimated 10-15% of people with anorexia or bulimia are male
- The body type portrayed in advertising as the ideal is possessed naturally by only 5% of American females

Here's me all made up for a photo shoot:

And while a lot of credit goes to the make-up artist who did my make-up and the super talented photographer who captured this moment of me.... I still, at the end of the day, go home wipe off my face and what I'm left with is what I have deep down inside me.  My heart I would hope speaks much louder than my face, my clothes, my hair, and even the shoes on my feet.


Here is me au naturale:

And yes, I have this ridiculous vein that pops out of the middle of my forehead and I'm not really sure why.  I just noticed it a couple years ago and over time I've come to embrace it as part of my natural beauty and unique look.  

One of the things I'm doing this week to help represent and embrace natural beauty is take part in the campaign, Barefaced and Beautiful, Without and Within through The Renfrew Center Foundation.  I hope that you'll join me in partaking in even something small to help raise a voice for the awareness of eating disorders.  

Although I may not be the most eloquent writer/speaker and I may not have penned a book (yet), I ask that you share this with the circle of people you are in relationship with.  Family, Friends, Church Community, Co-workers, and even strangers that follow you on Twitter or FB.  Let's be a part of something great that could change the world for generations to come!  I may only be one voice in a million, but I refuse to let anyone take that from me.

*Taken from National Association of Anorexia and Associated Disorders, Inc. (2012)

Beauty...From Ashes!!

My first thought at my life 6 months ago was this...

Oh, but after a while into those 6 months that illustration seemed a tad bit dramatic and I realized it was more like this...

And the funny thing is, the second one seems more poetic.  It's as if it represents God holding my life in His hands... or at least what initially felt like my life a few months ago.  

You see, life threw me an unexpected curve ball, much like it has in the past.  I realized things were not as they had seemed but what I found was a beauty yet to be discovered.  Often times in the past when life has thrown me curve balls I've allowed myself to get angry, to wallow, to sit and ask myself "what did I do, why this when it all seemed so good?"  And not that there is anything wrong with those feelings, but for me I would stay in that darkness for longer than I needed to.  But this time was different, it just felt like it had to be.  I'm not sure if because of the life experience before, or because I was already in the midst of a self-seeking journey.  I always already in the midst of hungering at a deeper level than ever before for the love of my Heavenly Father, to know Him at a grander scale, more intimately than ever.  I realized that those I've leaned on for so long for direction and advice need not necessarily be replaced, but most definitely not my first resource in the midst of struggle.  I was using others as a quick fix for a larger problem, a way to fix the wound at a much faster pace than what God had planned.  My heart continues to hunger at a deeper level than I've ever known and I hope and pray that I will never lose that hunger.  Should it wane I pray to continue to surround myself by a magnificent cloud of witnesses (Hebrews 12:1).  That I would not be allowed to turn my back on God, but gently reminded of the love He has always shown me.

Over the last 26 weeks (6 months, 2 weeks) God's word has come alive like never before... words that I wrote years ago regarding Hope Deferred suddenly rings true once again and guides my heart back to the verse that inspired it...

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." ~ Proverbs 13:12

And then there is the verse that I was gently reminded of during a season that lasted a mere 10.5 months...

"An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up." ~ Proverbs 12:25

So much truth lies in that one sentence and so many others that come alive when I open God's word.  I long to be that person that brings others a kind word, a loving word... it's part of the reason I chose to become a counselor.  I realized soon into those 6 months of darkness that coming out of it couldn't take the length of time it has taken in the past.  I didn't want it to.  I have longed to see God's hand in the unexpected, to continue to believe in the unbelievable, to trust that the impossible truly is possible.  It has been in the last week where that clarity has finally shown through once again.  The beauty is finally arising from the ashes of what was, or what could have been.

For me this picture represents that... I believe that within the life of a butterfly is a lovely story yet to be told.  What once was a fuzzy and possibly not the most attractive caterpillar, is now a gorgeous, fluttery butterfly.  No longer having to inch along on so many legs, but now it is nearly weightless and able to fly to parts never reached before.  What a beautiful story of redemption! 

Beauty is arising from the ashes, and not a physical beauty, but rather an inner beauty I've kept hidden from myself and from the world for much too long.  The time has come to let that girl arise, the one that was silenced nearly 20 years ago.  I find my days spent thanking God for the journey I've walked, for the wisdom I've gained for the truth of His love for me.  

"There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off." ~ Proverbs 23:18

Some Assembly Required, Manual Not Included

"But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light." ~ 1 Peter 2:9


It is hard for me to wrap my mind around the idea of being "chosen."  God chose me... He chose you... He chose us.  That's a very hard truth for me to fully grasp sometimes.  I look at my life, I look at my failures, I look at the times I've disappointed the people I love and care about and still... He chose me? Really?!? Why???  For nothing more than He simply loves me, loves you, loves us.  Now that is a truth I can cling onto.  And sometimes, that's all I have, or at least it seems that way.  When the darkness of life falls on me, when the harsh truth that this world is not what God intends for Heaven strikes a chord with me, I cling to His love.

But how do we find rest in His love when all this world often does is throw busyness at us, and a million different reasons to feel unsettled or unloved?  My belief, at least from my own life is the realization that we are constantly being built, or altered, or stretched/challenged.  God does not intend to keep us the way we were when He first created us.  As we grow in love, in life, in experiences, we are changing.  We come with so many different parts.  Parts we don't notice when we first open the box that is our life and personality, some parts we burn out and have to replace with the same part but a newer model.  Sometimes as we grow we find that some parts that fit well for awhile no longer fit us, we are ready for something more advanced or more challenging.  But what doesn't come with these parts, what is not included as we form into all God has intended us to be is a manual.  Yes, we have His word and I am a firm believer that part of its purpose is to guide us through this life here on earth.  But what about the times when you can't see past your own wall of tears?  What then?  Broken hearts don't have a manual with a step by step explanation of how to become whole again.  How to survive the unexpected loss of a loved one has no A, B, C connect the dots relief.

My belief is it is a combination of things that create that manual.  First, is God's word, for there is so much healing hidden in His word.  Words that I may never have found if my heart hadn't been broken so many times, if I hadn't had that experience of losing my nephew when I least expected it.... and quite possibly if I hadn't tried to destroy my own body.  I thank God that He is using His word to repair my heart and to shout out His love for me when I don't quite understand why He chose me.  Secondly, is time.  One of the greatest things I've heard in my adult life is that "time is your best friend."  It's so true, as impatient as I can get sometimes, I look back on my life and I think "Praise God all it took was some time."  I'm in one of those moments right now, I look back on the last 6 months of my life and it's been hard, but not my hardest season of life.  It has been an opportunity filled with disappointment from man, but filled with new understanding and deeper love for my Heavenly Father.  It has been time to reflect over the years before and see where I am not trusting God and where I'm trying so hard to do the work alone, by my own strength.

I don't know where I'm headed, I know where I'd like to be, but I'm finding where I want to be and where God wants me to be doesn't always add up to "where I'm headed."  I look forward to the continued assembling of my life through the hands of the King.  I look forward to not knowing how to assemble or what the manual says.  I look forward to creating it as the Lord best sees fit.  I look forward to growing closer to the One who chose little 'ole me.

"He's in Heaven...with Jeos"

A few weeks ago I had the honor and privilege of hanging out with some of my favorite people... my sister, her hubby, and their three beautiful children, in Colorado Springs, CO.  Each night I would help put my niece and nephews to bed and part of that privilege is snuggling with my 5-year-old niece, Avery in her bed for a bit as well as with my 2-year-old nephew, Nathan in his bed.  One of my last nights visiting them in Colorado Nathan and I had finished praying and we were just chatting.  I'm not sure of the exact context, but we got to talking about his big brother, Billy (who passed away of SIDS in March 2008).  I asked Nathan if he knew who Billy was and he shook his head "yes."  I then asked him if he knew where Billy was.  Nathan answered very confident-like with, "Yeah, he's in Heaven, with Jeos [Jesus]."  The way he sounded so confident just blew me away.  I knew that my sister and brother-in-law share many stories about Billy and celebrate him on his birthday here on earth as well the day God called him home, but I was still taken by surprise by how much Nathan "knew."  I realize he is only 2 and may not fully comprehend, but I look forward to the day that he understands more.  He knows that he'll see his brother once again, and although I would have loved to see them grow up together, I put my trust in what God ultimately has planned.

The reason I share this story is because I've been spending a lot of time thinking about what I'm doing with my life and the path that God has called me down.  I had a friend lovingly question my motives for wanting to move to Colorado to be closer to my sister and wanting to spend so much time focusing on helping (and ultimately being on staff) with SIDS America.  I love that she did, because it got me thinking seriously about my heart and my intentions.  I thought about it all last night, this morning when I woke up, this morning during my run in the rain, and now I'm writing it out.  It's because of Avery, Nathan, and Jared (my sister's 3 kids here on Earth).  It's because they won't get to know their brother this side of Heaven, but yet they know who he is.  I want to spend my days working with grieving families so I don't forget where my family has been and what God has/is bringing us out of.  I want to sit with these families for however long it takes because I longed for someone to sit with me during my grief over losing my nephew nearly 4 years ago.  I want to give back in a subject that is barely touched both in the church and outside the church.  The career I've chosen is difficult for some to understand, I get that.  There are plenty of other things I would not be good at, but that's why God created people who are.  I feel called to do what I do, I trust that God gives me the strength to be the compassionate, caring, and loving person I need to be for my patients.  Plus I love talking and hearing about peoples lives, the good, the bad, and the ugly.

So why are my eyes fixed on a move to Colorado and being a part of something new and amazing in SIDS America?  Because there is a love, a patience, a compassion burning deep inside my heart. So much so that if I ignore it I feel like I'm ignoring God.

"The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing... Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever." ~ Psalm 23:1,6