Monday, March 2, 2009

Learning to be Cristyn...

"Suppose I said
I am on my best behavior
And there are times
I lose my worried mind
Would you want me when I'm not myself?
Wait it out while I am someone else?
Suppose I said
Colors change for no good reason
And words will go
From poetry to prose
Would you want me when I'm not myself?
Wait it out while I am someone else?
And I, in time, will come around
I always do for you
Suppose I said
You're my saving grace"
~ John Mayer "Not Myself"

This is a very well known song by a very well known musician.  It has also been running through my head for weeks now.  There is a lot of focus for me on me right now.  Not in a selfish way, but more in a self discovery kind of way.  I haven't felt like myself for about 3 years now.  I suppose some of you are surprised by that and might be wondering about the girl you've met (if you've met me in the last 3 years).  I guess after everything that 2008 brought I finally realized how short life is and we truly only get one time to make a first impression.  I want to present myself for who I truly am, not a chameleon.  I don't want to hide behind a mask, I don't want to change my colors to impress those who may only be in my life for a season.  I guess what I'm trying to say is I want to be the person God created me to be (crazy, sarcastic, intelligent, pretty, talented, singer, dancer, writer, counselor, etc.) from the moment I tell some "hello" to the moment I say "good-bye."

At the same time I want people to take me as I am, even in the moments (or seasons) where I'm not myself.  In those moments where I spontaneously decide that it is time for a hair change and I cut it all off (like now), or when I can't stop crying because I feel there is just too much pain in my heart for me to fully comprehend, or the moments where I can't stop laughing at something so completely stupid that I may be the only one laughing.  I want to know that when I jump on a stage to have a "dance off" with some stranger that I can do it without noticing anyone else in the room (which I have done).  I want to know that at the end of the day, when all the decisions have been made and there is no turning back that there is always going to be someone waiting to greet me.  I want to know that there will always be that one person who will forever have a little faith in me, no matter what.

There is still a lot of self discovery for me about me and still a lot of regrets and brokenness to work through, but I'm choosing to take a leap.  Who knows, I might find something amazing and someone I forgot even existed.  It's about time I got back to being Cristyn, and not someone else.  After all, I've only got one chance to do it right. 

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