The Capacity to Love

"My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"

~ Matthew 27:46

Some days she wonders why, what's the point?  How is it that to love with such a big love could bring so much pain?  Is it the calm before the storm, are the winds about to change?  If so then why does it hurt to breathe sometimes?  How could a fear so big sneak up so quickly and how could at the drop of a hat a wall go up so big and so strong that not even faith and hope could knock it down?  How is it that the ones who claim to love only walk away like nothing ever happened? Where and when does the healing come in?  Does it come with the beginning of a new day, a new month, a new year, a new season of life?  Does it come with taking a chance, a risk that seems to make no sense whatsoever but appears to be the last ounce of hope? 

When can she begin to open her heart again?  To begin to feel again, to love, to laugh, to not hurt so deeply?  Where do you begin to fix what seems to be permanently cracked?  How do you carry on when all your holding onto is a piece of thread?  How do you begin to fulfill that capacity to love again?

It's Braggin' Time!

So you my dear readers have heard stories here and there of all the precious little ones in my life and that fill every single inch of my heart.  To date I'm up to 8 nieces and nephews and oh how my heart just gushes with the addition of every one of them.  Let's take a trip down memory lane shall we...

Meet Avery Elizabeth Darnell born March 9, 2006, 

Avery added the job title of "aunt" to my life and oh how excited I was when she was born! Now at the age of 3 she is so beautiful with her long blond hair and blue eyes.  She is smart and funny... basically what you think of when you think "Rohloff" ; )

Then in August 2006 my brother, Bill got married and we added 3 older kids to our family... I introduce to you Hailey (age 15), Niko (age 13), & Makenna (age 10)...

They are such wonderful kids and such a welcome addition to our family.  Hailey is beautiful and artistic, her talent amazes me everyday.  Niko is funny and polite, he is very respectful to his elders even when not respecting his sisters : P  and Makenna, well Makenna reminds me a lot of myself at her age and it brings such joy to see how active, cheerful, and compassionate she is.

Then came 2007 and not only did we receive news that Avery would be a big sister, but also Hailey, Niko, and Makenna were having a little sibling as well.  That's right, both my sister and sister-in-law were pregnant.  We weren't expecting Bill & Denise's (my brother & sister-in-law) little one till early 2008, but he had other plans...  

May I introduce to you William Thomas Darnell, Jr. aka "Billy" (born November 1, 2007) and William August Rohloff  aka "Will" (born November 17, 2007)...

Then March 2008 came and a few weeks after Avery turned 2 our family was thrown a curve ball when Baby Billy at 5 months passed away in his sleep of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS), it has been a heartbreaking and healing 13 months for my family, below is one of the last pictures I have of sweet Billy.  He was such a joyful and content baby, he loved playing with Avery and would always laugh at whatever craziness she was up to.  She loved and adored her "B" with all her heart... he forever lives in ours!

And Will is our little Energizer Bunny at 17-months, you would never believe this little guy came at 33 weeks gestation and was only 4 pounds, 3 ounces.  He never stops moving, he gives the sweetest hugs and kisses and believes that by pressing your nose and saying "beep" you'll let him down like an elevator.  I'm in the process of teaching him to say "Aunt Cristyn" he's got the syllables, just not the annunciation part quite yet...

Now we are in 2009 and Denise and Cheryl did it again, they got pregnant at the same time... first came Brock Corbin Rohloff (Denise's youngest, brother to Hailey, Niko, Makenna, & Will) on February 3, 2009...

Brock is the polar opposite of his older brother, Will.  He may be the most mellow child I've ever known.  He's quite the cuddler and at 2-months he has red hair that stands out in a crowd. I may be a little biased, but he is absolutely adorable and is going to have to fight the ladies off with a stick someday (figuratively of course)!

And then on March 25, 2009 just 4 days shy of his older brother's 1st birthday in Heaven, Nathan Ryan Darnell joined our family and God continues to heal our hearts through the presence of this sweet little one.  It is such a joy to be a part of this little guy's life and I cannot wait to see how God is going to use him here on earth...

Oh how blessed I am indeed.  My cup indeed overflows with love, laughter, and joy consistently. I look forward to watching the little ones grow and I look forward to walking life with them and encouraging and cheering them along the way.  What a joy to be an aunt to 8 precious children... at this point of my life I can't think of a better job title to have.  

God Bless and Good Night!

Do You Even Know Me Anymore?

"...you don't even know who I am anymore,

You're a million miles away,

Though I see you everyday.

And I've been waiting right here,

Over all these years

And sometimes I get so lonely,

I need to know you love me,

But do you even know me anymore?"*

I'm in the shadows, I'm a part of your shadow

I'm in the wind that breezes past you

I'm in the trees, the sky, the rain, the clouds, the hills, the mountains

I'm in it all, I created it all

I'm beyond the place where you meet me at

I'm here long after love has gone away

I'm more than a symbol of death

I'm in your sacrifice

But I'll stand here and wait for as long as it takes

I've never left you, however you have chosen to walk away from me

All that you search for can't be found here

I.....Love.....You

Do you even know who you are anymore?

I'll wait...

"And I don't even know who I am anymore.

God I'm praying through the tears,

Let me make up all these years.

Oh have I waited too long?

Can I start again?

To be the man You've wanted of me.

I'm begging You to show me,

But do You even know me anymore?"*

*Do You Even Know Me Anymore (2003) Mark Schultz

Have You Heard?

I have a new nephew.  His name is Nathan Ryan and he's just awesome and cute!  I guess somewhere along the way as he grows up I'll have to start calling him handsome instead of cute, but until then...

His birthday is March 25, 2009... he came at the perfect time and is such a gift to my family.  A year ago I don't think any of us would have expected such a wonderful blessing from the Lord, but He is a good God, a God who redeems and heals and now here we are.

Nathan has a big sister, Avery who is now 3 (she just had a birthday too) and she is so good to him.   She loves reading to him and hugging and kissing him.  She's not too fond of sharing him, but she will for she is compassionate and understanding.  When he cries she will be the first to try to calm him down with "it's okay Nathan, it's okay."  She's a great big sister, and I'm not gonna lie, her Mommy is the best of the best in this area...

Nathan has a big brother as well.  Billy preceded us to Heaven.  We miss him very much, but we'll see him at the right time.  I wonder sometimes if Nathan and Billy already met.  After all God knows us before we are even conceived.  We are all created out of His image and knit together within our mother's womb.  I hope the boys got to play before Nathan made his entrance into our world... maybe that's why he waited a couple of days past his due date to meet us.  Nathan is such a wonderful gift and blessing and when I look at his sweet (handsome) face I see a little bit of both his sister and his brother.  I look forward to watching Nathan grow up and seeing how God uses him to advance the Kingdom.  What an amazing testimony this little boy is and what a treasure.

365 Days Ago...

... things changed, life changed, my perspective of life and God changed when my worst fear came true.  I always feared losing one of my nieces or nephews, and then my fear became a reality at 10am on Saturday, March 29, 2008.  That was the day that my nephew Billy went home to be with Jesus... completely without warning.

He was only 5 months old, none of it made sense... at the time.  There are still moments that I have where I want a complete and detailed explanation from the Lord, but I realize that may have to wait until I see Him face to face.  However, I've seen glimpses of hope in the last year, I've seen God's hand as He has used Billy's death to show me life.  Billy's death was only a part of the puzzle that was God's pruning and beginning to move me from where I was to where I needed to be.  I've never felt more pain and loss than I did in 2008.  With the number of good-byes (not just by death, but by life changes) I had I really didn't see how I was going to get through it and make it to the other side.

But here I am, barely standing with the scars to prove it.  Then I close my eyes and in a flash I remember everything that got me here.  I remember falling to my knees the moment my dad called to say Billy wasn't breathing, I remember sitting stone faced when my brother hugged me and told me Billy didn't make it.  I remember wanting to start walking to Colorado, anything to get to my sister... she needed me.  I remember wanting to do anything to bring that sweet boy back here with our family.  I remember watching in amazement and awe as my sister and her husband stood before family and friends to minister the hope and joy that came from Baby Billy's life at his memorial service.  I remember coming back home and watching as everyone else kept moving forward with their lives and feeling as though I was stuck in the mud.  

As I remember it gives me strength to move forward and to not stay stuck... that is a revelation I only came to this week.  You see I miss Billy, immensely, but I don't miss the person I was before his death.  People told me this would change me and I didn't believe them.  However as I look back on the last year I see nothing but change... I had to.  God had no intention of keeping me where I was or who I was and for that I'm extremely grateful.  Now don't get me wrong, there are definitely feelings I miss having from last year, but I don't miss the year, I don't miss the person I was.  I feel as though I'm finally learning to stop living in the past and trying to re-create what was, but rather learning to embrace the here and now and fully grasping all God has for my future.  

Before Billy died I was definitely intimidated by others, I was a chameleon willing to change and adapt according to what pleased others.  I wasn't me and I hadn't been for a long time.  It was subtle things, but enough for me to look back and realize it was not me.  I wanted so much to make everyone around me happy and be the girl they needed me to be that somewhere along the way I kinda forgot the girl I needed to be... period!  So as the last year has progressed I've grown back into the girl I was called to be.  I picked up the dream I kept brushing under the rug and I'm running with it... in a little less than 2 months I'll have 9 classes left before I graduate with my Masters in Counseling... it's amazing and scary and fun all at the same time.  I've faced lots of opposition in this area and I love that I continue to push through and I'm starting to see God's hand in it all.  I now look in the mirror and I see a girl full of life, fun, joy, talent, intelligence, compassion, craziness, and sometimes a little sadness.  I feel every emotion and I don't care anymore.  I'm tired of shutting myself down and out so that everyone else around me is comfortable.  What is comfortable?  And since when am I the responsible party for comfortableness?  

Life is uncomfortable at times and I think those are the times where we grow and learn how to adapt.  God has a crazy sense of humor and for that I'm grateful, because otherwise I would probably still be the scared, timid, little girl hiding inside the awesomeness which is the woman I'm called to be.  

All this to say, my life did indeed change 365 days ago and as much as I hate and still grieve over what happened, I'm grateful for where it got me.  Instead of hunkering down and hiding from life I decided to take it head on and I'm able to see all the beauty that has come with it, and I've been able to see God's hand in the testimonies that have resulted from the lives changed.  

I look forward to seeing my Billy in Heaven someday, but until I do I praise God for what He's doing in my life and in the lives around me.  Billy left his mark here with us and I look forward to see how it grows as the years go by. 

You See... There Were These Ducks...

My brother stumbled upon a new friend in my parent's backyard on Saturday, March 29, 2008...

... that was the day Baby Billy went home to be with Jesus

And then today, Wednesday, March 25, 2009 my brother discovered in my parent's backyard these little friends...

... today is the day that Baby Nathan was born

Coincidence?? I don't think so...

"Blessed be Your Name in the land that is plentiful

Where your dreams of abundance flow

Blessed Be Your Name

Every blessing you pour out I'll turn back to praise

When the darkness closes in Lord

Still I will say

Blessed Be the Name of the Lord

Blessed Be Your Name

You give and you take away

You give and you take away

My heart will choose to say

Lord blessed be Your name"

~ Blessed Be Your Name, Matt Redman

After the Good-Bye... Then What?

I've been listening to Rascal Flatts' newest single endlessly in the last week or so.  It is a sad song and I'm not sure what continues to draw me to it... until this morning.  I heard it again on my way to work this morning and the chorus struck a chord in me.  

"Here comes goodbye

Here comes the last time

Here comes the start of every sleepless night

the first of every tear I'm gonna cry

Here comes the pain

Here comes me wishin things had never changed and she [he] 

was right here in my arms tonight

Here comes goodbye"

~ Rascal Flatts "Here Comes Goodbye" 2009

All of a sudden it hit me why this song ran so deep in me.  The first few times I heard it the picture I imagined with the words was the scene of a break-up between a couple.  But then I thought, what if instead of "here comes goodbye" it actually means "here comes hello."  I know this point of view may seem heartless and cold, but stay with me here.  

When I heard this song this morning I started to reverse the words & started to think about what if in the times we say "goodbye" we are actually saying "hello" to something else.  For instance, when a father gives his daughter to the man she is to marry at her wedding.  The daughter is thereby saying goodbye to her father, and hello to the man who will guide her and protect all the rest of her life.  

I guess for me I suddenly realized that with all the goodbyes that I had to say in 2008 I may have actually been saying hello to a completely new life, a new me (or rather the old me I haven't been in several years), and a new outlook.  My hardest goodbye came with the death of my 5-month-old nephew, Billy nearly a year ago.  In the last few weeks/months I've been trying new things, most of the time not thinking twice about whether or not I "could" do or if I would even like it... the thing is I tried.  And that little boy pushes me beyond more than I could ever imagine.  

Tonight for instance I was rock climbing and so frustrated with myself on a certain course & continuously telling myself that I "couldn't" do it.  Until I hit my breaking point and then I closed my eyes and all I could see was Billy's sweet smile in my minds eye.  I was reminded that although he is up in Heaven living the greatest life any of us could ever imagine, there are still the experiences we have here that he will not get to participate in.  I realize that he was too young to try rock climbing (learning to walk first always helps), but it was the symbolization behind it all.  I see that boy's face in pictures and videos and I praise God that he never knew fear or pain or suffering as we do.  So, I take chances, I explore new things and the old things I loved before but haven't embarked on in a while.  I take on challenges and I learn to stand for what I believe in and who I am.  I fight against the fear that keeps me held back and I remember that I already survived my greatest fear... and that was losing Billy (or any of my nieces or nephews for that matter).

I encourage you, take a chance... find the things that you never knew you would love, write down your experiences... after all what you find could be absolutely amazing.

**side note**

Before writing this post, I did a little online research and found the music video for the song mentioned at the beginning.  The video actually has nothing to do with a break-up, but rather having to say goodbye to a loved one.  The women in the video is saying goodbye to her father who died, and buried next to him is her son who passed away beforehand.  The father (grandfather) asks the little boy what it's like... his response... "there are no more goodbyes."