After the Good-Bye... Then What?

I've been listening to Rascal Flatts' newest single endlessly in the last week or so.  It is a sad song and I'm not sure what continues to draw me to it... until this morning.  I heard it again on my way to work this morning and the chorus struck a chord in me.  

"Here comes goodbye

Here comes the last time

Here comes the start of every sleepless night

the first of every tear I'm gonna cry

Here comes the pain

Here comes me wishin things had never changed and she [he] 

was right here in my arms tonight

Here comes goodbye"

~ Rascal Flatts "Here Comes Goodbye" 2009

All of a sudden it hit me why this song ran so deep in me.  The first few times I heard it the picture I imagined with the words was the scene of a break-up between a couple.  But then I thought, what if instead of "here comes goodbye" it actually means "here comes hello."  I know this point of view may seem heartless and cold, but stay with me here.  

When I heard this song this morning I started to reverse the words & started to think about what if in the times we say "goodbye" we are actually saying "hello" to something else.  For instance, when a father gives his daughter to the man she is to marry at her wedding.  The daughter is thereby saying goodbye to her father, and hello to the man who will guide her and protect all the rest of her life.  

I guess for me I suddenly realized that with all the goodbyes that I had to say in 2008 I may have actually been saying hello to a completely new life, a new me (or rather the old me I haven't been in several years), and a new outlook.  My hardest goodbye came with the death of my 5-month-old nephew, Billy nearly a year ago.  In the last few weeks/months I've been trying new things, most of the time not thinking twice about whether or not I "could" do or if I would even like it... the thing is I tried.  And that little boy pushes me beyond more than I could ever imagine.  

Tonight for instance I was rock climbing and so frustrated with myself on a certain course & continuously telling myself that I "couldn't" do it.  Until I hit my breaking point and then I closed my eyes and all I could see was Billy's sweet smile in my minds eye.  I was reminded that although he is up in Heaven living the greatest life any of us could ever imagine, there are still the experiences we have here that he will not get to participate in.  I realize that he was too young to try rock climbing (learning to walk first always helps), but it was the symbolization behind it all.  I see that boy's face in pictures and videos and I praise God that he never knew fear or pain or suffering as we do.  So, I take chances, I explore new things and the old things I loved before but haven't embarked on in a while.  I take on challenges and I learn to stand for what I believe in and who I am.  I fight against the fear that keeps me held back and I remember that I already survived my greatest fear... and that was losing Billy (or any of my nieces or nephews for that matter).

I encourage you, take a chance... find the things that you never knew you would love, write down your experiences... after all what you find could be absolutely amazing.

**side note**

Before writing this post, I did a little online research and found the music video for the song mentioned at the beginning.  The video actually has nothing to do with a break-up, but rather having to say goodbye to a loved one.  The women in the video is saying goodbye to her father who died, and buried next to him is her son who passed away beforehand.  The father (grandfather) asks the little boy what it's like... his response... "there are no more goodbyes." 

Ladies & Gentlemen, I Would Like to Introduce...

Ms. Independent

I single handedly assembled a desk this weekend.  Not just any desk, but one complete with 13 shelves... it looks great (not to brag or anything, but hey a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do). But wait, there's more... see, I not only assembled my desk and designed the placement of books, pictures, etc, but I also framed my story (that was featured in my hometown newspaper 4 years ago) as well as designed the decor that is above my bed.  I took cards that I bought months ago that have quotes on them, framed them and hung them strategically placed above my bed.  I was so proud to see what I had accomplished today, almost to the point of tears.  I guess it comes down the fact that I am a huge dreamer, I have so many big dreams that feeling like they may not be obtainable makes me reach and stretch that much more to achieve them.  However, almost a year ago I allowed some of those dreams to die, not in the sense of giving them to God but in the sense of allowing the enemy steal them... and others.  

Right now I look up from my newly assembled desk and on the left I see the story that helped me achieve what is on the right (my degree from SMU).  If you look down and to the right you see my growing collection of counseling textbooks which are guiding me towards my next big dream.  Sometimes I forget what I'm fighting for, what I'm working towards and what I'm dreaming about, but then I take a step back and I see all that God is doing even when I don't feel His presence.  I miss the days when I exuded His love, these days it takes everything I have in me to remember that He is right beside me, fighting for me, and dreaming all the way.  

I feel as though life stopped about this time last year, God picked me up to turn me in a completely different direction, however I'm not sure He has planted my feet back on the ground.  I see my feet moving, but I don't see me going anywhere... until recently.  I'm proud of the woman I'm becoming.  I'm proud that I'm learning to stand my ground, learning what I love, who I love, and the things that make me happy.  I'm proud that I'm finally after all these years of talking about emotions, learning to actually feel them and allow myself to.  I'm proud that I'm no longer limiting myself, but rather I'm allowing big dreams to grow inside me and trusting that God will prune me and guide me towards the direction I should go.  

So you see, I'm Ms. Independent which is right where I should be...

A Little Female Perspective

Dear Readers,

I'm really going out on a limb tonight as I'm usually not the one to give relationship advice or share from a female perspective.  I'm not one for controversy so usually I hide away or change the subject altogether.  However, as I was sharing with a guy friend of mine the other night it got me to thinking that maybe just maybe it would help if I shared with the male species what exactly is going on in the female species mind after a break-up.  Bear with me here as I have a feeling this might bring a flood of comments.

I'm not sure where to begin other than to share the context of my conversation with my friend (we'll call him Freddie so as to protect the innocent).  We were hanging out the other night and I asked Freddie if it was weird after he and his girlfriend of over a year broke up and she cut off all communication (i.e. asked him not to contact her and expressed that she did not want to be friends).  He said "yes" and so I then asked if he thought that my former boyfriend thought I was weird when I did the same thing... and again he responded with "yes."  Man did that cut deep into my heart.  I never want anyone to think I'm weird (although I totally am, but that's for another blog) or to hurt anyone by protecting myself (which is what I'm getting to).  So I've been thinking about it a lot as the week has progressed and I realized that males and females just see things differently (no I did not just figure that out), process things differently, and most definitely protect ourselves differently.

So here is my point with all this...

A.  If a girl (or guy) stops responding to you, put yourself in their shoes.  Whether they were the breaker or breakee (in the relationship) give them some space, understand that all your conversations after having dated will be different.  Chances are he or she may not be able to deal with the pain after hanging up the phone each time the conversation ends with "well, I guess I'll talk to you later" instead of "I love you and I'll talk to you tomorrow."

B.  Don't ever tell someone you broke up with that you hope to see them around or talk to them soon unless you genuinely mean it.  It does not help the broken hearted as it actually comes across as "hope" for something that may not be resurrected.

C.  Recognize that if you have exchanged the "I love you" phrase and then take it back (as in "I don't love you anymore") it's probably going to take some time for the other person to learn to stop loving you.  Therefore, if they say they don't love you either or they can't express that to you right now (if there is talk of a second chance) they are probably lying to you to protect themselves and not look like a fool.

All this to say, give the other person some space.  If God resurrects the relationship as a friendship, recognize that it will not be the same and it won't be easy, especially if no friendship was established initially (i.e. you met and then started dating right away).  If He doesn't, then don't label them, they're not weird, they are completely normal just broken and confused and trying to work through their own emotions.  

Please recognize that I by no means apply this to every situation.  After all each situation is different and sometimes a friendship may work out just fine.  I share this to hopefully put a different perspective on it.  Please don't send me hate mail, I'm no expert, just a girl trying to figure it all out myself. 

Thanks for listening, I hope it helped.

~ C

In the Most Unlikely of Places

"He... gives grace to the humble" ~ Proverbs 3:34

God speaks to me in the most unlikely places these days.  Unlikely in the sense that I'm usually not expecting it.  Everywhere I've been looking to feel His presence and hear His voice has proven nothing less than disappointing.  He must know this because then He speaks to me at work when I'm filing charts, or at night when my heart is missing someone so deeply.

I don't know what it was about yesterday, but towards the end of my work day I had the most humbling experience and was quickly reminded that things don't happen by accident... there is a purpose, even if we never figure it out.  I actually do love my job.  Maybe not every aspect of it, but there are those moments of such accomplishment and the moments with parents where they are truly grateful for all that we do to help them out.  I love those moments and I especially love the daily conversations I have with kids each day... talk about humbling. 

I truly believe that where I am right now is just a piece of the puzzle that is preparing me for the huge career change I'll be making next year.  I can't wait to see how God brings it all together.  I've found myself in such a dark and lonely place over the last year and there have been moments where I felt the Lord abandoned me.  But then yesterday happened and I realized that what He is teaching me, what He is showing me is that He doesn't just exist in the church building or in a worship song, but rather He exists in the moments I have with our patients at work or my co-workers.  I pray now that my heart will change, I pray that my attitude will improve and that the expectations I have towards my life will line up with all that God has for me.  I don't want to miss a moment, I don't want to miss one whisper or one tap on the shoulder.  

We only get one round at this life here on Earth, why not take every moment by storm?  Why not begin to look for God in the most unlikely of places? 

Learning to be Cristyn...

"Suppose I said
I am on my best behavior
And there are times
I lose my worried mind
Would you want me when I'm not myself?
Wait it out while I am someone else?
Suppose I said
Colors change for no good reason
And words will go
From poetry to prose
Would you want me when I'm not myself?
Wait it out while I am someone else?
And I, in time, will come around
I always do for you
Suppose I said
You're my saving grace"

~ John Mayer "Not Myself"

This is a very well known song by a very well known musician.  It has also been running through my head for weeks now.  There is a lot of focus for me on me right now.  Not in a selfish way, but more in a self discovery kind of way.  I haven't felt like myself for about 3 years now.  I suppose some of you are surprised by that and might be wondering about the girl you've met (if you've met me in the last 3 years).  I guess after everything that 2008 brought I finally realized how short life is and we truly only get one time to make a first impression.  I want to present myself for who I truly am, not a chameleon.  I don't want to hide behind a mask, I don't want to change my colors to impress those who may only be in my life for a season.  I guess what I'm trying to say is I want to be the person God created me to be (crazy, sarcastic, intelligent, pretty, talented, singer, dancer, writer, counselor, etc.) from the moment I tell some "hello" to the moment I say "good-bye."

At the same time I want people to take me as I am, even in the moments (or seasons) where I'm not myself.  In those moments where I spontaneously decide that it is time for a hair change and I cut it all off (like now), or when I can't stop crying because I feel there is just too much pain in my heart for me to fully comprehend, or the moments where I can't stop laughing at something so completely stupid that I may be the only one laughing.  I want to know that when I jump on a stage to have a "dance off" with some stranger that I can do it without noticing anyone else in the room (which I have done).  I want to know that at the end of the day, when all the decisions have been made and there is no turning back that there is always going to be someone waiting to greet me.  I want to know that there will always be that one person who will forever have a little faith in me, no matter what.

There is still a lot of self discovery for me about me and still a lot of regrets and brokenness to work through, but I'm choosing to take a leap.  Who knows, I might find something amazing and someone I forgot even existed.  It's about time I got back to being Cristyn, and not someone else.  After all, I've only got one chance to do it right. 

Learning to Forgive...

So I'm supposed to be studying Life Span Development right now (which I totally love), however I've been told when you have goobles and goobles (a new word I just made up, when I have time I'll submit it to Merriam-Webster) of emotional junk in your head, it is best to splurge it out on paper (or in this case blog site).  So here I go spreading my newest revelation in my what has now become the "Learning" series of blogs (2 makes a series... right?).  

Last night I had a wonderful conversation with a dear friend.  He's not someone I see often, but when we do hang out and catch up I seem to take something away that goes deep into my soul and God reveals so much of my current situation out of it all.  One thing I realized last night is that moving on, a case of "out of sight, out of mind" does not indicate forgiveness.  We all have our ways of dealing with stuff and finding our way through forgiving others, I guess for me I'm still learning.  I've recently run into a bit of a situation from my past and the anger that arose from this recent revelation was insane.  There are very few times in my life that I can remember screaming at God so loudly and what took place a few weeks ago was no different.  I couldn't believe what I saw and I was bitter down to the deepest part of me.  I guess a part of me still is.  How have I dealt with it... not very well, in fact you'll probably find me laughing it off more than anything.  But as I was talking to my friend last night he shared a bit with me that got me to thinking, is it ever too late to say "I'm sorry," to take responsibility for one's own actions and ask another for forgiveness?  I played a part in a scenario that occurred almost 2 years ago, has too much time passed or is there still a chance to make amends, to wipe the slate clean and not only ask for forgiveness from another, but forgive myself as well?  

Learning to Breathe

I was driving home the other day and as I was glancing around I realized I wasn't breathing.  For whatever reason I was holding my breath and in an instant the Lord spoke to me and asked me what I was waiting for... what in the world was I holding my breath for?  I never realized until that moment how often I have to remind myself to breathe, in fact I even dated a guy once who was constantly reminding me to breathe.  You hear of those moments that take your breath away, well I have moments where I stop breathing in the hopes that in that time frame something will change, what the deepest part of my heart desires will instantly come to pass.  I guess I realized the other day that holding my breath is not going to make God move faster, it's just going to cause me to turn into a smurf (which I have not yet done yet... thank goodness!).  

So I guess what inspired me to write this is the contemplation of what other people might hold there breath for.  Did my sister hold her breath as she waited to hear if her son would be okay or not?  Do men hold their breath after asking their girlfriends for their hand in marriage?  Do women hold their breath every time they think might be the time he'll "pop the question?"  How many people held their breath on September 11, 2001 while awaiting to hear word on their loved ones in New York?  What are you holding your breath for?

I also realized how much of a waste of life that is, to sit there and hold your breath for something to happen.  I lived life to the fullest this past weekend, at least the most full I have in a very long time... today I felt like life was beginning to feel good again, not perfect... it never will be, but my heart is finally starting to feel as though it is moving towards wholeness again.  I'm still learning to breathe, I think that it might be a process before I finally stop holding my breath for something to come to pass.  I'm just grateful that I have the revelation now and that in those moments I can seek my Heavenly Father to comfort me and to keep pushing me along through life.  I'm ready to live it to the fullest, and continue to dance like no one is watching. ; )

Now... close your eyes, take a deep breath and see where it takes you.