Oh how I wish this season would be different than it feels. I guess you could say I'm getting a full dose of life these days...but it is not what I would have wanted. God is teaching me something so valuable right now and all I want to do is wrestle with Him. To shout, "No, you are wrong, you made a mistake, you need to bring Him back...to his family that loves him so dearly." I talk in circles these days, the words I mean to express are harder to get out and the meaning of it all is more often misinterpreted. I write this through a cloud of tears so full that I can barely see the computer, I listen to a worship song that I heard for the first time at my nephew's memorial service a few weeks ago. And although I know we are to be grateful for where he is now and trust God that is something I just can't do right now. I can't explain to my sister and brother-in-law why they can't hold their baby boy anymore and more importantly I cannot explain to my sweet 2-year-old niece why every baby she sees is not her "ba ba B" and that he is now with Jesus, at least not at a level where she can truly understand.
I'm learning to be real and allow myself to truly feel my emotions wherever they are at any given moment in time. Earlier today I was joyful, contemplative, maybe a little irritated at some point and now, well now the hole in my heart is more evident than ever. I truly realize how much I need God in my life, but oh how it hurts to express a grateful heart when my sister and her family are in such pain and have no explanation for why their perfectly healthy son passed away in his sleep. I am blessed, this I know, I mean how else can you explain a man who just entered my life 6 months ago sticking around through the tears and pain? The only explanation I have is it must be love. I can't be the person I want to be for him right now and that kills me. When he is stressed and frustrated I want to be the one to help him find peace and some sort of understanding if any. Right now all i can do is listen to him and just say "I'm so sorry about that baby." I mean how many times can you hear the same thing before you start to wonder if you are truly being heard?
I'm not gonna lie, I am a joyful, happy person, but right now I'm sad and for the first time in several weeks I can finally admit that I too am mad at my God who I know loves me and my family but for whatever reason He allowed this storm to come. Maybe we were drifting apart, maybe we were taking each other for granted, I don't really know, but I do know that I will not let go so easily of the people that I love. Sometimes I wonder if God took Billy away because I was not spending time pursuing him, because my first love has not been my source of direction, my source of passion and answers. Was it because I turned to others before I turned to God? But then isn't that a selfish way to think? I mean how could I, one person who loved her nephew so dearly be the cause of him returning to Jesus so early?
Welcome to my world right now, the shock has worn off and never before have I felt so empty that nothing at all can fix me, nothing at all can fill me and when I sit down to pursue God I have no patience to wait on Him right now...where has my heart gone, when will I truly be "real?"
Original Post: April 21, 2008