It has been a while since I've written a blog, I didn't realize quite how long it has been until I started writing. I have been doing some writing over the last few weeks, just not here, I apologize greatly to all my wonderful and lovely readers. I've been doing some thinking lately, in fact I often think a lot, but usually more so at the beginning of a new year…with me so far? It actually all started New Years night, I had to say good-bye once more to my sister, brother-in-law, and niece as they headed back to their home in Colorado. I don't like good byes, I've had to do it one too many times in the last year and a half. On January 1, 2007 I was quickly jolted back to that day in August when I had to rush to catch my plane so my good bye to my only sister and best friend was less than good. But as I was reminded of that day in the Denver International Airport, I was just as quickly brought back to the present. I suddenly found myself deeply desiring to fall back in love with my first love.
My first love and greatest love is that of my Heavenly Father, my Savior, my King, my Protector, and my Confidant. I've spent much time over the last few weeks praying, questioning, crying, and ultimately just sitting in what I find to be a strange peace. Strange in that with so much change and as unsettled as my life has been over the last year and a half I had forgotten what peace looked like, what it felt like. In the midst of the last few weeks I finally heard "you don't love me more than life, you don't love me more than the people in your life. " Never a "you should love me more than life," or "you should love me more than the people in your life," but a definite "you don't," and I don't or at least I haven't been, not for quite some time now. I had placed so much importance and emphasis on the role of those in my life that I couldn't clearly understand why relationships have failed, why I've been so disappointed in the people that I love so much and hold so close to my heart.
I have welcomed this peace with open arms, as much as I have been running around over the last year and a half, as much as I have been running from any sort of normalcy or slow pace in life it couldn't come at a better time. I don't want to miss a thing, I don't want to miss one moment in my life or time I could be spending with my Heavenly Father because I'm crazy busy trying to prove my worth, trying to prove my excellence to someone I have nothing to prove anything to. In light of this newfound peace the Lord has unexpectedly open two doors in my life. Now all they are right now are open doors, I have yet to wait for permission to pass through, but nevertheless I'm grateful for the unexpected turn of events. I thank the Lord for my new friend, for a new found confidence, for a new and unexpected opportunity. I thank God for the fact that if neither of these doors prove to be a part of His will for my life I will still stand strong, I will be okay. I thank God that there are no false promises from Him and that all I hope and desire for my life will come to pass with so much more than I could ever imagine. I thank Him for never knowing "what could have been," and the continued dreams that keep my trust, my faith, and my never-ending love in Him.
Original Post: January 18, 2007