I stand here and watch as others go by...one friend, two friend, three friend, four. It is much like a Dr. Suess book only without Thing 1 or Thing 2 or boats, cars, a fox in socks, and without Sam I am. These are my friends and family, moving on with life and going on as their path carries them through this season and into the next and for others the one after that. But alas, I try to move only to find my feet are stuck in this mud, I can't seem to put one in front of the other to walk much less run to catch up with the rest. I hear in the distance laughter and music and life being shared, but I'm still here, I yell out, "wait for me," and "you left me behind." But all I seem to see is friends turning their heads and waving me on to catch up. Sure many have tried to come back for me and pull me out, but much like the sword in the stone only the "right" person can pull me out of this mess. Many would say that it is my responsibility and I need to take action to get out of this mess, but the thing of it is I didn't choose any of this, I didn't choose to get stuck here...life just happens sometimes when you least expect it.
I don't voluntarily offer up my heart to feel pain each morning I wake up and realize it is one more day passing without my precious nephew or another day that I won't hear the words "I love you" from a friend. I'm grieving here, I'm a mess...please accept me the way I am, as I am right now in this moment...that's all I can bear to get out of my heart and mouth. Some days are better than others, but without fail there hasn't been a day that has passed where I don't remember the huge hole left behind with no sign of permanent repair.
I realized a week ago I had been wearing a mask for nearly 3 weeks, and it hit in the most unexpected way...just by looking down at the mileage marker on my car. Now all I can see is the place in my room where my knees literally hit the floor when I got word my nephew wasn't breathing or the couch when I heard a friend claim they didn't love me anymore. Flashbacks run through my mind these days and without skipping a beat I feel the tear drops fall when they do. Am I blessed? Of course I am...do I know that? Of course I do. So then what's the problem you may ask...just being stuck and waiting and listening. I want to rush through the grief just so I don't have to feel it, and now I'm forced to sit in it because the only one that can pull me out is my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I can hear him clear as day more often than not these days and that is amazing to me, but I can feel that there is a purpose to being stuck. Will I believe what He says over me? Will I believe how much He truly loves and cares for me and will that be enough? Only by accepting that will I be pulled from this miry pit.
Original Post: June 28, 2008